Kathie/Cathy: Tanya's Last Day

Transcribed from: HBO
Transcribed by: KITHFREAK@usa.net
Cast: [Scene: Among the cubicles at A.T. & Love. Tanya's getting ready to leave and Jarvis is walking through with the mail cart]

Mark: Well... Goodbye, Jarvis, it's been nice, uh, working with you.

Jarvis: [monotone voice] Yep. See you Monday.

Mark: No. I-i-i-i won't be here on Monday.

Jarvis: Oh, that's right, you're a temp.

Mark: Yep.

Jarvis: So you're leaving us.

Mark: Yeah, last day.

Jarvis: Well... Goodbye. [he leaves]

[Cathy/Kathie enter singing together. Bruce is carrying a bright yellow pizza box.]

Both: Goodbye Tanya, Goodbye Tanya, Goodbye Tanya... We hate to see you go.

[Bruce does the patented Kathie giggle at the end]

Mark: Oh, God, you guys remembered!

Bruce: Of course we remembered.

Mark: Oh you remembered.

Scott: Yeah.

Mark: This is SO nice. [pauses and looks around] Is this everyone?

Scott: Yeah, Kathie, is it?

Bruce: Well... we are competing with a lot of other parties. And a lot of the gals are out giving blood.

Scott: Yeah. It's not because you're a temp.

Bruce: Oh... NO!

All 3: [nervously] No... no... oh no...

Scott: Not at all.

Bruce: Look! We got you a gift and everything. [referring to the yellow pizza box]

Mark/Bruce: Ohhh!

Mark: It's a big cookie, right?

Scott: Well... open it up!

[they open the lid and it says, "bye" with musical notes all around it]

All: Awwww!

Mark: It's a "bye"cookie.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: And it's got musical notes on it. You sing it like [Bruce sings two notes: higher to lower] By-eye!

Mark: Like we do on Fridays.

All: Yeah.

Mark: Aww. This must have cost you a fortune. You want me to chip in for it?

Bruce: Oh, NO!

Mark: Oh, come on.

Bruce: No.

Mark: Oh, please.

Bruce: No. [Scott elbows Bruce]

Scott: Well if she really wants to...

[They pause and Scott give Bruce a "look"]

Bruce: Ten dollars.

[pause]

Mark: I'll owe it to you.

[Dave enters]

Mark: Oh, Mrs. Furgesson, you came. Thank you.

Dave: [unapologetic] oh, am I late?

Mark: Oh, we just opened the present, that's all.

Dave: Did I miss the big cookie? I did so want to be here for the big cookie.

Mark: It's great I love it. Thank you.

Dave: Well, where in the hell is everyone, Kathie? This is supposed to be a party.

Bruce: Well, we ARE competing with a LOT of OTHER PARTIES!

Dave: [completing the sentence for Bruce] And some of the girls are giving blood. Yeah.

Bruce: Yes, they ARE giving blood.

Dave: Well, give me a second and I'll get some people up here. [starts dialing a phone. Bruce starts eating the cookie] Hello, Security? Could you come up to the third floor, please? Thank you. [hangs up]

Mark: Oh, Mrs. Furgesson, you didn't have to do that.

Dave: That's okay.

Mark: And may I take this opportunity to say what a pleasure it has been to work for you.

Dave: Oh, well thank you, Tanya. On behalf of A.T. & Love I would like to say that you were... [Scott/Bruce Shaking there heads "no" behind Mark's back.] You were a, uhhh..., well thought of member of the staff. And that in the future, should any of the other girls take leave, we would certainly CONSIDER the POSSIBILITY of perhaps, taking you back on a PURELY temporary basis... YES!

Mark: Great! [turns around and catches Bruce/Scott shaking their heads "no."]

Bruce/Scott: [embarrassed] SPEECH!!!!

Mark: Okay, ummm... I don't know if you know how hard it is for me to leave this job. It's seems sometimes that all my life has been one big "temp". I mean I was raised on a house boat, now I live in a sub-let, seeing a married man, and my dad's on a respirator...

Bruce: Awww.

Mark: You people have been... [car horn honk] the best thing...

Dave: Ride's here. Got to go!

Mark: [hugs Dave] Goodbye, Mrs. Furgesson!

Dave: [clearly uncomfortable with the hug] Goodbye, Tanya. [Dave leaves]

Mark: [turns back to Bruce & Scott] Well, what do you gals want to do? You want to go out drinking, or go crazy or something?

Bruce: I can't!

Mark: No?

Bruce: I have to go before I start crying.

Scott: Yeah me too. [mimes tears falling from his eyes]

Mark: Well, okay. Well, goodbye Cathy with a "C". [hugs Scott]

Scott: Goodbye, Tanya.

Mark: Goodbye, Kathie with a "K".

Bruce: [pretending to cry] Tanya!!! [they hug] I'm sorry I ate so much of your cookie [we see that there is only a little of the cookie left and crumbs]

Mark: Oh, it's okay. You can make it up to me, huh?

Bruce: Yeah, I'll buy you lunch... SOON!

Mark: Yeah, Lunch...

All 3: Soon.... BYE! BYE!

Mark: Hey, [singing it] By-eye. [Bruce/Scott exit. Kevin enters dressed as a security guard.]

Kevin: Someone call security?

Mark: Oh, yeah, Mrs. Furgesson did... It's my last day.

Kevin: Oh... Would you mind opening your purse please, ma'am?

Mark: I will not.

[They both stare at each other, then they race to a purse that is sitting on a desk. Kevin gets to it first and dumps tons of office supplies from it]

Kevin: Ma'am, you're in possession of stolen goods.

Mark: Look, I have no idea how that got in there.

Kevin: I believe you've been warned twice.

Mark: Once.

Kevin: No, twice.

Mark: No, only once.

Kevin: Twice!

Mark: [starts running out] BYE!

[Kevin pulls out a gun and shoots her twice; then walks over to the phone]

Kevin: I got a temp down on three, a temp down on three.

[Scene fades to black.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video