Blues Man Heckler

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
Cast: [Mississippi Gary is playing in a Blues Club.]

Mark: [singing] And she wrapped me up inside myself, yes she did, now. She gave me the knotted-up lovin' blues. [plays the harmonica]

[There is applause when the song ends.]

Mark: Yeah! We got that one down! We got that one down! Yes sir! We got that one down! [To Jeff] You be playin' out the back door that time, my friend. [laughs]

Dave: Hey! Wait a minute! You don't have the blues! Look at ya, laughin' and havin' fun!

Mark: Look, my friend, we just laughin' because we be playin' the blues. That's why you play the blues, you know, to chase 'em away. [somber] I feel blue again now, so I'm gonna play a song for you which is--

Dave: So what? You can just turn the blues on and off like a tap?

Mark: No my friend, the blues is very profound, they blues they comes and take you--

Dave: Yeah, whenever it's convenient.

Mark: [laughing to try and bruch it off] He's a smart boy! You just go and finish that drink. I'm gonna play another song for these people. This is a song about a woman who loved me up until a couple of weeks ago, but then she slapped my heart around like a piece of meat. It's called the the "Heart-Slappin-Woman-Blues". So we're gonna do this one time for ya. 1, 2--

Dave: Wait a minute! You mean to tell me that you slept with a woman and now you're *whining* about it? You're not a bluesman, you're an idiot!

Mark: 'Scuse me, I am a blues man. I'm an authentic bluesman. Yes sir, I got the Louisiana Blues, I had the travelin' blues, I had that two time. I got the blues from my head down to my shoes. I do.

Dave: Hey, aren't those $300 shoes?

[Mark tries to hide one shoe with the other.]

Mark: They was a gift.

Dave: A gift? They were a gift! Boy, that must have been pretty depressing getting those, huh? I mean, gee, what do you need gifts for anyway? I mean, I paid 45 bucks to get in here and I figure so did everyone else. So 200 times 45 has gotta be, uhh...

Mark: $9,000 dollars, man.

Dave: And you're good at math! I'm terrible at math! I mean maybe if I was good in math, I could--I could get a a better job.

[Jeff plays a guitar riff in rhythm to Dave's rantings]

Dave: Move out of my basement apartment.

[Jeff plays again.]

Dave: Maybe meet a woman. I mean--

[Jeff plays again and Gary gives him a harsh look.]

Mark: Excuse me, I *do* sign the checks.

Jeff: Sorry Gary!

Dave: Yeah, you're right. No one came here to listen to me whine, did they? No, everyone came to listen to you play the blues. I mean everyone here loves you, not me, isn't that right?

[Audience claps and cheers]

Mark: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I'd like to play a new song for you now-- It's called "There's-a-Very-Effective-Heckler-in-my-Audience-Blues". [to band] Follow me on this one boys. 1, 2, 3, 4

[Band starts playing]

Mark: [singing] He got my number, oh yeah he got my number good. [plays harmonica] He knows I live in a nice house in a real fine neighborhood.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video