Transcribed from: Comedy Central[Bruce, Dave, Scott, Kevin, and Mark as themselves. Note: "All" refers to all minus Bruce.]
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
[Camera is focused on curtain. It pans to reveal all five men in hospital room. Bruce is in bed. Kevin and Scott are on his right; Mark and Dave are on his left.]
[Voice over speaker calling a doctor. Dramatic music as Bruce wakes up.]
Bruce: [weakly] Ah!
Kevin: Guys, guys, he's awake.
Mark: Hey Bruce. It's me, Mark.
Mark: All your friends are here.
Bruce: Don't look at me. Don't look at me.
[They turn away.]
Bruce: Look at me.
[They turn back.]
Bruce: You guys know why I'm in here, eh? I tried to commit suicide.
Dave: Yeah, we. . .
Scott: Kinds of a . . . drastic way to get out of paying your rent, isn't it, buddy?
[Others look at Scott, kind of shocked he said it.]
Bruce: Yeah. It is.
[Now everyone laughs.]
Dave: So, why'd you do it, Bruce? Huh? You wanna tell us why?
Mark: Hey Dave. Dave.
Mark: He doesn't have to explain this to us! I mean, c'mon, I--don't we all look into [dramatic music begins] the inky abyss of our souls sometimes and don't you find the roar of the loneliness you find there deafening, man, just deafening?
[Music hits climax and ends.]
Bruce: No, it wasn't that, really.
Bruce: But, it's all in my note, my suicide note. [He pulls out a thick bundle of paper from under the sheets and places it on his legs.]
Dave: Oh yeah. . .
[Rest add various yeahs.]
Bruce: [proud] What part of the note did you guys like the best?
Kevin: Best. . .
[All "uh" and "oh" as they fake thinking.]
Kevin: So many good parts.
Bruce: I really like when I describe myself as a prisoner in a world-sized jail.
Dave: _That_ was good.
[Rest "yes" and such.]
Scott: Huh? Oh, uh, th-that's a tough call, Bruce. Uh, there's just so much . . .there was. . .
Bruce: [whiny] Scott! You didn't read my note!
Kevin: [quiet] Oh, Scott.
Dave: Oh, Scott! Scott, you really should have read the note.
Scott: Well, you didn't read any of it either, Dave!
Dave: Well, it was a bit long, don't you think!
Dave: Yeah, I thought you were trying to write yourself to death.
Bruce: [worried] Kevin?
Kevin: Mm? I thought some of it was great. I just didn't get the part where you wanted to _kill_ yourself?
Bruce: Oh! Only the point! Only the point, Kevin!
Kevin: That's right--the point! I missed the point!
Bruce: Markus? Buddy?
Mark: Look, I just skimmed it, looking for my name. I'm sorry.
Bruce: I can't believe that none of you read my suicide note!
All: Well. . .
Bruce: Get out of here!
Scott: Okay, sure.
Bruce: Get out of here.
Scott: Okay, you get some sleep and we'll see you after the funeral, okay?
Scott: Oh, Jesus.
Dave: Yeah, the funeral--Leckie's funeral. [eying Scott, mad]
Bruce: Well, how did the plagiarist go?!
Scott: Naked, on the back of a Harley, wearing nothing but spurs.
Mark: Nice--nice note, too. Precise, interesting; I couldn't put it down.
Dave: You know what?
Dave: I hear that R.E.M. is turning it into a song.
[Rest to Dave--ohs? and Is it true? etc.]
Bruce: Well, I swallowed a shoelace!!
Scott: I know!!
Mark: You shouldn't have!! You should not have done that!
Bruce: Don't look at me!
Mark: Of course not.
Bruce: Get out of here.
[All leave through door near Dave.]
Bruce: [disgusted] All of you.
Kevin: Get some rest.
Bruce: All of you.
Kevin: Let's all go. Let's all go.
Kevin: Hmm? What is it, pal?
Bruce: [stage whisper] Read it.
Kevin: The note? Don't you think it's a bit too long?
Bruce: It's only 160 pages.
Kevin: Cut it down to 50 and I'll read it.
Bruce: [happy-ish] 100!
Bruce: [whining] No, then I would have to leave out High School.
Kevin: Well, High School _is_ half the book.
Bruce: [whining] It's not a book--
Kevin: Oh, no no!
Bruce: --Kevin. It's a cry for hel-lp!
Kevin: I meant a cry for help.
[Bruce motions for Kevin to sit down next to him. Kevin motions that he should be going, but he sits down.]