Kevin: MadTV (November 9, 1996)

Ladies and gentleman, again, Mr. Kevin McDonald.

[applause]

Kevin: When the producers of MadTV asked me to do a monologue, I thought, "Hmm, that sounds like a lot of fun." You know what happened? They took away the fun part. It seems they didn't "cop" to my ideas. And, I think I came up with some pretty good ones. For example, I wrote a piece called "The 483 Things That Bother Me."

I read it to them; they said, "You can't be on TV for 17 straight hours."

Fine, so now I have to deal with time restrictions. My next idea was something I call "Butchering a Cow."

They said, "Oh great, uh what's that a clever analogy for?"

I said, "Analogy, my sweet ass. I bring a cow onstage, I name him, and then I butcher the damn thing. Chopping and chopping and chopping."

They said, "Sure, uh Kevin, it's funny on paper, but where does it go?"

Where does it go? I'm choppin' up a cow. I'm covered in blood. It writes itself. Still, all day, all I heard, [whiny:] "Where does it go? Where does it go?"

So! Then, I pulled out the big gun--a sure winner I call "Nazi Dance Party." This is where I wear a grass skirt, go-go boots, and a couple swastikas. Nevermind.

My point is, I would not give up. I said, "Okay, you MadTV producers, I'll give you one more monologue idea--'Hate Sex with an Ex-Girlfriend.' Sure, I'd be out here with a real-live ex-girlfriend, ya know on the floor, doin' it, not facing each other, industrial music blaring in the background, strobe lights flashing, not facing each other! Real good ol' fashioned hate sex! Hysterical, huh?!"

Well, apparently not. Because at this point, one of the producers leaned over, pressed a button, and I fell through a trap door. Two minutes later, I'm swimming in a sewer, looking for my way out. *Who* gave the producers of MadTV the *power* to build a trap door?!!

At this point, I said "screw this." I didn't bother to push my other monologue ideas--"Kevin: Naked and Wet," "My Webbed Feet," "Still-Born Pie" (it's a character piece.) And I said to myself, "These MadTV suits wouldn't know a funny idea if one took a crap on of their kids' heads!" Which, by the way, was another monologue idea of mine they rejected! Great! That's just great. In that case, I'll just do a monologue with all the monologues I wanted to do, ya fat-assed bastard suits!

Thank you good night.

[Applause]

[Leaves, but tests each step gingerly before he moves.]

Where the hell did they find the time to build a trap door?!

Contributor

•  Trista Lycosky