A Whole Lotta Kids in the Hall

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All minus Bruce: The Higgins Boys and Gruber Show
(Comedy Central, 1989-90?)

Part One-

[Dave H and Kevin sitting in the kitchen, Kevin has a guitar.]

Dave H: How long have you been playing the guitar?

Kevin: I can honestly say this is the first time I've even seen a guitar.

Dave H: Really? So you've worked out a song? [gesturing towards the guitar]

Kevin: Yes.

Dave H: Why don't you play it? I'd love to hear it.

Kevin: [starts playing, singing] Sandy walks soft on the beach, her hair so long she's out of reach [knocks over a cup with the guitar] in the summer... Sandy is a girl I know [knocks over another cup] Sandy where she goes I go Sandy in the summer... [pauses and says to Dave] Sing with me!

Dave H: Ssssss.... Ssssaaaan... [Kevin isn't singing]... Go ahead and start me... and I'll...

Kevin: [singing] Sandy walks soft on the beach her hair so long [knocks over another cup, but has to lean over really far to do it] she's out of reach in the summer...

Dave H: [singing along a little bit behind Kevin]

Kevin: [singing gets more intense, reaching a crescendo] Sandy goes where they all go. She's in the air she's in the...[pause] flow... Saaaannnndyyyy!

Dave H: [Still singing along, but obviously doesn't know the lyrics]

Kevin: [straight-faced and soft, to Steve] I love you.

[Both Kevin and Dave look away awkwardly...]

Dave H: Www..

[Fade out]


Part Two-

[Mark, Dave, Kevin and Scott of the KITH and Steve and Dave Higgins and Gruber sitting around the kitchen of their set, chatting.]

Dave: And- [cringing when he realizes that the camera has started rolling]

Gruber: Ah! We're on the air!

Dave H: Ah, Higgins Boys and Gruber here with the Kids in the Hall. All except Bruce.

Kevin: Sorry.

Dave H: That's alright. Uh.

Gruber: What's he doing?

Dave: That's uh.. none of your business.

[Gruber laughs- everyone talking at once]

Steve: [to Mark] Do your Bruce hand-puppet thing.

Steve and Kevin: Mark is doing Bruce.

Dave: [pretending to interview Bruce] Where do you come up with the idea for that cabbagehead thing?

Mark: [holds up an oven mitt, and says in a funny voice] Oh don't talk to me now, I have to go and shoot some supereight. [holds up a plastic doll, blond in a red bikini] But Bruce, this is our manager, but Bruce you have to go to the Higgins Boys and Gruber. [back to the oven mitt] I can't, I can't. Why didn't you tell me? [the oven mitt hits the doll over the head with a wooden rolling pin repeatedly] I'm so mad at you. I'm so mad at you. [he raises the doll] Ow, ow, ow. [the mitt starts hitting the doll again] I'm so mad at you, you never told me about the Higgins Boys and Gruber interview. [the doll leaves] Ow, ow, ow. [the ovenmitt says] Ok, Norm, let's go.

Scott: Our manager is Loni Anderson.

Dave: Ya.

[fade out]


Part Three-

[Dave, Mark, Kevin and Scott with HB+G hanging in the kitchen on the set]

Dave H: Higgins Boys and Gruber here with the Kids in the Hall, having a fun time talking.

Scott: Ya, ha ha, talking.

Dave: This is like, the Comedy Gathering of the Century, isn't it?

Dave H: It really is! People for a long time will be talking about that-

Kevin: The seven great comic minds of our generation...

Dave: ...remember that?

Kevin: We could rule the world!

Dave H: I am gonna be in Canada, with that sitcom I got coming out, the Turner and Hooch thing.... (general hubbub)... Chris ??? is gonna be the chief executive.

Scott: He did My Bodyguard

Dave: And Vamp....

{A general incoherent hubbub about seemingly irrelevant movie trivia that I can't figure out}

Dave H: I got a question about... in doing films in Canada... where do they find all those bad actors to play those small roles?

Dave: Um...

Dave H: I mean, good Canadian actors?

Dave: They come from a pool of very very talented Canadian actors.

Scott: A gene-pool.

Dave H: My theory was always that these were the guys from the local playhouse productions, you know community theater...

Steve: Ya, I always thought they were government officials...

Dave H: ...and it was like they're making a movie, come on!

Scott: No, they're friends of ours.

Steve: What?! We're sorry!

