Scott's Not Gay Anymore

Transcribed from: HBO
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Scene: Backstage at the CBC. Bruce is talking to Kevin lounging while Kevin is combing his hair.]

Bruce: So, honestly, what did you eat today?

Kevin: Muffin.

Bruce: Kevin. I keep telling you about muffins. They're so fattening.

Kevin: But they taste so good.

Bruce: It's a lie.

[Enter Dave]

Dave: Have you guys seen Scott?

Bruce: Uh yeah, I think he's in his dressing room.

Dave: Great....

Kevin: Why? Is there something wrong?

Dave: Yeah... Maybe... There's a rumor going around town, down at the docks, they're saying Scott isn't gay anymore.

Kevin: [whispering is disbelief] What?!?

Dave: Yeah. I just think we should find out.

[They exit. Scene changes to Scott's dressing room. He's rehearsing a "Buddy"monologue in front of his make-up mirror]

Scott: They say that Ethiopians are less trustworthy than the Turks, but more industrious than the Danes...

[Dave, Bruce and Kevin enter]

Scott: They say that the...

Dave: [interrupting] Scott? We need to talk to you.

Scott: Yeah?

Dave: People are saying that you're not gay anymore.

Scott: Why... that's ludicrous... Why... I outrage...

[A woman comes out of Scott's shower in a green bathrobe drying her hair.]

Diane: Oh, that felt wonderful!!!

Scott: [embarrassed] Oh, sure.

Diane: See you later.

Scott: [giggling] Ooookay.

Diane: [to the other 3] Hi guys. [Woman exits]

Kevin: Well who's she, Scott?

Dave: Yeah.

Scott: SHE happens to be a girl. Who happens to be my friend. So I guess that makes her technically my girlfriend. If you want to be a stickler? It's all semantics really, girlfriend... fiance... wife. She's my wife.

Other 3: What!?!

Scott: I'm sure I'm sorry!

Bruce: Scott? What are we supposed to do? I mean, first you were gay. Right?

Scott: Right.

Bruce: And then you were really gay.

Dave: Yeah.

Scott: Okay.

Kevin: Oh, oh, then he was irritatingly gay.

Dave: Oh yeah.

Kevin: Do you remember that?

Scott: I don't recall that one, Kevin. No.

Bruce: And now you're UN-gay? I mean, what are we supposed to believe, Scott?

Scott: Well... you know... LISTEN LYNCH MOB! I don't care what you believe, okay? I'm having a hard enough time adjusting to being straight so back-off!

Dave: Oh come on, Scott.

[Mark enters wearing a vendor's box like you would see at a ball park. It's filled with "Scott" related merchandise. Such as a T-shirt of Scott that says, "Scott... a fag for all seasons"; bumper sticker that says, "We BEHIND you all the way (get it?)"and "Scott's gay... gay... gay... gay... YAY!!!"; and also the straps are filled with "Scott" buttons.]

Mark: Hey, guys, look. They're in. [Mark holds up the t-shirt] So, what's wrong with you?

Dave: Scott's not gay anymore, Mark.

Mark: [disbelieving] These are worthless?

Dave: I'm afraid so.

Mark: Wait, this is worthless stuff?

Scott: [barely audible] uh-huh.

Mark: [holds up forearms on a stick with hands dangling from broken wrists] My "Buddy Cole Limp Wristies"are worthless?

Scott: [grabbing for the limp wristies] Those are great!! [Mark slaps Scott's hands away with the limp wristies]

Scott: OW!

Mark: They're worthless, Scott! I'll see you in court! [Mark storms out of the room]

Dave: Way to go, Scott.

Bruce and Kevin: Yeah, Scott.

Scott: Well, I'm sorry.

Dave: You really made Mark happy.

Scott: I'm sorry. I'm sure I'm sorry. I said that I'm sorry. What do you want from me? An explanation?

Dave: No, Scott, it's not US you have to explain to... It's your people.

Scott: People, Dave? You're so dramatic.

Dave: Yes, Scott, you're people. You owe them that much. [Dave grabs Scott and drags him out of the room.]

Scott: I don't owe anybody anything!

Dave: You owe them!

Scott: I don't!

Dave: C'mon. You're a hero to these people.

Scott: I don't care!

[Scene changes to a Pride Day rally... It's actually footage of some rock concert from the eighties.]

Man in Crowd (MIC): What do we want?

Crowd: Homosexuality!

MIC: When do we want it?

Crowd: Often!

MIC: What do we want?

Crowd: Homosexuality!

MIC: When do we want it?

Crowd: Often!

[Switch to stage with a charcoal gray back drop a single microphone with a spotlight shining on it.]

[Dave drags Scott on to the stage. ]

Crowd: [chanting] Buddy... Buddy... Buddy... etc.

Dave: People... People please!!! Please!!!! Scott "Buddy" Thompson has something he'd like to say to you all. Scott?

Crowd: [chanting] Out of the closets and in to the streets!!!!

Scott: Good Group! [all silent, hanging on his every word] Well, it's ahhh, funny that you should mention that. Because it has recently come to my attention... that... *I*... am not... [clears his voice] gay.

[Crowd gasps]

Scott: I... I... thought I was... but I made a mistake. Uh, I'm sure I'm sorry... I guess I was in a hurry. OK! 'nuff said! What do we want!?! Come on... WHAT DO WE WANT!?!

Committee Rep: Scott Thompson? [hands Scott a dozen roses] On behalf of the Gay and Lesbian Pride Day Committee [he grabs the flowers back] We will no longer be needing you as Grand Marshall for our parade. We're going with our second choice... Kevin Costner.

Scott: I'm sorry, but he's not gay either.

Committee Rep: Yeah, but he's really cute! [He exits stage right]

[Crowd starts a barrage of booing]

Dave: It's okay, Scott. It's okay. Look I think we should get out of here.

Scott: No, Dave I will not flee. [Crowd starts hurling fruit at them] It's obvious that they still love me.

Dave: I don't think you've quite get them pegged there, Scott.

Crowd: KILL 'IM!!!!!!!!!

[Scott and Dave flee for their lives. Scene changes to the "mob" scene from Frankenstein.]

[Scott and Dave enter a door backstage at the CBC. Dave is trying to hold it shut as the mob tries to open it.. Both Dave and Scott are panting from being chased.]

Scott: Oh... we're safe.

Dave: You know what, Scott? You've done the right thing, and I'm proud of you.

Scott: Yes, Dave, I know. But there's still one person I have to tell. HOLD THE FORT!!! [Scott exits]

Dave: [Crowd starts winning] Scott?!? Uh, Scott!

[Scene changes back to Scott's dressing room. Scott's in front of his mirror again.]

Scott: [starring straight ahead] This is very hard for me, Luciano, but here it goes. I'm not gay anymore!

Luciano: [rises into the scene after being "down"on Scott] But we'll still meet on Thursdays, won't we?

Scott: Oh, God, yes. As you were.

Luciano: Thank you. [He descends again]

Scott: That's better... I feel cleansed. TEETH! Luciano, mind the TEETH! I'm an entertainer, not a chew toy! Ahhh.... that's it. Honesty... Honesty....

[Scott makes a "climax" face and the scene fades to black.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video