Sizzler Sisters: Bank Hold-Up

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: mwchor@durham.net
Cast: [ In a bank. The Sizzlers run in and stand before the line of people, making that animal sound.]

Kevin: Good afternoon, pricks! I'm Jerry Sizzler, and this is my sister!

Dave: Jerrrrrry Sizzler! We are of course two armed and dangerous sisters, and not too clearly insane people. Now hands up!

[The line just stares.]

Kevin: You better do it, pricks. We have a gun. [brandishes a wallet] I'm not afraid to use this!

[Line ignores them.]

Kevin: Come on, up, up, up!

Dave: If you could do me a personal favour and pretend he has a real gun [brandishes a real gun, line holds their hands up], and if you could so manage to look a bit frightened. [line gasps] Ah, excellent! Quite excellent, thank you.

Kevin: I said hands up, pricks!

Dave: And take your shoes off! Take off your shoes! [line takes off shoes] Hold them up, now mix them up, mix up the shoes, mix up the shoes....... [they switch shoes in the air, Dave begins to collapse] Jerry, Jerry.......

Kevin: Look what you're doing to her. STOP! [they stop] Ok now you, [points to a man] you fall in love with her.

[He points to a woman next to him. They look at each other, and put their arms around each other]

Dave: Right Jerry. And now to business. [they walk over to a female clerk] Where's the manager? [She points below the counter, Bruce pops up in a mustache.]

Bruce: I'm the manager, alright how much money do you want?

Kevin: We don't want any money, dear boy. We want to deposit $110.

Dave: And we want you to do it now! We want to put 90 into our chequing account and 20 into our personal savings.

[Bruce signs the back of it.]

Bruce: There, done.

[He feels for the alarm button below the counter, Dave points his gun at him.]

Dave: Wait a minute, funny boy. We never endorsed that cheque! [he signs it]

Kevin: Very clever Jerry! Very clever. [sirens are heard] Jerry, coppers!

Dave: No Jerry, that sounds like the police!

Kevin: [gasp] That's even worse, let's run!

[They run out making the animal noise. Dave steps out and sees Kevin in front of him. He cocks his gun and shoots him.]

Dave: Jerry!

Kevin: Yes, Jerry!

Dave: You've been shot, Jerry!

Kevin: My god you're right Jerry! What's this city coming to?

Dave: It's a madhouse, Jerry.

Kevin: A madhouse!

Dave: A madhouse!

[Dave drags Kevin off, both screaming "It's a madhouse!" "It's a virtual madhouse!"]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video