Insane Lounge Singers

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
Cast: [A newspaper spins on screen with the headline "TWO CLEARLY INSANE PEOPLE BREAK OUT OF A LOCAL SANITARIUM"]

[The paper is torn down revealing Mark as a the Channel 7 newscaster. The camera slowly zooms out showing that we are actually looking at a TV]

Mark: Also in the news tonight two clearly insane people broke into a wig store today stole two wigs.

[Mark is handed a paper]

Mark: This just in: Two clearly insane people broke into a stable and stole two donkeys. You know folks, as a professional journalist I have to wonder whether these stories are related. [makes a really dopey face] Hmmmm....

[cut to a shot of Bruce]

Bruce: [hesitantly] So you're the two lounge singers?

[Zoom out to show Sizzler sisters]

Kevin: Yes we are, prick.

Bruce: Those wouldn't happen to be your donkeys outside would they?

Dave: Why no! I mean we might have stolen them, but that doesn't make them our donkeys, does it?

Kevin: Clever, Jerry, Clever. Clever.

[Both start laughing insanely]

Dave: So did you get us the piano player we requested?

Bruce: Yeah, he's up there on stage.

[Shot of piano player]

Kevin: Does he have a piano?

Bruce: Yeah, it's that big thing in front of him.

Dave: Well does he have fingers?

Bruce: [hesitantly] Yes he does.

Kevin: Good, introduce us or die!

Dave: Yes...

[Bruce walks off]

Kevin: I love him.

Dave: But *I* love him.

[Cut to Bruce on stage]

Bruce: Hello everybody and welcome to the preshow part of the show...leave. [waves his hands away from him]

[Audience just stares]

Bruce: I hope you're enjoying the pre-show part of the show. And now that she show is about to begin I hope you'll enjoy the show part of the show. And when that's over I think your favorite part of the show will be the describing the show to the *police* [makes phone call motions with his hands] part of the show. Leave...leave... [makes another sweeping motion which has no effect] Our first act are a couple of guys who--

[Cut to Sizzlers choking eachother]

Kevin and Dave: Sisters! We're a couple of sisters!

[Back to Bruce]

Bruce: Of course are a couple of lovely sisters who want you to know that they are in fact *lounge singers* [shakes head] and not two clearly *insane* people. [nods and swirls his finger around his head] Leave. [This last attempt also does nothing to move the audience] Ladies and gentlemen one hand clapping against the other makes a very nice sound for Sizzler and Sizzler. [starts clapping]

[The audience claps as the Sizzlers run on stage and grab mics]

Kevin: Good evening, pricks. I'm Jerry Sizzler and this is my sister-- [holds his arm on the opposite side of where Dave is]

Dave: --Jerry Sizzler!

Kevin: We of course are two lounge singers--

Dave: --and not two clearly insane people.

Kevin: No.

[The piano player begins to play and the Sizzlers scream]

Dave: What the hell is he doing on stage?!

Kevin: Get the hell off our stage!

Dave: We'll kill you with our bare hands!

[The piano player runs offstage]

Dave: Sizzler and sizzler is an a capella act.

Kevin: We perform alone whenever we perform.

Dave: And this is our first time.

Kevin: Wrong!

Dave: Ooh! Wrong! [starts to bash his head with the mic]

Kevin and Dave: Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Dave: One, two, three, four--

Dave and Kevin: [singing...sorta] Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree. It's been three long years--

Dave: Sing you pricks!!! [holds the mic out to a startled audience]

Dave and Kevin: [still kinda singing] Now the whole damn bus is cheering and I don't believe I see.

[Kevin's leg pops up and he pushes it down with his hands]

Dave and Kevin: One, two, three, four, five, six.

[Dissolve to Kevin lying on the ground and Dave still standing]

Dave and Kevin: fifty-three, fifty-four, fifty-five, fifty-six, fifty-seven.

[Dissolve to both Sizzlers standing although very tired]

Dave and Kevin: ninety-eight, ninety-nine, a hundred! [singing] Yes a hundred, yes a hundred yellow ribbons round the old oak tree!

Kevin: Thank you, I'm Jerry Sizzler and this is my sister-- [once again holds arm in wrong direction]

Dave: Jerry Sizzler!

Kevin: Yes.

Dave: So, where are you FROM?! [holds mic out to now slightly frightened audience]

[Kevin shrieks]

Dave and Kevin: [singing] La, la, la, la, la, la, la...

Kevin: We don't have to know the words; we're stylists!

Dave and Kevin: [singing] La la la la la...

Dave: Well, the time has come for us to mount our donkeys and leave for you are beginning to bore our clearly derranged minds. [points to his head]

Kevin: Wrong!

Dave: Ooh, wrong! [hits himself with mic]

Dave and Kevin: Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Dave: Look who happens to be in the crowd tonight. The famous and wonderful Roy Orbison!

[They run into the audience and grab Scott who protests]

Kevin: Come up on stage; we'll give you a little encouragement.

Dave: Roy, Roy, Roy!

[The audience starts to chant "Roy!" for the rest of the scene]

Kevin: It's working; it's working; it's working!

[They pull Scott on stage and place him in front of the mic]

Kevin: Ladies and gentlemen, the late, the great--

[The Sizzlers hold their arm out towards each other]

Dave and Kevin: Roy Orbison!

[The Sizzlers run off]

Scott: I'm not Roy Orbison. I work at colorization, but I don't agree with it...I'm not...

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video