Two Years Late for a Date/Screw You Taxpayer!

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
Cast: [A kitchen. Scott and Dave sre sitting drinking coffee, when the doorbell rings. Both get up to answer it.]

Scott: Oh.

Dave: I wonder who that could be.

Scott: I don't know; let's see.

[Scott opens the door to reveal Mark.]

Scott: Hello.

Mark: Hello Mr. Lewis. Hello Mrs. Lewis. I'm here to pick your daughter Karen up for a date.

Scott: Oh!

Dave: But Karen's been dead for two years.

Mark: I'm sorry, I guess I am a little late. You see, I had rickshaw trouble. [Turns around]

[Cut to Bruce in front of a rickshaw, dressed in a blue chinese outfit. He is hopping up and down on one foot.]

Bruce: Don't brame me! I stub my toe!

Mark: That Pontiac, I tell you...

Scott: Oh, yes, yes.

Mark: But still, I'd still like to take Karen out if I could.

Scott: Oh...I don't know...no...

Mark: Please, Mr. Lewis.

Scott: Oh.....ok. Go get her, Carolyn.

[Dave walks over and picks up a huge urn that he hands to Mark.]

Dave: Here she is.

Mark: Whoa! Karen, hubba, hubba!

Scott: Ok, you two have a good time, OK?

Mark: Oh yeah, we will.

Scott: And don't get carried away, but if you do, play it safe.

[Scott takes an unwrapped condom out of his pocket and hands it to Mark.]

Mark: OK.

Scott: Now have her home by eleven.

Dave: Yes.

Mark: Well, I'll *try*.

Scott: OK.

Bruce: Don't brame me!

Mark: That Pontiac, I tell ya...

Scott: Oh yes, yes...

[Cut to Kevin across the room. He's in his underwear and sitting in a high chair. He has a cereal bowl in front of him and is spilling milk all over himself.]

Kevin: Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah!

[Cut to Mark, Scott, and Dave laughing in a really corny way. Mark puts the urn down and walks off the set towards the camera.]

Mark: Wow! What a bad sketch. And in such poor taste too. You know, we're gonna get a lot of telephone calls and letters about this one. And why not? Every Canadian has a right to complain about that sketch because every Canadian *owns* a piece of that sketch!

[Mark turns to the side and a flowchart is seen. It goes from Taxpayers to Federal government, to CBC, to Kids in the Hall. Also coming off of Federal Government are defence and girlfriends.]

Mark: You see, your taxdollars feed into the government, which in turn mandates the CBC, which in turn provides funding both whole or in part to shows such as ours. So like a cup full of water poured into the ocean the atomic parts of your taxdollars mix with the whole and wind up providing for the budget of this show, for the budget of that sketch and for this piece I'm doing now, which we like to call--

[Shot of the audience. There is a big key over the screen which reads:]

Audience: SCREW YOU TAXPAYER!

Mark: Let's meet some of the other people behind the scenes. Hey!

[He calls someone over; he is carrying the urn.]

Mark: This is Peter Razmofsky. He's sort of in charge of the props on this show. Hey Peter, that was some pretty nice props that the guys had in that sketch.

Peter: Oh, yes, even though I did not laugh at script in read through, I had prop made special.

Mark: Special! How much would that cost?

Peter: Twelve hundred fifty dollars. I could have got for less, but I thought why bargain? It's not my money. Screw you taxpayer!

[Key reads: Total Props For Sketch $4,523]

Mark: Thanks Raz. Scott? Scott, come over here.

Mark: Hi, you were featured pretty prominately in that sketch, weren't you?

Scott: Well yes, sadly.

Mark: You must get paid pretty well, don't you?

Scott: Well, Mark, what do you think this means, huh?

[Scott holds his arms as far apart as possible. Key reads: Actors Cost to Sketch $11,000]

Mark: Anything you wanna say for yourself?

Scott: Actually, yes. First of all, I'd like to say hello to all the taxpayers, and screw you. And second of all, I'd like to take a little bit of our national network airtime to advocate that I be allowed to masturbate in public buildings.

[Scott leaves.]

Mark: Wow! Whoa! Interesting viewpoint, bet it's not yours, but you just paid to hear it right here on--

Audience: SCREW YOU TAXPAYER!

Mark: You know what, the great thing is, we had to *pay* that audience to say--

[The audience is waving money at the camera.]

Audience: SCREW YOU TAXPAYER! [Key reads $109,000]

Audience: SCREW YOU TAXPAYER! [Key Reads $127,000]

Audience: SCREW YOU TAXPAYER! [Key Reads $152,000]

Mark: Hey Raz, what time is it?

[Peter drops the urn to check his watch.]

[The audience throws their money up.]

[Mark and Raz high five while the key reads: Total Cost of Sketch $153,250]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video