Mark: Plungers

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: I
[Mark, as "Bobby's Father," sits at a table and talks about plungers.]

Mark: I'll spare you the details, just suffice it to say the clog was this close to being a felony. So I headed off to the mall to browse for a plunger. You know they say that this country is going downhill, that the free enterprise spirit somehow went out of us. Well, I say tell that to the kid who sold me this plunger!

He was a great salesman, and therefore a great man. He didn't do anything fancy. He just started off slow. He came up to me and said, "Excuse me, sir. Are you buying this for a clogged drain or do you have something more interesting in mind?" I know it was a bad joke but it was plunger joke and that's what I was in the market for. I laughed, he made a sale. But he wasn't done. Then he said, "Sir, may I ask how many washrooms you have?" I said, "I got two".

He said, "Sir, you need a minimum of seven plungers."

I just stared at him. Far off, I think I heard a dog bark, it was that vivid for me. I said, "Okay, let's hear your pitch."

Well, as you can guess, it was a pretty good pitch. He said that if a guy was living his life right, he should be going through plungers like toothpicks. He said that my plungers would be witnesses to all the events in my life, the good and the bad, the marriages, the birthdays, the divorces, the renewals. A whole new life revolving around secure plumbing. He painted a picture for me of my grateful and glowing wife standing giddy and perhaps even mildly aroused by the sight of her big bad hunter husband coming home with seven new plungers. Even told me how plungers could help the relationship with my son. How a new understanding could be lubricated, that's the word he used, lubricated by the gift of a plunger for that crummy basement apartment of his.

I mean, I knew it was crap but that's not the point. I mean, here I was watching a guy hard selling another guy on something he could never possibly use. It was glorious,that's free enterprise. I just looked at him and said, "Sell me, you beautiful bastard, sell me"! I let him get me up to six, then I said, "That's it, come one, give me a break, I'm only one guy." You want to know how he sold me the seventh? By giving me number eighth for free. Ahh,he was good. Eight plungers?! What the hell was I thinking? Still.....

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video