30 Second Stories: Magnetic Joe

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Laura Cihocki and Heather Jones
Cast- [A hand clicks a stopwatch.]

Bruce (V.O.): Thirty-second stories.

[Bruce appears beside a puppet theater; "Joe" the puppet pops up.]

Bruce: This is a story of a bachelor named Joe.
Thirty years old, life full of woe.
[close-up of Bruce]
See, he had this magnetic skin to which metal would stick.
Nails, cans, and--yes--even picks.
[A soup can, then a pick attach themselves to Joe's face.]

[Cut to a woman holding an accordion. She starts to play. Cut back to Bruce and puppet theater.]

Bruce: One day as he walked alone in the rain,
He got stuck to a low-flying plane.
[Airplane puppet appears and Joe sticks to it.]
It drove him around for almost 3 hours.
He got hit by birds and he got struck by towers.
[Tower hits Joe repeatedly.]
And if you were close, you could have heard him say,
"I can attract metal.. But a wife?... Man, there's just no way."

[Back to hand on stopwatch]

Man (V.O.): TIME! [Clock stops]

[Back to Bruce and empty puppet theater.]

Bruce: Thirty-second stories. Kind of sad about Joe.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video