Knocked Unconscious

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Kim H.

Cast:

[Kevin, Scott and Mark are all seated around a conference table.]

Scott: It's a damn fine proposal. But, I have a proposal that I think you might find a better proposal. Not that what you proposed was a bad proposal.

Mark: So you're saying you have a counter proposal?

Scott: Maybe.

Mark: What do you think Danny?

Kevin: Well John...[Kevin tilts backwards in his chair and smacks his head on the wall.]

Mark: Hey, Danny's knocked out!

Scott: Well I vaguely remember from health class that we shouldn't move him.

Mark: Right.

Scott: So I move that we move the meeting to another office.

Mark: Good proposal.

Scott: Okay.

[Caption: 2 Days Later. Kevin wakes up, and shakes his head. He hears the office door open and quickly goes back to leaning against the wall. Dave and a young woman come into the office. Kevin watches out of the corner of his eye.]

Woman: Let's do it here Barry!

Dave: Right here?

Woman: This is the perfect place, no one will know! That guy's been out cold for days! He won't tell anyone. [Kevin shakes his head.] Come on, prove you love me?

Dave: I don't know.

Woman: Come on...Should I take everything off? It's up to you. [Begins unbuttoning her shirt.]

[Kevin nods his head enthusiastically.]

Kevin (V.O): Gee I don't know, that's a tough one...Take it off, take it off, take it off! Come on kid, make the right choice, make the naked choice!

Dave: No. Not here. It's not right. It's wrong. It's just wrong!

[Dave runs out of the office.]

Woman: Barry? Barry! [chases after him.]

Kevin:[slams his hands on the table and gets up.] Kids today! Bunch of hairless cowards! When I was their age nudity was number one, and then it was warmth, shelter and food. [Hears a whistle blow and quickly resumes his former position in the chair.]

[Scott enters with a bunch of women in athletics jackets.]

Scott: Okay girls, we'll change for the big game in here because the lights are out in the stadium dressing room. Let's move it! [Kevin makes celebrating gestures and faces.] But don't worry, this guys been out cold for two days so he won't trouble you. [Kevin holds up two fingers.] I'll just stand outside for a couple minutes so let's do it quickly! [Blows whistle.] You too Rossi, out of my way, out of my way!

Kevin (V.O): Come on girls, start changing. You got a big game ahead of you. Start changing, do it, do it, do it! I love basketball...I love nudity. Do it!

Scott: [Enters] Okay girls, start not changing, the lights are back on so you can change back there. [Kevin looks disappointed.] Come on, let's move it. Let's see that (?) Sparrow spirit!

Girls: Yay!

Scott: Come on, move it, move it, move it, move it, move it! Let's show Thunder Bay who's boss! [All exit.]

Kevin: [sits up.] Great! So close yet so far, I couldn't be happier. I hate basketball. All-Star Cricket's more exciting. [Leans back against the wall again and closes his eyes.]

[Bruce enters as the janitor. He begins mopping. He notices Kevin supposedly passed out and drops the mop handle. As classical music begins to play, Bruce starts dancing.]

Kevin (V.O): No, no, no! Well this is great, my day is now perfect, no, no not the pants, not the pants! Here come the pants, no...!

[Cut to Bruce lowering his pants and continuing to dance.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video