Trucker Businessman

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
Cast- [Mark is at a desk on the phone.]

Mark: What do you mean you can't get it to me by Friday? Well let me go around you and talk to your supervisor. I'll get myself by you pronto!

[A girl walks in.]

Girl: What do you want for lunch?

Mark: Smelts and a coke.

[She leaves.]

Mark: Hi. Who's this? Stan. Hang on a sec, I'm just writing that down. S-T-A-N, Stan. OK.

Who am I? Well, I--just say that uh, I'm your worst nightmare, Stan. I'm calling from Bella's Trucking. See, you've got a package of mine hung up in customs and I gotta get it my friend, so this is what I want you to do: I want you to take my package and move it ahead of the other stuff, ok? Do you follow? My stuff goes first, allright?

Oh don't give me that! Who do you think you're dealing with here? I'm a Veteran in this business. You're not just messing with some kid, I'm 40 years old. That's 40 winters my friend, and I survived 'em. For God's sake show some respect. I learned my business in the army. Yeah in the army! So don't try and tell me it can't be done, I've seen too much *crap* already. I used to deliver as a matter of fact. And another thing uh, Stan that *you* don't know is that I used to *do* your job.

Even if that is a lie you're too Goddamn young to know it, allright. So don't tell me I can't get that done, sir, Goddammit, I'm a businessman! I'm chairman of the city trucking council. I belong to other organizations you've never even heard of! I'm a frequent flyer! Yeah, that's right, I'm a frequent flyer! I bet I could put that whole Goddamn office of yours up for the weekend in the Sudbury Resort and still have enough points left over to go to Paris and you're gonna tell me that can't be done?! You're gonna tell me that when over 20 women have called me lover! And I've clove unto them as the Bible says--yeah clove unto--yeah I've read the Bible. Yes, I'm well-read. I look good in red. I pay my taxes on demand. I shook Pierre Trudeau's hand back in 1981 and that's the same hand that's holding this phone. You're Goddamn right you'll see what you can do. OK call me back.

[Mark hangs up.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video