Getting A Check At A Restaurant

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
Cast: [Scott walks past Kevin and Bruce]

Bruce: [Stutters and is very squeaky as he remains the entire scene] If I don't get that bill soon, I'm gonna spin out.

Kevin: He's pretending not to see us.

Bruce: It feels like an hour. How long has it been?

Kevin: Four minutes.

Bruce: Well, I can't take it, I'm gonna get up. Excuse me.

Scott: Huh? [sees Bruce] Yeah.

Bruce: Excuse me!

Scott: Yeah, yeah.

[Scott starts to walk over]

Bruce: Excuse me.

Scott: Yes. Yes sir.

Bruce: I'm sorry, but I asked for my bill five minutes ago.

Scott: Oh! [takes out his pad to make up the bill] Oh, OK fine. I'll just make it up for you now then.

Bruce: I didn't want it now. I wanted it eight minutes ago.

Kevin: And I never got my water.

Bruce: I'm not trying to cheat you. I'm not trying to rip you off.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: I'm not some sort of rip off artist here.

Scott: Oh I'll just do it--here sir.

Bruce: Am I talking in a void here? Get the manager. I wanna see the manager.

[Scott calls for the mamager and Bruce pounds the table with his fist. Kevin grabs his hand to calm him down and Scott grabs his arm.]

Scott: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Bruce: It's my right!

[Mark comes on screen]

Scott: This customer has a problem with his bill.

Mark: Hi, I'm the manager.

[Bruce gets up]

Bruce: Yes, and I am a dissatisfied customer. I'm a customer who didn't recieve my bill when I asked for it.

[Mark looks extremely cross-eyed.]

Bruce: I mean I'm not unreasonable, but I asked for my bill fifteen minutes ago.

Scott: Eight minutes ago.

Bruce: I'm not talking to you right now. I'm talking to him. I want my bill.

Mark: [repeating] You want your bill.

[Bruce walks over to the other side of the table]

Bruce: Yes. I shouldn't be here. I should be away from here. I should be fifteen minutes away from here. I don't need this agrivation.

Mark: We'll make up your bill right now sir.

Bruce: No! I don't want it now. I wanted it fifteen minutes ago. [Walks back ot where he was before] What sort of establishment are you running here where you don't want money? I've got no complaints with the food. The food was exquisite. It's the *bill* that i've got my problems with.

Kevin: And I never got my water.

Scott: Oh OK.

Bruce: We were here once before and this didn't happen. Last time we were here we got out bill when we asked for it. Explain that! Explain that! You can't can you, cuz you know I'm right!

[Bruce crosses to the other side of the table]

[Dave is drinking coffee, loking on, and cracking up]

[Bruce is suddenly dressed as a french maid...fishnets and everything]

Bruce: What are you laughing at?! [crosses back over] I don't think it's funny, I think it's sad. I worry about this restauraunt. I do.

[Through the natural moving of his hands, Bruce is now actually dusting Mark with his feather duster]

Bruce: I'm a consumer. I vote with my dollars. They're called dollar votes.

Mark: Of course they are, sir. How can we help you sir?

[Bruce is back in normal clothes]

Bruce: Give me my bill when I ask for it.

Mark: Make up his bill.

Scott: I have it.

Bruce: [very loud] You're not listening!!!! I don't want it now! I wanted it twenty minutes ago!

Scott: Fifteen!

Bruce: I'm not talking to you buster. I'm talking to him!

[Bruce crosses over to the other side of the table]

Bruce: If you're such a great manager why weren't you out here managing 20 minutes ago, eh? Were you in a hammock, eh?

[Dave is still drinking coffee and cracking up]

[Bruce is now in a red marching band outfit and carrying a rifle]

Bruce: What are you laughing at?! [crosses back over] I shouldn't be here. I should be away from here. I should be twenty minutes away from here. I'm trying to give you money. Now that's not such a bad thing, is it?

Mark: We have your bill now, sir.

[Bruce shrieks]

Bruce: Am I the only one who's listening?!?!?! Is this such a hard thing to understand?!!?! I don't want it now!!!

Mark: Allright, why don't we turn our watches back twenty minutes?

Scott: Yeah!

Mark: [To Scott] Turn your watch back.

Scott: I'm doing it.

Bruce: That won't work! Time goes forward! Don't you know that? What kind of restauraunt are you running that you don't understand how time works?

Mark: How can we satisfy you, sir?

Bruce: By giving me what I've been asking for, for three hours! An apology!

Mark: Well of course we're sorry, sir.

Scott: [leans in to Kevin] We're very sorry.

[Kevin growls and tries to bite Scott]

Scott: Jesus!

[Bruce throws money on the table and gets ready to leave]

Bruce: That's all I wanted. That wasn't so hard was it. Next time, give someone their bill when they ask for it.

[Bruce is now in a nutty bunny suit.]

Bruce: It works to your advantage. [He starts to walk out and then turns around.] I'm not unreasonable. I'm a nutty bunny.

Kevin: I never got my water.

Bruce: I don't like to complain. I like to frolic. I'm a nutty bunny. I'm a little creature.

[Dave drinks his coffee and looks like he is recovering from hearing a really funny joke.]

[Mark and Scott exchange confused looks]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video