Money Momentum

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Bruce and Mark are standing in front of a crowd of seated senior citizens and in front of a chalkboard with "$100" written on it. There is a bowl of money on Bruce's side.]

Mark: Okay, now before we get started--

Bruce: Hold it Jeff. Why don't we *just* get started?

Mark: Oh, you got me. Right. Because there is no time like the present for money. Is that--

Bruce: Ooo. When you said money I felt a certain feeling rising up from this group here today.

Mark: You know why? Because we're not standing in our hotel in our underwear now Gord.

Bruce: Not right now.

Mark: No, we're standing here, wearing finely tailored Italian suits--

Bruce: Wow, the Italians.

Mark: --In front of a group of people who seem to me to have Money Momentum.

Bruce: Well, applause would convince me.

Mark: Let's hear it.

[applause by seniors]

Mark: Okay, okay. Let's take a little survey. How many people in the room tonight are over 50?

[seniors raise hands.]

Mark: All of you.

Bruce: All of you. That's great.

Mark: Okay. Well you know folks, you gotta know there's a lot of good years ahead of you to gain Money Momentum.

Bruce: That's right. It doesn't matter if you become a shut-in, if you lose your legs, all you need is a phone voice.

Mark: Because who would mind being a shut-in if you were shut in a bank vault?

[Bruce and Mark laugh.]

Bruce: Okay, what I'm going to do right now is just, uh pull out some money and neck with it. Okay? I love money just that much.

Mark: Okay. Hey, you love your wife and you kiss her, don't ya?

Bruce: Well, sometimes. [laughs] And money never says "no."

Mark: That's right. Okay. Go kiss some money. While he's kissing money, I'm gonna stand over here and tell you a little story. Now, when I was three years old, I didn't quite understand the value of a dol--wait a second! How many people here are watching Gord?

[seniors raise hands]

Mark: All of you, yeah, of course.

Bruce: What we just did was illustrate a point. It's better to get involved with money than to just talk about money.

Mark: It's true. Okay. Now, let's get down to work. I'm gonna take off my $900 suit jacket.

Bruce: I'm gonna take off $1100 suit jacket.

Mark: And I'm gonna hike up the sleeves of my $210 shirt and direct your attention to this blackboard where I've written down "$100." Now everyone's had $100 in their life, but I'm gonna show what a comma and three zeros can do. [adds them] Folks, we've got $100,000 happening.

Bruce: *That's* Money Momentum.

Mark: And it's *that* easy. Yeah.

Bruce: Okay, how many people here have bought a really bad used car?

[seniors raise hands.]

Bruce: Uh-huh.

Mark: All of you.

Bruce: That's great.

Mark: And how many people here have paid, say, $1100 for that junk heap? C'mon.

[seniors raise hands]

Mark: All of you. Okay. What a bunch of losers, Gord!

Bruce: Okay how many people here got uncomfortable here when Jeff called you a bunch of losers?

[seniors raise hands]

Bruce: All of you. That's fine. He did it to illustrate a point. People have been calling you losers perhaps all your lives, because you went in on pyramid schemes, uh, rent on real estate ventures that soured, lost jobs of course--

Mark: Or maybe got hit by lightening. How many people here have been hit by lightening, incidentally?

[seniors raise hands]

Mark: Okay, all of you.

Bruce: Okay, but folks, you're not a bunch of losers.

Mark: No.

Bruce: You're a bunch of winners with no winnings.

Mark: That's true. It's true. It's true.

Bruce: Let me tell you a story.

Mark: Wouldya Gord, huh?

Bruce: We were doing a seminar in Seattle; we do these seminars around the world, but mostly in Seattle.

Mark: I love this story.

Bruce: And after the seminar, this young boy came up to me and he was 300 pounds. He was uncomfortable, as a lot of people were, with his weight.

Mark: Now, a lot of people would call him "lard throat." Now, that's very funny, but it's also very cruel.

Bruce: So I told him to try the money principles to other aspects of his life. And we saw this child at our next seminar, about six months later, and he was 295 pounds, ladies and gentlemen! He had lost five pounds!

Mark: That's right, he lost five pounds. And all that kid was doing was using the same kind of motivation that you can use to turn this 1 [on the blackboard] into a 4. We have $400,000.

Bruce: In your spare time.

Mark: In your spare time.

[all applaud]

Bruce: What I'm gonna do then is eat some money.

Mark: Okay!

Bruce: I'm gonna pull some out and hork it back. I love money just that much.

Mark: Alright. While he's eating some money over there, I'm gonna take a quick survey. How many people here, say, had the experience of living in a trailer park that exploded?

[seniors raise hands]

Mark: All of you. Well I'm going to ask all you people to give yourselves a hand. Why? Why? C'mon clap. Because you've got [turns chalkboard over to reveal the figure] two million dollars in your available cash pool. And don't let your banker tell you different. Wow! Look at Gord eat money!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video