A Whole Lotta Kids in the Hall

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Kevin: Late Night With Conan O'Brien (Mid-Dec. 1995)

[Music: "Having an Average Weekend".

Scott pulls Kevin from behind the curtains. Kevin finally breaks loose and runs out into the audience. They stop half-way up the stairs, where Scott tackles Kevin and drags him towards the couch.]

Kevin: No! No! No! [audience members are grabbing Kevins hands. Scott yells at them.]

Scott: He must do this! He's got to do this! He'll never grow up! [they reach the stage]

Conan: [to Kevin] You'll be fine. You'll be fine! [music stops] You'll be fine, have a seat. [to Scott] You alright?

Scott: I'm, I'm not here. No I'm not here.

Conan: Alright, alright.

Scott: I'm only here to give Kevin moral support.

Conan: Alright, alright.

Scott: Because Kevin finds these things a little bit of a trial.

Conan: I understand.

Scott: And as you know, I'm very comfortable here. This is home, with Max, and everyone.

Conan: Well, in case anyone doesn't know, Scott Thompson from the Kids in the Hall. [Audience applauds]

Scott: No. I'm not here. This isn't my set. It's Kevin's gig. I'm just over here with Andy. [sits]

Conan: Okay, wait, wait. So you're just here to help Kevin calm down. Is that it?

Scott: Well, Kevin finds this whole talk show experience very difficult. Like even, even, he finds even like live performing difficult. Even in our show, he was like a deer in the headlights.

Conan: Yeah.

Scott: Although our show was lit, our show was lit by headlights, [audience laughs, Kevin reacts with a weak, awkward smile, looking into camera] so a lot of us were. So I'm not here.

Conan: Alright.

Scott: I'm not. I wouldn't-- I'm not a camera hog.

Andy: No.

Conan: No, no.

Scott: I'm not here.

Conan: Scott, I just, I just don't understand because--

Scott: Well, Conan--

Conan: --he was on the show once before--

Scott: Right.

Conan: --and he was, he was very relaxed.

Scott: [sarcastically] Oh, Right. Right. [Kevin has wrapped his arms around himself in vulnerability.] Yes, Conan. Conan, don't lie to me. Don't lie to me in front of all these good people here. 'Cause when you lie to me, you make, a, a, a lie out, out of you and me. [audience laughs] And, uh. Because, Conan--[Andy laughs and pats Scott on back. Even Kevin begins to crack a smile.]

Conan: Just keep goin'.

Scott: Conan, I saw Kevin's last appearance.

Conan: Yeah?

Scott: Okay? It was not what you say. I, I, I even brought a clip. I'm, I'm sorry! I know! I don't, I don't want to say, like, "Cut!" on your set.

Conan: No, no, no. That's--

Scott: I know it's your show and everything. But, role the clip please! Can we role it?

Conan: Take a look. Alright.

[clip begins, dated March 1, 1995.]

Conan: So, Kevin, it's good to see ya. Tell, us, what have you been up to lately?

[Kevin sits silently, and uncomfortably. His chin quivers and he spits up liquid. He holds a cup under his mouth to catch part of the spill and spittle. He continues blowing, through a partially closed mouth, into the cup.]

Conan: [uneasy and confused] Okay.

[end of clip]

Conan: Alright, it wasn't great. It wasn't great. [Kevin's eyes begin to bug out. Camera is on him for most of this time.] I just think--I'm sorry. Scott--

Scott: It was a disaster, Conan. [Kevin winces.]

Conan: Okay!

Scott: But I'm not here.

Conan: Alright, you're not here.

Scott: I'm visiting with my good buddy, Andy.

Conan: Good, good.

Kevin: [meekly] Cold.

Conan: Because, I just--Cold?

Kevin: Cold.

Scott: Cold! He's cold. [gets up and reaches behind the couch.] He's cold. He's a little cold. Don't worry, Kevin, I'm here. [Takes out a big blue blanket and proceeds to wrap it around Kevin]

Kevin: Cold.

Scott: I'm here. I'm here, Buddy.

Kevin: Cold.

Scott: I'm here. I'm here.

Kevin: Cold.

Scott: "The Kids" is cancelled, [Kevin: Cold.] but I'm here. [Kevin: Cold.] I'm here. I'm here. [finishes wrapping Kevin]

Conan: There you go. That's better.

Scott: We're still viable entertainment entities. [pets Kevin's arms and shoulders] Don't worry.

Conan: Very soothing thing to say, Scott.

Scott: Here we go. Here we go. Oh! He's needs a little hat.

Conan: Alright. He doesn't need a little hat.

Kevin: Cold.

Scott: He does. [Places a red and white, knitted cap on Kevin's head.] He'll be a lot better when he's warm.

Conan: Oh, there you go. That's sweet. Now, that's very sweet of you, Scott.

Scott: There we go.

Conan: Now, Scott, I'm sorry though. I, I, I do think it's better if he tries it on his own. For him. Alright? So I'm just gonna ask him an easy question. Kevin, how's the marriage going? [Kevin covers his face with his hands and goes into some sort of fit, rocking back and forth, and moaning.]

