Bruce: Mad TV (May 25, 1996)

Ladies & Gentlemen, lets give a warm welcome to a good friend of ours, from The Kids In The Hall, Bruce McCulloch!!

[Applause]

Bruce: Thank you. Before I begin, I would just like to say I have some wonderful news I'd like to share with you this week. My wife just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy!!!

[Lots of cheers and applause)

Actually, I'm lying. I'm single and impotent. But I did have some good news this week. I got drunk and stole a chair from the laundromat.

[Applause]

Oh, it's that kind of crowd is it ? I guess I'll need some *topics* [does a little dance].

[bell sound & graphic: CASUAL SEX]

Don't you hate it when you go to a singles bar or a "coffee" bar, you pick up a woman, you take her home, you have sex with her and then in the morning you realise that it's Elmer Fudd?

[bell sound & graphic: MUSIC VIDEOS]

People, *please*, if you keep watching them, they'll just keep making them!! Use your heads !! I don't watch music videos, cause that's when Hee-Haw's on !! [another little dance]

[bell sound & graphic: WORLD PEACE]

I know world peace *sounds* like a good idea . . .but at what cost?

[bell sound & graphic: PORN]

See, I don't believe in pornography, and not for the obvious reason - that my girlfriend is watching. It just seems so stupid to me. Like, why do women in porn films always wear their shoes? Is it to stay above the systematic degradation of women everywhere? Or is it so their feet won't get cold ?

[bell sound & graphic: OLYMPICS]

[hand holding torch comes in from left side of screen] Can you feel it? It's coming . . the Olympics !!!

[bell sound & graphic: TIME]

Hey Flav-o-flav ?? Do you *have* to wear a clock around your neck *all* the time? Do you think everyone who meets you *needs* to know what time it is? Don't you get sick of people coming up to you on the street and going, "Hey, Flav *va* flav !! I'd love to stay and talk, but I'm late!!" See, I've got a clock, in my head. And it's always set at the same time . . .[dances] partytime!!!

[bell sound & graphic: PARTIES]

[still dancing] I don't go to parties.

[bell sound & graphic: GRATUITOUS SEX JOKE]

No mum, I wasn't playing with myself in the bathtub!! I was just cleaning it and it went off!!

[bell sound & graphic: LOVE]

Love is a mad circling beast that you chase, you can smell it's fur but you can never see it's face. Love is a sallow-eyed johnny that picks at your bones the minute it picks you! Sure is alot of fun though, eh? [giggles and, yes, does the tongue thing!!]

[bell sound & graphic: TV's "FRIENDS"]

I don't know *whose* friends they are, but they're not mine!! Can't even behave at a video shoot. People, please, if you keep watching they'll just keep . . . oh, forget it!

[bell sound & graphic: CONCLUSION] In conclusion. Bruce, what are you trying to say? I think it's pretty obvious. See, I'd *love* to dedicate my life to world peace as symbolized by the Olympics [hand with torch appears again quickly], but as my friends know, between making gratuitous sex jokes, not watching rock videos and not watching porn - when my girlfriend's home. I just don't have the time for world peace! Besides, that's when Hee-Haw's on!! [yet another little dance]

Contributors

•  Heather Baldwin, Mish McEntire