No Smoking

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[on subway platform]

Mark: [doing karate kicks close to Scott] Wah! Wah! Ah! Hah! Ah!

Scott: Cut it out, wouldja? `Kay?

Mark: Hey, you know that Glenda? I think she likes me, what do you think?

Scott: I dunno.

Mark: What? You don't think she likes me?

Scott: I said, I don't know.

Mark: Well, I think she likes me.

Scott: Yeah, whatever.

[Mark takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth.]

Scott: Whattya doin'?

Mark: Nothin'.

Scott: Whattya doin'?

Mark: Well, nothin'.

Scott: What's that?

Mark: What, this?

Scott: Yeah.

Mark: The cigarette?

Scott: Yeah. The cigarette.

Mark: What about it?

Scott: You're not allowed to smoke in the subway.

Mark: It's not lit. I'm not smoking.

Scott: Take it out of your mouth.

Mark: Tony! I'm not smoking. It's not lit.

Scott: Take it out of your mouth.

Mark: I'm not. . . Forget it. No way.

Scott: Take it out of your mouth.

Mark: Tony, look, forget it.

Scott: What, you're not gonna take it out of your mouth?

Mark: Tony, look, look--mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. See, no smoke. It's not lit. All right? I'm not smokin'.

[Scott takes the cigarette out of Mark's mouth and tosses it away.]

Mark: Hey! What'd you do that for?!

Scott: You're not allowed to smoke in the subway.

Mark: Tony, I wasn't for Christ's sake!!

Scott: Go pick it up.

Mark: What?!

Scott: Go pick it up.

Mark: You threw it out of my mouth, man.

Scott: You're not allowed to litter on the subway.

Mark: What's up your ass? What's gotten into you?

Scott: You're up my ass. You gonna pick it up?

Mark: Nooo.

[Scott slaps him.]

Mark: Are you nuts?

Scott: Are ya gonna pick it up?

Mark: Up yours.

[Scott slaps him again.]

Mark: Look Tony, stop it, okay?

Scott: Or what?

Mark: Nothin'.

[Scott slaps him again.]

Mark: Tony. I'm ordering you.

Scott: Or what?

Mark: [about to slap him, but refrains] Just nothin', okay?

[Scott slaps him again; Mark slaps Scott back.]

Mark: Tony.

Scott: Oooh-oo-ooh-hoo.

Mark: C'mon man you made me.

[They alternately slap each other...]

Mark: Will ya. . .stop it. . .c'mon man what are you doin' this for!?. . .What?. . .Tony, stop it, c'mon man what are you doing' this for?!. . .what is wrong with. . .

[Scott takes Mark in a headlock.]

Scott: Ah ah ah. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey--tiger. Calm down. I'd never hurt you, ya jerk. Maybe next time you'll listen to me, right?

Mark: You're crazy, you know that Tony?

Scott: Yeah. Go pick it up.

Mark: Tsss. Alright, yeah. [dances over to it] Yeah, yeah. I'm pickin' it up, look, ya happy now?

Scott: Delirious. Give it here.

[Mark is hesitant]

Scott: Give me the smoke. Jus' for a second.

[Scott puts it in his mouth and lights it.]

Mark: Tony, what are you doing? Tony--Tony, that's my last cigarette! Don't do that to me, Tony. Tony, you hypocrite. You--

Scott: Never said I wasn't.

Mark: Yeah. Well, give me the cigarette. [approaches Scott] C'mon Tony, don't--give me the cigarette, will ya?

[Scene ends with Mark trying to get the cigarette from Scott, from behind, and Scott easily holding him off.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video