Scott: [puts arms around Kevin. For the rest of the interview, he continues petting Kevin] It's alright, buddy. It's alright. It's al--Conan, Kevin's been going through a very messy divorce this summer, and I'd like--

Conan: I really didn't know that. I'm sorry. I really didn't know.

Scott: Yeah, and I mean he has a hard time talking about it. I *don't* actually. And, uh. [to Andy] Isn't it funny like that?

Andy: Very funny like that.

Scott: When tragedy doesn't touch you, you can make jokes about it. But, um, you see, honestly, it was Kevin's fault. He was a selfish bastard.

Kevin: [mumbling] Sel.. bas...

Scott: Married to his career.

Kevin: [mumbling]

Scott: He was always in L.A. or Nantucket.

Kevin: [mumbling] Nantuck...

Scott: I don't know why he was in Nantucket.

Kevin: [mumbling] Dinner theatre.

Scott: Dinner theatre. Yes.

Conan: Dinner theatre. That's, that's fine. [Has also begun to pet Kevin] That's fine.

Scott: So, so you know the marriage went kablooey.

Conan: Really? It went--? Well, it, at least it wasn't like a sexual thing. He's not impotent or anything.

Scott: Oh, there were no children. And--You just--Kevin's not impotent. Oh, no. It works. It's just, nothing comes out.

Kevin: [mumbling] Nothing come...ou...

Scott: [to Andy] Nothing comes out.

Kevin: [mumbling] Nothing come...ou...

Scott: Which I think is actually, I think that's actually quite nice. He's gets the feeling in that. Oh, he's still a viable sexual entity.

Conan: Sure! Okay!

Scott: Oh, yes.

Kevin: [mumbling] But, nothing come...ou...!

Scott & Conan: Nothing comes out.

Kevin: [mumbling] Nothing come...ou...

Scott: That's right. That's right, dear.

Kevin: [mumbling] Nothing come...ou...

Conan: Right!

Kevin: [mumbling] Nothing come...ou... [uses hands to demonstrate how it might look when nothing comes out.]

Conan: You know what I think?

Scott: But he has full orgasm! He has full orgasmic potential!

Conan: Oh good! Well then that's the important thing!

Scott: But nothing comes out.

Conan: Yeah. I've noticed, as we say it more, it works better. Okay, alright. Well, listen. Listen, I, I mean there's a lot to be happy about. I mean, [to Scott] you've been very successful.

Scott: Yes.

Conan: You've got, of course--The Larry Sanders Show, you're doing.

Scott: [to Kevin] I'm sorry, Kevin, I won't talk about it. [to Andy] I guess it's wildly successful.

Conan: You know. No, no, no. But Bruce! Bruce has got a CD, you know?

Scott: [to Andy] Bruce has a wildly successful CD.

Conan: Mark's up at "Saturday Night Live." That's going great.

Scott: That's okay. Yeah.

Kevin: [mumbling] But nothing comes...ou...

Conan: Yeah. No, Dave has got "Newsradio."

Scott: "Newsradio."

Conan: Dave's got "Newsradio."

Scott: Yeah.

Conan: Well, I mean, everyone from The Kids in the Hall seems to be--

Scott: Kevin's living his life, Conan. He's gone about the business of living.

Conan: Uh huh.

Scott: 'Cause let me say, there a little too many wax fruit actors out there, if you know what I mean, who haven't lived. You know what I mean? What do they have to give to us? [abrupt pause to address Kevin] You okay, dar--?

Kevin: [mumbles an affirmative]

Scott: Oh! I'm sorry. He's--he might be having a fit. And there's no spoon. So he might swallow his tongue.

Conan: Uh huh.

Scott: But, there's something that really calms him. Andy, could you pinch his nipples? [Kevin pushes blanket aside and reaches towards Andy, making his way to the couch, sitting between Scott and Andy.] Just--

Andy: Well, if--is it gonna make him more comfortable or--?

Scott: Actually, Andy, that's just more for me. [Kevin begins to unbutton his shirt and offer his right nipple to Andy, looking longingly at him. Andy covers it up with the right side of his jacket and pinches. Kevin adopts a satisfied grin.]

Conan: Alright! There's a TV first! Alright, well, guys, I must admit we are--we're out of time.

Scott: Oh!

Conan: This went very well though.

Scott: [to Kevin] You did good.

Conan: I thought this went very well. [To Kevin] You should be very proud of yourself. [Kevin starts chortling.]

Scott: Kevin, a lot of producers probably saw this appearance. [Kevin continues laughing]

Conan: It went very well and the Kids in the Hall movie is coming up, right?

Scott: Oh yes, yes. [To Kevin] And it's going to be very good 'cause you are the star of it.

Kevin: [mumbling, into camera] But nothing comes out.

Scott: Nothing comes out.

Conan: Terrific. [Kevin looks at Andy and offers his nipple again] Well, I think we've made a lot of people happy here. [to Scott] And you did a great service for him.

Scott: Thank you, Conan.

Conan: Thank you very much, Scott.

Scott: Oh, thanks, Conan. I love this guy.

Conan: Well, why wouldn't you? [To camera] Well, look for the Kids in the Hall movie. It's coming out in March. And, ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna take a break. We'll be right back with Tony Goldwyn.



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