Mean Doctor

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [scene: fancy doctor's office]

Scott: Well Don, I have your test results here and ah. I'm afraid the news is bad. You have cancer.

Dave: [blank expression] That's it? [smiles] Okay, see ya. [walks to door]

Scott: Don? Maybe you didn't hear me... you ah, have, cancer. Terminable, inoperable cancer.

Dave: ...*And*?

Scott: *And* you're going to die. You know, die? The big sleep.

Dave: So that's everything? Great [points to watch] 'cause I gotta meet someone. [heads towards door]

Scott: Don?! Maybe you didn't hear me, ah, you know, when I tell people news of this input, they usually react badly, you know, they cry to heaven [lifts arms up mimicking], why me, that sort of thing, y'know.

Dave: I'm sorry doc, I didn't realize I was supposed to put on a *show* for you,

Scott: Well not a show, but it's polite..

Dave: ...but uh, okay, [sarcastic, dancing] *Oooh* I'm *dying*! Oh, why me...

Scott: Shut up...

Dave: ...Oh gosh, I'm so young..

Scott: Just shut up...

Dave: ...So many things...

Scott: Shut up! I'm sorry, I just thought maybe you needed a, shoulder to cry on, a, a friend.

Dave: Heh, heh, no offense doc, I mean, you're a nice guy, but you're like, the *last* guy I'd turn to. Heh..

Scott: [irate] Get the HELL out of my office.

Dave: [laughing] Sure, now that I'm late, thanks. [leaves, shaking head]

Scott: ...I'm losing my touch. [buzzes intercom] Sal? Send in someone who looks vulnerable. [pretends a patient is in the chair] Hello; you're going to DIE DIE DIE!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video