Singing Philanderer

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
Cast- [Kevin is sitting in a western type bar at a table with two ladies]

Kevin: I'm a ladies man. Go on, touch my belly, I swear it's as hard as a rock. Go on, go on.

[Both ladies reach to touch his larger-than-usual gut]

Kevin: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, ladies! One at a time. First Starr, with the two R's, and then you, the one with the name I can't pronounce. Go Starr. Sickaluguwahunga (?), you next.

[Crying noise is heard to Kevin's right]

Kevin: Wait a second, that plate of nachos is cryin'. I'm gonna go investigate.

[He walks over to the table, and moves a huge plate of nachos aside to reveal a crying Bruce]

Kevin: Lucy!

Bruce: Tex?

Kevin: I don't believe it. What are you doing here?

Bruce: Well you said you had to work late with the guys.

Kevin: [Indignantly] Yeah....SO?

Bruce: SO, here you are with other women.

Kevin: Yeah?

Bruce: Well, I thought we loved eachother, we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.

Kevin: We are baby, we are.

Bruce: What about our relationship? I can't take this anymore. I'll kill myself, I swear, I swear, I swear. [Pulls the nachos back and starts crying]

Kevin: You know, sometimes I think you don't love me enough, that's our problem.

Bruce: It is?

Kevin: Yeah

Bruce: It isn't you sleepin' with everythin' on two legs?

Kevin: No, no. You're just too demanding of me. You expect too much. Let me put it another way.

[Walks over to juke box and puts money in. Music starts playing and Kevin begins to dance]

Kevin: [singing] I think it's ridiculous to say I love you, just to prove that I do.
[walks over to girl sitting on pool table in short shorts with a marker]
I think it's outrageous to come home every night just cuz I'm married to you.
[The girl's leg now reads "Tex 555-4027"]And don't you think that it's just a little bit freaky that I can't see other people to prove to you.....something.
I find it a dazzling slap in the face that when I go out, you expect me to wear, my wedding ring ring ring ring ring.
[takes his ring out of his pocket and throws it away]

[Music picks up, Kevin runs over to the table he was originally sitting at where the girl with the name he can't pronounce gets up to dance with him]

Kevin: [singing] Sometimes I think that you don't love me baby, you don't trust me baby, you're a mean mistrusting lady.
I don't know why I stay with you.

[Unpronounceable girl sits down and Starr gets up]

Kevin: [singing] It could be because of your money, your big rich Daddy's money, and the president's job he got me and I don't have to work a lot...

[music slows down and Kevin walks over to Bruce]

Kevin: [singing] ...I find it stupendously mind blowing, that it's me that you blame, especially since you're so utterly unremarkable sometimes I forget her first name.

Bruce: Lucy!

Kevin: [singing] I love you, I love you, I love you.
[He spots the money Bruce has left on the table and pockets it]
Oh baby, you're fiiiiiiiiine.
Although I haven't actually made love with you since nineteen seventy-nine.

[Music picks up again, Kevin runs back to table where both girls get up to dance with him]

Kevin: But I'm rather handsome baby.
My sideburns drive me crazy, I got a hankerin' for the ladies.
I love you, you know I do.

[Walks over to Bruce and sits down when he concludes singing]

Kevin: [singing] Everybody sing la la-la la la la-la la la la la la la
Oh baby!

[Applause and cheers from audience]

Bruce: So you're saying that our relationship would be better if I trusted you more?

Kevin: Bingo!

Bruce: Well it's a good thing that I brought--my shovel!

[Pulls a shovel out from under the table and repeatedly hits Kevin with it]

Kevin: [walking on his knees away from Bruce] Reprise! [singing] I don't love you baby.
You don't trust me baby.
Call 911 now baby.

[Kevin falls flat on his face and Bruce gets up to join the dancing party that commensed during the "reprise"]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video