The Friendly Couples

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Jessica (
Cast- [Two couples are in a living room after finishing dinner. They begin to make casual conversation.]

Scott: Gosh, that was quite a meal there, Tom. I'm gonna bust a gut...

Dave: I hope I didn't overdo it with the spices.

Scott: No, but I tell ya, I bet I'll pay for it later, though. You don't mind, do you? [Scott undoes his belt] Let that whale out...

Mark: Honey...honey, please...could you not...

Scott: Aww come on, jeez, politeness is for strangers.

Dave: Oh that's true...

Scott: Not for old friends! God, how long we known you guys, anyways?

Dave: Oh, must be uh....

Kevin: Nine years...if you include the year and-a-half that Tom spent in the coma.

[Dave smiles and nods his head]

Dave: The salad years, huh?

[Everyone agrees]

Scott: Nine years....jeez, that's a long time, eh? God, I bet you guys wouldn't even mind if I uh, hiked my pants down a little, now would you?

Dave: Make yourself at home, pal!

Mark: Honey...honey, please...

Scott: Hey, would you....Nina! Would you loosen up, please? This is the Peaks, here! Our oldest friends in the world! I mean, you guys wouldn't even mind if I did a little dance, would you?

[Scott stands up, his pants still around his ankles, and starts to dance around the floor. He trips and almost falls.]

Scott: Hey whoa! Whoa! Jeez, what happened there? Hahahahaha! Did you see that? Thank god we're old friends, eh?

[Scott gets up and walks around the back of the couch towards the chair where Kevin is sitting.]

Dave: Oh, you're so right, pal.

Scott: Jeez, that's the thing about old friends is they understand everything, ya know?

Dave: Yeah.

Scott: I mean, they know ya inside out, ya know? They don't care what ya do!

[Scott leans over the chair and kisses Kevin.]

Scott: I mean, it's just a harmless peck on your wife's lips, eh Tom?

Dave: You bet, pal!

Mark: Okay honey, you're embarrassing me now!

Kevin: Relax, Nina. I'm fine. I'm a grown woman.

Dave: Yeah, come on Nina. Bram's just havin us on.

Scott: Sure I am. I mean, what I'm havin is havin ya on. I mean, what else could it be as I undo your wife's dress and run my callused carpenter's hand down her back...

[Scott unzips the zipper in the back of Kevin's dress and puts his hand on his back.]

Kevin: Feels like friendship to me!

Scott: And surely we're all hip enough to recognize this [he picks up Kevin] as a classic burlesque of standard social interaction as I pick your wife up, carry her over to the dining room table, lay her down, and proceed to make love to her in a way that you never had the guts to try!

[Scott does just this, and Dave and Mark start laughing.]

Scott: [looks over at Dave] Eh buddy? Eh friend? Huh? Eh, Barney to my Fred?

Kevin: He wanted to but he just couldn't! He's impotent! You don't mind if I tell them you're impotent, do you honey?

Dave: [laughs and takes a sip of coffee] Mind? Why, I insist on it! Why shouldn't these good people know about my problems with the old dingly-dangly, eh?

Scott: You're next, pal!

[Dave starts laughing again, probably on his own. It could have easily not been in the script.]

Scott: I want you in me.

Dave: [pointing at his, uh, crotch area] Sorry, no can do! Although I'd love to! [turns towards Mark] Oh sure Nina, I experimented with homosexuality in college, but then who didn't? Oh! And I drank human blood! There, I said it and I feel better for having said it!

Mark: Good for you!

Dave: Can I get you a liqueur, Nina?

Mark: No...

Dave: No?

Mark: I...I don't like liqueurs!

Dave: No?

Mark: No, I don't!

[The shot widens to include Kevin and Scott on the table in the background.]

Dave: Have I been forcing you to drink liqueurs for nine years?

Mark: Oh no....and you know what other thing?

Dave: What? Tell me.

Mark: Do you remember that lamp that you gave us for Christmas?

Dave: Yes of course I remember it.

Mark: And we told you that we broke it?

Dave: And that's fine! We understand...

Mark: No, no. We didn't break it. We hated it. We just threw it out!

[Kevin suddenly looks over at Mark, very surprised. Dave gets a very serious look on his face.]

Dave: So you didn't like the lamp, is that it, Nina?

Mark: Well, uh...

Dave: Hey honey? Ya hear about the uh, lamp?

Kevin: [gets off the table] I certainly did, and suddenly I have a headache. And we do have to get up early for a couple of days.

[Mark stammers, and Scott stands up, holding a table cloth around his waist.]

Scott: Well, I guess we better be going. So uh, thanks for the lovely, uh, dinner.

Dave: [as he zips up Kevin's dress] Thanks for coming over.

Scott: It was a nice evening.

Mark: It was a lovely meal!

[Scott pulls her towards the door.]

Scott: Stop it, Nina! Stop it! Haven't you done enough damage already? [turns to Dave and Kevin] I'm sorry...she just....

[Dave and Mark start talking at the same time.]

Scott: Nina, please...don't make it worse...thank you.

[Mark whines as Scott pushes him out the front door.]

Scott: [to Mark as they shut the door behind them] Well you ruined another dinner party!

Dave: Well I guess we have lousy taste in lamps.

Kevin: I guess we do.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video