Lady Is a Tramp

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Shira
Cast: [part one]

[Caption: The Lady is a Tramp]

Dave: Excuse me, young lady, I don't mean to intrude, but perhaps you're unaware of the sort of characters that patronize these seedy back streets, the sort of men who would think nothing of taking advantage of a young defenseless woman, alone, without an escort.

Scott: Here's what I got: sixty bucks for the taffy pull, eighty-five for the Thai Blowfish, and a hundred bucks for the around-the-world back at my place. But you gotta wear a raincoat; I don't go nowhere with nobody less'n his duck is rubber, if ya follow my wake.

Dave: Young lady, someone listening in, hearing your words out of context, might get the wrong impression, might wrongly interpret some double entendre in your generous offer.

Scott: Listen freak, I ain't got all night, OK? I got a habit to feed. So if you ain't buyin', I ain't sellin'.

Dave: Sweet child, these streets are cold and I fear that those clouds do threaten rain. Might I take you someplace warm and buy you a meal?

Scott: Sure, freak, it's your money. But you gotta wear a raincoat.

[Dave laughs]

Scott: What are you laughin' at? You laugh at me and I'll get Rudy to cut your heart out.

Dave: Of course.

[Scott takes his arm and they walk off].

[End part one.]

[part two]

[Caption: 50 Years Later]

[In House]

Dave: Darling? Where are you, darling? Darling? There she is. Happy fiftieth anniversary, my love.

Scott: Shut up. My cake'll fall, you shoutin' like that, you maniac.

Dave: I'm sorry. I have something for you in honor of our golden anniversary. This. Golden earrings. The big *hoop* kind that you're so fond of.

Scott: What d'you want? You want I should wear them?

Dave: I would be honored if you would.

Scott: Look. I've been thinkin'. It's time I went back out on the street. I mean, I've been gone an awful long time and Rudy's gonna kill me. So the way I figure it is, you owe me eight million US for services rendered. So cough up, freak.

Dave: Darling, I'm afraid I don't understand. I don't have that kind of money.

Scott: What? Are you stiffin' me, you deadbeat? Ah, you're wastin' my time. You're dead. When Rudy comes, he's gonna kill you. He's gonna kill you, you freak. [phone rings] Wastin' my time, here with you, you freak.

Dave: Oh! Hello, little Tracy! No, Grandma's not here right now [sniff]. No, I don't know when she'll be back. What's that? No! No, of course Grandpa's not crying, no, I just have a bit of a cold. Ahhh-choo. Yes, I'll tell her you called, thank you very much. [sob]

[on the street, a car drives up to Scott]

Dave: Darling, please come back to us.

Scott: Get lost, freak.

Tracy: Hi Grandma. I miss you.

Scott: Oh, nix the brat, would ya? I'm *tryin'* to work.

Dave: But darling, our home is so empty without you.

Scott: Look, you'd better get out of here before Rudy gets here. Oh, god, too late. You're dead, freak! Rudy, baby!

Dave:Tracy, take a secure position. Trouble's afoot.

Kevin: (in a wheelchair) Is that the freak? Is that the freak? I'll kill him, I'll kill him.

Scott: Go, baby, go!

Kevin: Aaaaaahhh (holds knife in one hand and tries to guide wheelchair with the other -- crashes sideways into wall. Puts knife in teeth and rams up against the car). I'll kill ya, I'll kill ya . . .

Dave: Tracy, you get nice and comfortable under the dashboard.

[General pandemonium and shouting]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video