Kevin: Have to admit they have great voices, though.

[They all nod.]

Kevin: [exaggerated stage voice] Lucretious put that down!

Mark: [same] What? You want paper towels?

Kevin: [same] Then, you'll get paper towels!

Dave: [same] Goddammit, man. This isn't my table!

Steve: [same] What? Why- I never!

Dave H: [pointing at Dave] You were the waiter in...

Dave: Hmm?

Dave H: You were the waiter in one of those films...

Dave: Me? No I was the, I was the clerk in Three Men and a Baby.

Mark: [singing in the background] Three Men and a Baby!

Dave: ... in the pharmacy...

Scott: I'm the time-gate operator in Millenium...

Dave H: [to audience] Wo, watch out for those...

Kevin: In your local videostore [mumble]...

Dave: I'm the guy, ya. I say, "Down and three aisles over," in the pharmacy to Tom Selleck.

Scott: Very electrifying (?)

Steve: What was Steve Gutenberg doing in that movie?

Scott: He hasn't been in any movie since Diner.

Steve: We have a bust of Steve Gutenberg in our office.

Scott: Really?

Steve: Ya.

Scott: Maybe it's sort of like uh... what do you call it?

Steve: God of Luck, we call it.

Scott: No... Maybe the bust is where his talent is, just like the Oscar Wilde story, you know what I mean?

Dave H: Picture of Dorian Grey.

Scott: Dorian Grey. Maybe you should smash that...

Dave H: Not that I know A LOT about Oscar Wilde...

Scott: before it's too late... because...

Steve: [to Dave H] You know a little too much about Oscar Wilde...

Scott: [patting Dave H on the shoulder] Ya- you do.

Dave: Yep.

Scott: [looking around at all of them] So you're all straight, eh?

Dave: [to camera, waving a limp hand] Well yah, Scott's quite a reader.

[Kevin and Scott join in with limp hands]

Dave: Scott really likes to read.

Kevin: Scott knows how to read a good book.

Scott: I like poetry... And the Bard.

Steve: Judy Garland novels? Who likes Judy Garland novels?

[general agreement]

Steve: Well, we'll back. We're gonna arrange some fresh cut flowers here. We'll be back after this clip from the Kids in the Hall.

Scott: That was a fag crack!

[fade out]


Part Four-

[Gruber and Dave alone in the kitchen having an intimate chat.]

Gruber: You strike me as the... smarter one in the group.

Dave: [nodding and smiling] A fairly common perception.

Gruber: Ya, you were gonna say misconception, weren't ya?

Dave: [laughing] No. No.

Gruber: I was wondering if you could uh, [sigh] tell me, see cuz I watch the shows and I think, wow- they're from Canada.

Dave: [nodding in understanding] Ya.

Gruber: You know, like produced in Canada and stuff...

Dave: Ya. Which alone is pretty impressive.

Gruber: Ya! I mean, cuz it's like, you know, Canada. And it's big.

Dave: [nodding in understanding again] Ya, everything's harder in Canada.

Gruber: Um... What I was wondering, you probably go to hockey games all the time?

Dave: [Smiling] Ya, oh ya.

Gruber: Do ya?

Dave: Oh ya.

Gruber: Ya? Season tickets, and all that?

Dave: Ya. Mister Maple Leaf! [big smile]

Gruber: Then you probably know what a zamboni is, then, right?

Dave: Well, ya. [modest smile]

Gruber: How did it get the name? I mean, every... every... they come out and... the ice is all... it's a zamboni, how did they get that name?

Dave: Uh... it's named after uh... Louie Zamboni... who was uh... sort of a trailblazer in Canada.. sort of uh... almost a Canadian folk hero.

Gruber: Really? Was it Louie, like he was a French Canadian or...?

Dave: Ha? No, just Louie..

Gruber: Oh.

Dave: He wasn't french, although... He was just Louie Zamboni.

Gruber: Aha.

Dave: Louis, people would call him Louie.

Gruber: Oh. Right! Right.

Dave: And uh... he was uh... he was the first to open the Northwest Passage in the winter.

Gruber: [surprised] Really? Come on, like Saint Louis..??

Dave: Ya. Ya.

Gruber: Get out of here!

Dave: Ya! He was the first to traverse it during the winter.

Gruber: And then... from there... he went on to make a huge machine!

Dave: Ya.

Gruber: [shaking his head] That makes so much sense now.

Dave: That made it much easier for uh.. for it to become eventually peopled by the people of Canada.

