Paranoid Office Worker

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[Kevin is sitting at his desk. He switches the computer on; it doesn't go on. He flips the switch repeatedly, no luck. He pulls the cord and it comes up...unplugged. So, he gets up and plugs it in, turn the computer on, and sits down.]

Kevin: [talks outloud but to himself] Who did this to me? Who *did* this to me? [looks over to man] Ah. It musta been him--the new guy. Yes, of course it was the new guy. He knows I'm number one and he's playing mind games with me. So, he moved the desk away from the outlet. Very clever, new guy. Very, very clever. It's exactly what I would have done. Yes, it seems that I'm dealing with a very cool customer. It will be a pleasure doing battle with you, new guy. If in fact you are a new guy. I'll just put him on my list. [takes a list of names out of his desk, and a pencil. He writes "the new guy" down.] Wait a second, I sharpened this pencil yesterday. Someone is dulling my pencils! [looks over to a woman giggling while she talks with someone] Of course it's her. She deals with pencils all day long. She would know exactly what to do. She's not even looking at me; what a *poker* face she has. She may be against me, but she's a very, very smooth operator and I like her for that. Yes, receptionist, you've earned my grudging respect. You are my enemy, but you fight a good fight. I look forward to meeting you on the field of battle. [adds "receptionist" to his list] Wait a second, everyone's on my list. They're *all* against me. I don't know who their ringleader is, but I like their sense of teamwork. My hats off to them. They've done their research well. They know my weaknesses and they know the best time to strike. One of them could be a genius, maybe all of them. I've got my work cut out for me.

[Kevin stands up and bangs on his desk to get everyone's attention. Mark has walked into frame and behind Kevin.]

Kevin: [to all] All right. All right. Okay. The game is up. I know what each and everyone of you is thinking and what each and everyone of you is about to do. Oh, you're good. You're all very good; I'll give you that. But you've met your match today, my friends. You're dealing with a master now.

Mark: Sit down, you loser.

Kevin: [timidly] Okay. [types away at computer and lifts mouse to computer screen and clicks.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video