Answer the Phone

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: orteil perdu
[In an apartment. Bruce is sitting on a couch and watching rock videos on tv. Dave, Kevin and Scott sit and stare uncomfortably at a phone which is ringing and continues to do so throughout the sketch]

Bruce: There it is again, the same shot. A beautiful woman waiting for a geeky band at the end of a show. Why don't they show the reality? Why don't they show a big fat roadie with a gut and a t-shirt moving an amp? And you know the thing that bugs me is that these record companies keep pumping these--

Kevin: Aren't you going to answer your phone?

Bruce: No, I'm not expecting a phone call. These record companies keep making these--

Dave: Well, that's sort of the way a phone works. People don't book a call, they just call and you answer, so would you just answer the phone?

Bruce: Why don't you answer the phone?

Dave: I'm not going to answer another man's phone. That would be like sleeping with another man's woman. I mean, that phone call, no matter how attractive, is not for me. You answer it.

Kevin: 23 rings. Someone must want to talk to you pretty bad. I never let a phone ring 23 times.

Dave: No, me either.

Bruce: Guys, it's 2:30 in the afternoon. No one ever calls me at 2:30 in the afternoon.

Scott: Until now . . . Maybe it's an emergency.

Dave: Yeah, ever think of that?

Bruce: Oh come on, don't start that. It's probably just a wrong number.

Kevin: Maybe it's a very wrong number. 42 rings. What kind of FREAK is sitting there by that phone?

Dave: Or maybe its a group of crazies huddled around a speaker phone.

Kevin: Answer the phone.

Dave: C'mon, answer the phone.

Kevin: Answer the phone.

Bruce: Guys, alright! It's just a phone call. [Goes to pick it up]

Scott: Wait!! Listen! There's something wrong with that ring . . . yeah, there's something clinging and desperate about that ring. Like I bet it's some shut-in with his phone strapped to his head for an emergency. And for some reason he dialed your number . . . with his toes.

Kevin, Dave & Scott: [backing away from the phone, getting really freaked out] Yeah . . .

Bruce: [getting edgy himself, but trying to blow the whole thing off] Why would he dial my number?

Scott: I don't know.

Kevin: 65 rings. What kind of FREAK is sitting there by that phone? The sound reverberating in his head . . .

Scott: . . . standing shoeless in the rain . . .

Scott & Kevin: . . . waiting!

Bruce: Come on guys, its not raining.

Kevin: It might be wherever he's calling from.

Dave: Or they.

Scott: Or it.

Bruce: Okay. I'll just answer it. [He reaches over to the receiver when suddenly there's a knock at the door. Everyone screams in terror]

Kevin: 80 rings, 5 knocks, what kind of bizarre scum sucker? . . .

Bruce: Guys. I'm just going to answer the door, alright?

[Kevin, Scott and Dave huddle together in fear, trying to remain calm. Bruce opens the door. It's Mark in Vietnam Vet dress: long hair, moustache, a hawaiian print shirt and shorts. Kevin, Scott and Dave scream]

Mark: Relax, I'm your neighbour. Why won't you guys answer your phone? It's been driving me nuts.

Kevin: We think it might be a madman.

Scott: From a place with a rainy climate.

Mark: Wait, I've heard that ring before . . . in Vietnam!

[Dissolve to Mark's flashback. He is 'Nam, sitting in a small room marked "Supply Depot." On his desk is a ringing phone. With every ring, Mark goes into spastic fits and cries out, "I can't do it, I just can't! Stop it! Stop!" Fade back to the apartment]

Mark: I couldn't answer it then, but maybe I can answer it now. [Inches towards the ringing phone, encouraged by Kevin, Scott and Dave. Grabs the phone, holds onto it for a second, then, with a yell, throws it into a nearby fish tank. The phone keeps ringing] Look. The fish won't go near it. They know something's wrong with that phonecall.

[Shot changes to a wall phone, with the receiver off the hook and hanging down. Camera pulls out to reveal the Sizzler Sisters]

Dave: [as Jerry Sizzler] Answer the phone, prick.

Kevin: [as his sister, Jerry Sizzler] Answer the phone!

Dave: My sister and I are two telephone solicitors.

Kevin: And not two clearly insane people.

Dave: We can see your subscription to Floor Covering Weekly has expired . . .

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video