Melanie: Parents Are Away

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
Cast- [Close up on a window of frosted glass, looking out at a dark, stormy night. The camera zooms out slowly to show Melanie and her boyfriend, both wearing school uniforms, sitting in a bay window.]

Kevin: Um, so I guess my fifteenth favorite band would have to be the Pogues [thunder rumbles, the band name is hard to hear, so it could be wrong].

Mark: Me too.

Kevin: And, uh, I guess my sixteenth favorite band is, is uh, Aerosmith, definitely Aerosmith.

Mark: Yeah, me too.

Kevin: Really? And my seventeenth favorite band, it's uh, it's a toss up between several good bands from Scotland.

Mark: D'you know what I like? The rain. It's so romantic.

Kevin: Yeah. [looking a bit nervous] Gosh, Melanie, you look really pretty in this light.

Mark: Really? [giggles] So do you remember the first time we kissed?

Kevin: Yeah. It was at choir practice.

Mark: Yeah.

Kevin: And we got caught.

Mark: Yeah, that was so romantic.

[Mark giggles again, and the lightning flashes off her braces. Kevin is startled, and starts to look scared.]

Kevin: [looking at the bed] Yeah, it was romantic. Are you sure we should be in your parents' bedroom?

Mark: Yeah, they're away 'til tomorrow.

Kevin: [unenthusiastic] Great.

Mark: So do you love me?

Kevin: [looking terrified] Yeah?

Mark: Great, 'cause I brought a condom.

[Mark holds up a condom, filled with water like a water baloon. He holds the end that's tied off, and bounces it up and down before holding it with both hands. Kevin looks absolutely petrified.]

Mark: Sorry, I couldn't resist.

[Mark hands the condom to Kevin, who takes it reluctantly. He smiles weakly, but looks very scared and a little sick.]

Mark: Are you okay?

Kevin: Huh? Oh yeah, [putting down the condom] oh yeah, I'm fine, why?

Mark: Well, you look pale.

Kevin: Oh no, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. Well, I guess we should- [he gulps] begin.

Mark: Yeah. Wait- I'll go get changed.

Kevin: Oh sure, sure.

[Mark gets up and goes into the bathroom. Kevin picks up the condom again, looks revolted, and puts it back down. He looks at a picture, presumably of Melanie's father, who's posing with a shotgun, and he gets a scared look on his face. He looks up at a cross hanging on the wall, and looks even more afraid. Kevin then looks at a very unfriendly-looking dog that's sitting in the corner, and starts to hyperventilate. He passes out and falls out of the window, landing sprawled face-down on the floor.]

[Cut to Mark in the bathroom, wearing a men's silk shirt. She checks herself in the mirror before going out into the bedroom and spotting Kevin on the floor.]

Mark: [horrified] Oh my God!

[On the floor, the dog is humping Kevin mercilessly.]

Mark: Buster, stop!

[The camera cuts back to show Kevin's face. He's staring blankly into space, eyes wide with either shock or terror, as he slides back and forth on the carpet.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video