Dave:
MadTV (November 25, 1995)
Dave:
Hi. Uhh, yeah, I'm Dave Foley, and I just wanted to talk to you,
not just as a middle-rung celebrity, but also as a Canadian who
has recently moved to your country.
Now I've been surprised to find how little Americans seem to know
about Canada. Now granted, there are many similarities between
our two nations but there are also many subtle differences that
give us our unique Canadian identity. For example, in Canada everyone
hates Barbara Streisand. But here she seems to be quite popular.
And there are other differences too. I mean, we don't have states;
we have provinces. Umm, we use the metric system. Canadians and
Americans both love football, but in Canada the game is played
slightly differently. The field is a different size for one thing,
The CFL field is 17 miles long and 6 feet wide. So understandably,
games are a little longer. In fact, the 1949 Gray Cup game is
still in progress.
Many Americans believe that our national anthem is "Oh Canada"
simply because we enjoy singing it before hockey games. But in
fact, our anthem is "The Night Chicago Died" by Paper Lace.
Our systems of government differ somewhat in that America is a
Republic with a President, a Congress, and a Senate. In Canada
we are ruled by a small boy with supernatural powers... of whom
we are all very fond.
Now in the U.S. when a mommy and daddy love each other, they perform
bipolar sexual intercourse and make a baby. Canadians, however,
are a breed of hermaphrodites who reproduce by means of auto-insemination,
thus eliminating the need for sex. This also explains why we don't
really have a film industry.
And of course, how can we discuss Canada without discussing the
weather. Yes, it is cold in Canada. It is very, very cold, are
ya HAPPY now?? Yes, the average year-round temperature is 275
degrees below zero, but that is CELCIUS. Now can we talk about
something else??
Like for example, the fact that our atmosphere is pure sulpher
dioxide which is, of course, incapable of sustaining life, LIFE
AS YOU KNOW IT. Or the fact that we only have gravity for 6 hours
out of each day and spend the rest of our time desparately clinging
to trees to avoid being spun into the endless abyss of space.
Yes, all this is true, but at least we have universal health care.
Thank you for your time.
Contributor
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rhodan@ix.netcom.com
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