Couple Disowns Son

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
Cast: [Dave and Kevin stand side-by-side in front of a suburban house, with a young boy next to Kevin. We see the scene through a television camera, as a press conference takes place.]

Dave: We've called this press conference today to announce publicly what is already a growing rumor in the community - that we are disappointed both in our child and in the experience of parenting. Now, we feel a certain sense of responsibility in that when our baby was born, we were often heard to encourage other couples to have children, describing it as, and I quote, "the most incredible experience in the world." We would now like to retract that statement, and for all those who have only recently been stirred to conceive, we offer a word of advice - don't.

Scott: Are you gonna get rid of the child?

Dave: No, no, of course not. We're just gonna go one with our lives, but openly and honestly. Thank you.

[Dave, Kevin, and the boy turn and go into the house. As they do, the reporters yell questions and take pictures, and Dave and Kevin mutter replies back.]

Scott: Tommy! A little smile there, Tommy?

Dave: [quietly] C'mon, Tommy.

Kevin: No more photos, please.

Scott: Tommy! Can you smile still, Tommy? Do they treat you well?

Dave: [muttering] Treating him very well.

Scott: Just let me just see the kid, just one little picture.

Kevin: You've had enough.

[Dave, Kevin, and the boy go into the house, closing the storm door behind them. Scott follows them up the steps and squats, peering through the door into the house.]

Scott: Hey c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, hey Tommy? Whoa, what's that, that's just a black and white TV in there! Hey Tommy!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video