Mark: The Happy Loner

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[Mark is in a La-Z-Boy with his feet up on a coffee table. The one toe is sticking out of his sock.]

Mark: Hi. My name is George. I'm a loner. Uh, meaning I live alone and I don't have any friends. [applause] No. No, please. No applause, it's not that great a gig. Uh, although lately things have been looking up. Uhh, it all started the other day. . .uh, when I was getting out of bed and I stubbed my toe. Uhh, I didn't really think too much of the time, uh `cause I was drunk. I-I get drunk alone a lot, uh `cause I'm a loner, and I always drink alone! Ha ha. Anywho, anywho, when I got home that night I noticed the toe had all like-a swollen up. . .and uh it seemed sorta bent to one side, and you could tell there was a little bit of pus in there. Uh, now I suppose if I had friends, uhhhhh but I don't, uh they would have said something like, "Hey George! You should go to a hospital, or see a doctor; that looks pretty serious." Uh but, I don't have any friends, and um as it is I'm fascinated by the process here! I mean, a couple of days ago it changed from um redy-purpley to sorta greeny-purpley and uh, the foot started swelling up and then get this, a couple of days ago the whole uh leg went numb, right below the knee. Hey! Check this out! [sticks a fork in leg] I can stick a fork in it and I don't feel a thing! Now *that* is interesting! Am I wrong?! Uh. I don't know, uhhhhhhh I mean maybe I should cut it off. But, I'm not sure.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video