Time

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
Cast: [In subway. Bruce stands. Dave enters, looks at watch, and looks at Bruce. Bruce, uncomfortable, looks away.]

Dave: Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. I was just trying to see if you could give me the correct time.

[Bruce takes a step away.]

Dave: Excuse me. I was wondering if you could tell me what time it is.

Bruce: No.

Dave: Look, you see my watch has stopped and it's really important that I get to this meeting on time, so if you could just. . .

Bruce: . . .I'm sorry, I'm seeing someone.

Dave: Oh, no no no no no. You misunderstand. I'm not--I'm not hitting on you, honestly. Look. You can. . .

Bruce: . . .Please, do yourself a favor. Quit before you get hurt.

Dave: What are you talking about?

Bruce: Before you know it, it will be Bam.

Dave: Bam, what?

Bruce: Bam--I love you. Bam--I need you. Bam--I'll leave [crosses in front of Dave] my wife and kids for you. Bam--just where the hell were you?

Dave: Wh--Well, I don't even have a wife, okay?

Bruce: How convenient for _you_.

Dave: No. It's not neccessarily so convenient. I mean, a wife might be very useful is some situations like, like moving a couch. But, since I don't have a wife, I can't move my couch.

Bruce: Well, how sad. You're having couch troubles.

Dave: No. I'm not having couch troubles. I don't even have a couch. I don't have a couch and I don't have a wife. Okay?

Bruce: Well, where do you sit and who do you sit with?

Dave: I stand, alone.

Bruce: How brave!

Dave: Look, if you could just. . .

Bruce: . . .Shh. [motions silence with his lips and then Dave's] No. No words.

[Bruce crosses back to the other side of Dave.]

[Dave looks away.]

Dave: I hate it when you're silent.

Bruce: I was silent when you met me. You seemed to like it then.

Dave: Well, that was then. This is now.

Bruce: Come on. It was only five minutes ago.

Dave: Really? What time would it have been then?

Bruce: Oh. . .

[Bruce looks at his watch; Dave looks at his.]

Bruce: That would have put it at about t--Oh! You're all the same!! I want you to take your thing [points at suitcase] and go!

Dave: Fine. [Approaches Bruce] There are plenty of women who would be happy to give me the time, anytime.

Bruce: Bastard!

Dave: Bitch!

[Dave starts to leave.]

Bruce: Man!

Dave: [looking back, holding shoulder] Ow!

[Dave starts to leave, again. Bruce looks at watch. They run towards eachother and embrace.]

Bruce: It's--It's 2:15.

[Dave, with his hands around Bruce, sets his watch.]

Bruce: My God. It's 2:15.

[They separate.]

Bruce: Well, you got what you wanted. I guess you'll be going now.

Dave: N--No. Couldn't we have lunch or go to a movie or something? I. . .

Bruce: . . .No. Our time has passed. Move on.

Dave: Of course. You're right. But, I'm gonna think of you everyday at 2:15.

[Dave leaves.]

[Second man, who appears to be Vito Viscomi, enters with a knife in his back. Collapses.]

Man: Help me.

Bruce: Don't flirt.


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video