Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
[Kevin is sitting in a western type bar at a table with two ladies]
- Kevin- Tex
- Bruce- Lucy
- Various ladies
Kevin: I'm a ladies man. Go on, touch my belly, I swear it's as hard as a rock. Go on, go on.
[Both ladies reach to touch his larger-than-usual gut]
Kevin: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, ladies! One at a time. First Starr, with the two R's, and then you, the one with the name I can't pronounce. Go Starr. Sickaluguwahunga (?), you next.
[Crying noise is heard to Kevin's right]
Kevin: Wait a second, that plate of nachos is cryin'. I'm gonna go investigate.
[He walks over to the table, and moves a huge plate of nachos aside to reveal a crying Bruce]
Kevin: I don't believe it. What are you doing here?
Bruce: Well you said you had to work late with the guys.
Kevin: [Indignantly] Yeah....SO?
Bruce: SO, here you are with other women.
Bruce: Well, I thought we loved eachother, we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.
Kevin: We are baby, we are.
Bruce: What about our relationship? I can't take this anymore. I'll kill myself, I swear, I swear, I swear. [Pulls the nachos back and starts crying]
Kevin: You know, sometimes I think you don't love me enough, that's our problem.
Bruce: It is?
Bruce: It isn't you sleepin' with everythin' on two legs?
Kevin: No, no. You're just too demanding of me. You expect too much. Let me put it another way.
[Walks over to juke box and puts money in. Music starts playing and Kevin begins to dance]
Kevin: [singing] I think it's ridiculous to say I love you, just to prove that I do.
[walks over to girl sitting on pool table in short shorts with a marker]
I think it's outrageous to come home every night just cuz I'm married to you.
[The girl's leg now reads "Tex 555-4027"]
And don't you think that it's just a little bit freaky that I can't see other people to prove to you.....something.
I find it a dazzling slap in the face that when I go out, you expect me to wear, my wedding ring ring ring ring ring.
[takes his ring out of his pocket and throws it away]
[Music picks up, Kevin runs over to the table he was originally sitting at where the girl with the name he can't pronounce gets up to dance with him]
Kevin: [singing] Sometimes I think that you don't love me baby, you don't trust me baby, you're a mean mistrusting lady.
I don't know why I stay with you.
[Unpronounceable girl sits down and Starr gets up]
Kevin: [singing] It could be because of your money, your big rich Daddy's money, and the president's job he got me and I don't have to work a lot...
[music slows down and Kevin walks over to Bruce]
Kevin: [singing] ...I find it stupendously mind blowing, that it's me that you blame, especially since you're so utterly unremarkable sometimes I forget her first name.
Kevin: [singing] I love you, I love you, I love you.
[He spots the money Bruce has left on the table and pockets it]
Oh baby, you're fiiiiiiiiine.
Although I haven't actually made love with you since nineteen seventy-nine.
[Music picks up again, Kevin runs back to table where both girls get up to dance with him]
Kevin: But I'm rather handsome baby.
My sideburns drive me crazy, I got a hankerin' for the ladies.
I love you, you know I do.
[Walks over to Bruce and sits down when he concludes singing]
Kevin: [singing] Everybody sing la la-la la la la-la la la la la la la
[Applause and cheers from audience]
Bruce: So you're saying that our relationship would be better if I trusted you more?
Bruce: Well it's a good thing that I brought--my shovel!
[Pulls a shovel out from under the table and repeatedly hits Kevin with it]
Kevin: [walking on his knees away from Bruce] Reprise! [singing] I don't love you baby.
You don't trust me baby.
Call 911 now baby.
[Kevin falls flat on his face and Bruce gets up to join the dancing party that commensed during the "reprise"]