The Nasty Break-Up

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Bruce is sitting on the couch reading Elle; Mark comes from the hallway with a box of things.]

Mark: Well, uh, I think that's all my stuff, but if you do find my sofa-bed I'd appreciate it if you let me know.

Bruce: It just disappeared.

Mark: Right.

Bruce: Jeremy.

Mark: Yeah?

Bruce: Isn't it great to be single again?

Mark: Oh yeah, I feel, uh, good about breaking up. Do you feel good about it?

Bruce: I feel great about it.

Mark: Good! Good. Yeah, I think it's smart we, uh, never did anything stupid like get married, you know?

Bruce: [half-heartedly laughing] Yeah. Because then we would have done something stupid like have children.

Mark: [laughing] Yeah, what a disaster that would have been.

Bruce: [laughing] Yeah, you--a father.

Mark: So, uh, are you, uh, still planning on having kids one day?

Bruce: Oh, I'm sure I'll have a family one day when I meet a mature partner, yeah.

Mark: Well, you better hurry up.

Bruce: [pauses] I'm only 29.

Mark: Yeah, I know. I know. Still--tick, tick, tick.

[Mark is starting to leave.]

Bruce: Jeremy?

Mark: Yeah?

Bruce: I was just thinking of something kind of interesting. Isn't it interesting to think you'll never have this again, that you won't be ever. . .to make love to this again? That you had it for the last time? [giggling] You can look, but that's it. I just thought that was kind of interesting.

Mark: I don't find that that interesting, no.

Bruce: Still--going going gone, history, bye.

Mark: Yeah. . .yeah, well I should go 'cuz I'm giving golf lessons tonight to a singles group called "Pit of Women." So, you know, I better be off. Wish me luck.

[Mark is about out the door.]

Bruce: I bet I get laid before you do.

[Mark comes back.]

Mark: Oh really? I bet you don't.

Bruce: Well, I beg to differ.

Mark: Well, you're free to differ all you want but I'd be surprised if I didn't get laid three times this week. Now that I come to think of it, at least three times.

Bruce: I bet I get laid twice in the next six hours.

Mark: Well, sounds like the race is on.

Bruce: Yeah, I guess it is. Get on your Mark, get set, go. Bye, stud. [giggling]

[Mark is about gone again, but turns back.]

Mark: Wait wait, I almost forgot. I want to send you an artist's rendering of me satisfying women of all types. Where should I send that? Should I send that here? Or to your office?

[Bruce is walking away from Mark.]

Bruce: Um, why don't you send that to your best friend's house where I'll be up on top of him.

Mark: [shocked, pauses] Are you saying that just to make me angry?

Bruce: [giggling] No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. [seriously] I'm not.

Mark: Okay, I should leave anyway because I'm starting to get angry and I don't know why. Okay, bye.

Bruce: [sweetly] Oh Jeremy. This is silly. C'mon, give me a goodbye-hug.

[Mark is surprised.]

Bruce: C'mon. C'mon.

[Mark drops the box. They hug.]

Mark: All right. Thanks for a great relationship.

Bruce: Thank you.

[Bruce grabs Mark's ass, and they do a bit more than hugging.]

Bruce: Penny for your thoughts.

Mark: Sex.

Bruce: Well, it's gotta be quick 'cuz I've got some calls to make.

Mark: Me too!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video