Bruce Tried Suicide

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[Bruce, Dave, Scott, Kevin, and Mark as themselves. Note: "All" refers to all minus Bruce.]

[Camera is focused on curtain. It pans to reveal all five men in hospital room. Bruce is in bed. Kevin and Scott are on his right; Mark and Dave are on his left.]

[Voice over speaker calling a doctor. Dramatic music as Bruce wakes up.]

Bruce: [weakly] Ah!

Kevin: Guys, guys, he's awake.

Mark: Hey Bruce. It's me, Mark.

Dave: Hey.

Mark: All your friends are here.

Scott: Bruce.

Dave: Bruce.

Bruce: Don't look at me. Don't look at me.

Mark: Sure.

[They turn away.]

Bruce: Look at me.

[They turn back.]

Dave: Yeah.

Bruce: You guys know why I'm in here, eh? I tried to commit suicide.

Dave: Yeah, we. . .

Scott: Yeah.

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: Kinds of a . . . drastic way to get out of paying your rent, isn't it, buddy?

[Others look at Scott, kind of shocked he said it.]

Bruce: Yeah. It is.

[Now everyone laughs.]

Dave: So, why'd you do it, Bruce? Huh? You wanna tell us why?

Mark: Hey Dave. Dave.

Dave: Huh?

Mark: He doesn't have to explain this to us! I mean, c'mon, I--don't we all look into [dramatic music begins] the inky abyss of our souls sometimes and don't you find the roar of the loneliness you find there deafening, man, just deafening?

[Music hits climax and ends.]

Bruce: No, it wasn't that, really.

Scott: Good!

Bruce: But, it's all in my note, my suicide note. [He pulls out a thick bundle of paper from under the sheets and places it on his legs.]

Dave: Oh yeah. . .

[Rest add various yeahs.]

Bruce: [proud] What part of the note did you guys like the best?

Kevin: Best. . .

[All "uh" and "oh" as they fake thinking.]

Kevin: So many good parts.

Bruce: I really like when I describe myself as a prisoner in a world-sized jail.

Dave: _That_ was good.

[Rest "yes" and such.]

Bruce: Scott?

Scott: Huh? Oh, uh, th-that's a tough call, Bruce. Uh, there's just so much . . .there was. . .

Bruce: [whiny] Scott! You didn't read my note!

Kevin: [quiet] Oh, Scott.

Dave: Oh, Scott! Scott, you really should have read the note.

Scott: Well, you didn't read any of it either, Dave!

Dave: Well, it was a bit long, don't you think!

Scott: Ah-ha!

[Awkward silence]

Dave: Yeah, I thought you were trying to write yourself to death.

Bruce: [worried] Kevin?

Kevin: Mm? I thought some of it was great. I just didn't get the part where you wanted to _kill_ yourself?

Bruce: Oh! Only the point! Only the point, Kevin!

Kevin: That's right--the point! I missed the point!

Dave: Yeah.

Bruce: Markus? Buddy?

Mark: Look, I just skimmed it, looking for my name. I'm sorry.

Bruce: I can't believe that none of you read my suicide note!

All: Well. . .

Bruce: Get out of here!

Scott: Okay, sure.

Bruce: Get out of here.

Scott: Okay, you get some sleep and we'll see you after the funeral, okay?

Bruce: Funeral?

Dave: Scott!

Scott: Oh, Jesus.

Dave: Yeah, the funeral--Leckie's funeral. [eying Scott, mad]

Bruce: Suicide?

Scott: Uh.

All: Yeah.

Bruce: Well, how did the plagiarist go?!

Scott: Naked, on the back of a Harley, wearing nothing but spurs.

Mark: Nice--nice note, too. Precise, interesting; I couldn't put it down.

Dave: You know what?

Mark: What?

Dave: I hear that R.E.M. is turning it into a song.

[Rest to Dave--ohs? and Is it true? etc.]

Bruce: Well, I swallowed a shoelace!!

Scott: I know!!

Mark: You shouldn't have!! You should not have done that!

Bruce: Don't look at me!

Scott: Okay.

Mark: Of course not.

Bruce: Get out of here.

Scott: Okay.

[All leave through door near Dave.]

Bruce: [disgusted] All of you.

Kevin: Get some rest.

Bruce: All of you.

Kevin: Let's all go. Let's all go.

Bruce: Except--Kevin?

Kevin: Hmm? What is it, pal?

Bruce: [stage whisper] Read it.

Kevin: The note? Don't you think it's a bit too long?

Bruce: It's only 160 pages.

Kevin: Cut it down to 50 and I'll read it.

Bruce: [happy-ish] 100!

Kevin: 60.

Bruce: [whining] No, then I would have to leave out High School.

Kevin: Well, High School _is_ half the book.

Bruce: [whining] It's not a book--

Kevin: Oh, no no!

Bruce: --Kevin. It's a cry for hel-lp!

Kevin: I meant a cry for help.

[Bruce motions for Kevin to sit down next to him. Kevin motions that he should be going, but he sits down.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video