Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: Jessica (FrankieFan85@cs.com)
[Two couples are in a living room after finishing dinner. They begin to make casual conversation.]
- Dave- Tom
- Mark- Nina
- Scott- Bram
- Kevin- Tom's wife
Scott: Gosh, that was quite a meal there, Tom. I'm gonna bust a gut...
Dave: I hope I didn't overdo it with the spices.
Scott: No, but I tell ya, I bet I'll pay for it later, though. You don't mind, do you? [Scott undoes his belt] Let that whale out...
Mark: Honey...honey, please...could you not...
Scott: Aww come on, jeez, politeness is for strangers.
Dave: Oh that's true...
Scott: Not for old friends! God, how long we known you guys, anyways?
Dave: Oh, must be uh....
Kevin: Nine years...if you include the year and-a-half that Tom spent in the coma.
[Dave smiles and nods his head]
Dave: The salad years, huh?
Scott: Nine years....jeez, that's a long time, eh? God, I bet you guys wouldn't even mind if I uh, hiked my pants down a little, now would you?
Dave: Make yourself at home, pal!
Mark: Honey...honey, please...
Scott: Hey, would you....Nina! Would you loosen up, please? This is the Peaks, here! Our oldest friends in the world! I mean, you guys wouldn't even mind if I did a little dance, would you?
[Scott stands up, his pants still around his ankles, and starts to dance around the floor. He trips and almost falls.]
Scott: Hey whoa! Whoa! Jeez, what happened there? Hahahahaha! Did you see that? Thank god we're old friends, eh?
[Scott gets up and walks around the back of the couch towards the chair where Kevin is sitting.]
Dave: Oh, you're so right, pal.
Scott: Jeez, that's the thing about old friends is they understand everything, ya know?
Scott: I mean, they know ya inside out, ya know? They don't care what ya do!
[Scott leans over the chair and kisses Kevin.]
Scott: I mean, it's just a harmless peck on your wife's lips, eh Tom?
Dave: You bet, pal!
Mark: Okay honey, you're embarrassing me now!
Kevin: Relax, Nina. I'm fine. I'm a grown woman.
Dave: Yeah, come on Nina. Bram's just havin us on.
Scott: Sure I am. I mean, what I'm havin is havin ya on. I mean, what else could it be as I undo your wife's dress and run my callused carpenter's hand down her back...
[Scott unzips the zipper in the back of Kevin's dress and puts his hand on his back.]
Kevin: Feels like friendship to me!
Scott: And surely we're all hip enough to recognize this [he picks up Kevin] as a classic burlesque of standard social interaction as I pick your wife up, carry her over to the dining room table, lay her down, and proceed to make love to her in a way that you never had the guts to try!
[Scott does just this, and Dave and Mark start laughing.]
Scott: [looks over at Dave] Eh buddy? Eh friend? Huh? Eh, Barney to my Fred?
Kevin: He wanted to but he just couldn't! He's impotent! You don't mind if I tell them you're impotent, do you honey?
Dave: [laughs and takes a sip of coffee] Mind? Why, I insist on it! Why shouldn't these good people know about my problems with the old dingly-dangly, eh?
Scott: You're next, pal!
[Dave starts laughing again, probably on his own. It could have easily not been in the script.]
Scott: I want you in me.
Dave: [pointing at his, uh, crotch area] Sorry, no can do! Although I'd love to! [turns towards Mark] Oh sure Nina, I experimented with homosexuality in college, but then who didn't? Oh! And I drank human blood! There, I said it and I feel better for having said it!
Mark: Good for you!
Dave: Can I get you a liqueur, Nina?
Mark: I...I don't like liqueurs!
Mark: No, I don't!
[The shot widens to include Kevin and Scott on the table in the background.]
Dave: Have I been forcing you to drink liqueurs for nine years?
Mark: Oh no....and you know what other thing?
Dave: What? Tell me.
Mark: Do you remember that lamp that you gave us for Christmas?
Dave: Yes of course I remember it.
Mark: And we told you that we broke it?
Dave: And that's fine! We understand...
Mark: No, no. We didn't break it. We hated it. We just threw it out!
[Kevin suddenly looks over at Mark, very surprised. Dave gets a very serious look on his face.]
Dave: So you didn't like the lamp, is that it, Nina?
Mark: Well, uh...
Dave: Hey honey? Ya hear about the uh, lamp?
Kevin: [gets off the table] I certainly did, and suddenly I have a headache. And we do have to get up early for work...in a couple of days.
[Mark stammers, and Scott stands up, holding a table cloth around his waist.]
Scott: Well, I guess we better be going. So uh, thanks for the lovely, uh, dinner.
Dave: [as he zips up Kevin's dress] Thanks for coming over.
Scott: It was a nice evening.
Mark: It was a lovely meal!
[Scott pulls her towards the door.]
Scott: Stop it, Nina! Stop it! Haven't you done enough damage already? [turns to Dave and Kevin] I'm sorry...she just....
[Dave and Mark start talking at the same time.]
Scott: Nina, please...don't make it worse...thank you.
[Mark whines as Scott pushes him out the front door.]
Scott: [to Mark as they shut the door behind them] Well you ruined another dinner party!
Dave: Well I guess we have lousy taste in lamps.
Kevin: I guess we do.