Gruber: [fully understanding now] Who are hockey players!

[Dave smiles and nods]

Gruber: [to audience] That clears it up! Well, we'll be back!

[Dave still smiling and nodding, breaks into a snort/smirk as the scene fades out]


Part Five-

[Mark and Steve smoking in the kitchen with a huge ashtray full of lit cigarettes.]

Mark: [exhales] Boy.

Steve: [exhales] That's good.

Mark: That's good. Ya like smoking?

Steve: Oh, I love smoking.

Mark: Ya, me too. [picks up a second lit cigarette]

Steve: Ya like coffee?

Mark: [snorts] Get out of town with a question like that sir!

Steve: [laughs] Knew you did, I could tell.

Mark: [picks up a third lit cigarette, he now has three in his hands, clears his throat] The thing I like about smoking, it's uh ... it's the challenge.

Steve: Ya.

Mark: Ya.

Steve: You see, my theory is... One lung collapses- cut down.

Mark: [he has picked up a fourth cigarette by now] Ya.

Steve: Two- quit for a week.

Mark: Quit for a week. Mmm-hm. [puts two lit cigarettes in his mouth and inhales] Wish I could do smoke rings.

Steve: You can't?

Mark: Ya, I can. Wish I could do them now.

Steve: You can't?

Mark: I can. Watch. [Inhales, blows out two smoke rings] Boy, that's comedy. [chuckles]

Steve: [nodding and smiling] Nothing funnier than a smoke.

[They both start laughing loudly, then coughing and hacking]

Steve: [still coughing] We'll be, we'll be.... We'll be right back.

[Fade out]


Part Six-

[Scott and Steve in the kitchen having a reunion.]

Steve: I can't believe you've done so well!

Scott: I know, I can't either.

Steve: How's your mom?

Scott: Pretty good, pretty good. She says hello.

Steve: Oh, how is she?

Scott: She- she's pretty good. She really misses your "tenor" voice. [makes quotation marks with his hands]

Steve: [shaking his head] Oh ho ho... That was lovely!

Scott: Ya, cuz it's amazing that we uh met, what, how many years ago was it?

Steve: `77... Thirteen years ago.

Scott: Thirteen years ago on the choir tour.

Steve: Yes.

Scott: That's right. You... I was at my spin art booth...

Steve: Yes.

Scott: And you came by.. And you bought some spin art.

Steve: With a butter cow.

Scott: Ya. And you bought some from me. And then-

Steve: [points off camera] There it is on the fridge.

Scott: [points in same direction] And there it is right there. And then I went and showed you my prize-winning calf. You had some of my pie.

Steve: That was the best pie I've ever had.

Scott: Thank you! I learned that from my mum.

Steve: Did you really?

Scott: Ya, and she actually sent a piece down for you. But I left it in my hotel room.

Steve: Oh... I'm gonna have to come up there.

Scott: Ya.

Steve: I remember when we went up to Newfoundland.

Scott: That was nice. Ya.

Steve: On vacation, that was the best vacation I've ever...

Scott: Ya. We were there and back in half an hour.

Steve: That was the greatest thing about it.

Scott: That was... I couldn't believe that in the Midwest that people could do that.

Steve: That's funny, because your dad did not stop. But when we got out the entire car smelled like urine.

[They both laugh]

Scott: That's true, isn't it?

Steve: Woo! Oh!

Scott: Well that's because you put like a hole in his bag.

Steve: Ya, that was the worst part about it.

Scott: Ya.

Steve: And to find the bags that match the shoes.

Scott: Well, I should have told you that he had a colostomy.

Steve: I didn't know. I felt like an idiot then after that.

Scott: Ya.. Well you just don't expect that.

Steve: I mean especially when I was making all those jokes. Now-

Scott: [laughs] I know!

Steve: I think, what an idiot. I'm glad you got back together on that.(?)

Scott: [nodding] Ya, but- congratulations you're doing really well, now.

Steve: And you, too. We watch your show all the time.

Scott: We watch yours all the time, too.

Steve: Aw... Get...

Scott: Ya, it's true.

Steve: I love it... when you... [wipes at his eyes]

Scott: [softly] Ah, you're a mess, eh? (?)

[Steve reaches out to hug Scott, who leans in, they start sobbing and rocking back and forth]

Scott: [In a dramatic and vulnerable voice] Hold me! Hold me!

[fade out]



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