A Trial Where Nobody's Guilty

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Laura Cihocki
Cast- [Scene opens in a courtroom. Bruce sits at the prosecutor's table. Mark and Kevin sit at the defense table, and Dave is on the bench.]

Dave: The charge is murder. How does the defense plead?

Mark: [standing] Your honor, the defense would like to plead not guilty.

Dave: Fine, then the court finds in favor of the defense. Your client's free to go. [He raps his gavel.]

Bruce: What?

Kevin: [jumping up] Yes! Yes! Yes! Honey, we didn't need the alibi! [He runs toward a woman in the courtroom audience.] I have to be fast! My murder weapon! [He runs over to the prosecutor's table and grabs a gun, then heads out of the courtroom.] Where's the men's room?

Bruce: Your honor, may I approach the bench, please?

Dave: Yes, you may.

Bruce: [stepping up to the bench] Your honor, uh, did it ever occur to you that the defendant might have been lying?

Dave: Well, Mr. District Attorney, no. No, that never occurred to me.

Bruce: But we have seven eyewitnesses, his prints were all over the murder weapon, his shirt was soaked with the victim's blood...as a matter of fa--

Dave: [interrupting] Well, maybe I'm just not as cynical as you are. If that young man says he's not guilty, I'm afraid that's good enough for me. Now, we have a very busy schedule; I suggest we move along. Call the next case, please! [He bangs his gavel.]

Man: The court calls Buddy "the Killer" Cole.

[Camera moves over to defense table, where Scott is perching on the back of the defense chair next to Mark. Scott is wearing his prison stripes, cross, and hat with feather in it from his jail monologue. He is also holding the metal martini glass used in the monologue.]

Dave: Mr. Killer. This is your appeal hearing. How does the defense plead?

Mark: [standing]: Sir, the, uh, defense is prepared to plead guilty to a lesser charge of oo--[he breaks off as Scott hits him lightly on the arm.]

Scott: Innocent, your honor!

Dave: Fine, case dismissed; you're free to go. Oh, and by the way, I'm a great fan of your monologues.

Scott: Thanks! [He walks away, a ball-and-chain slung over his shoulder.]

Dave: Let's see if we can't save a little bit of time, here. Is there anyone in this court who IS guilty?

[Defendants all chorus no's and not me's.]

Dave: Fine, everyone is found not guilty; everyone is free to go. [Everyone leaves happily.] Mr. District Attorney, would you please approach the bench? [Bruce steps up to the bench.] Tell me, did you even bother to ask any of these people if they were guilty?

Bruce: Well, of course.

Dave: And?

Bruce: And they said they were innocent.

Dave: Mr. District Attorney! It has never been the practice of this court to put innocent people in jail just to further my own career! May I suggest, Mr. District Attorney, that this is the wrong line of work for a man like you. After all, just because your name is Mr. District Attorney does not mean this is the only job you can hold!

[Bruce is staring at Dave in silent fury.]

Bruce: My name isn't Mr. District Attorney. People just call me that because...I'm the district attorney.

Dave: Well, fine, then it should be very easy for you to put this little career mistake behind you. This court is now adjourned. [He raps his gavel.] If anyone needs me, I'll be in chambers, drawing amusing caricatures of prominent political figures. [to Bruce] And stop kicking the bench, ya big baby!

[Bruce stops kicking as Dave leaves.]

Bruce: [to himself as he leaves the empty courtroom] Well, people have been known to lie! It's not a part of human nature that I'm particularly proud of. People lie! [He reaches the exit, where Scott is sitting next to the door. Bruce looks at him.] And I think your monologues are a little long!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video