Kevin Sleeping

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Kevin: Hi. I'm Kevin McDonald of The Kids In The Hall, or as some of you like to call me--"The Kid In The Hall We Don't Like." That's okay, I realize I'm the least popular Kid. But how can I blame you for making poor judgments if I don't present you with all the facts. Hey! If I want you to like me, I have to make the effort. I realize you're busy doing. . .whatever it is people without a TV show do.

So, I'm gonna reveal a little bit of *me* to *you*. I am gonna show you how I sleep.

[Kevin turns to face the screen behind him. The camera closes in on the "film presentation" of Kevin sleeping.]

[Narrating the footage: ] Ah, this is my bed. [Kevin is entering his room, walking around the bed and laying down.] Uh, this, of course, is me at night. And, you are about to witness how I sleep. [Kevin has turned of the light and is tucked in.] If you look at me very closely you can see my eyes moving rapidly. [They are.] At this point, I'm dreaming. . .about food.

[Kevin speaking in his sleep, on the tape: ] Of course I love you Steve. Do you have to put your shirt back on?

[Cut to "live" Kevin.] I'm told by many leading psychiatrists that most men have homosexual dreams and it doesn't *necessarily* mean they're homosexuals. I like the ladies! And the ladies in your town are the most beautiful ladies in the world! Am I right guys? Okay! Back to me sleeping.

[Cut to footage. Kevin isn't in the room. The sound of him peeing can be heard. Narrating: ] What goes on? [Kevin re-enters the room.] Ah. I, uh, I usually flush; but, I'm getting more conscious environmentally. So, last night I peed in the blue box. [Kevin is back in bed; sleeping.] Do you like me yet? Are you learning about me yet? I've gotta just shut up and let you watch. Enjoy! [Kevin's drooling.] Enjoy! Oops!

[Cut to "live" Kevin.] I find the other Kids In The Hall come across a little sexier than I do; but I've always felt I've never been lit right. Well, last night I finally found the right lighting system to bring out my inner sexiness to you.

[Cut to footage. Kevin's at the refrigerator. He opens up a jar of pickles. Narrating: ] Hmm. [He bites off a bit of the pickle and then catches his reflection on the toaster.] Hey good lookin'! Whatcha got cookin' sir? [He holds the pickle in his mouth. . .and admires himself, while fluffing his hair and posing a bit.] Sexiness, that's what! [Freeze frame of Kevin in the toaster, and the camera pans back to include the "live" Kevin in the shot. A curtain draws across the screen behind him.]

Well, I hope you understand me a little bit better now that you've seen how I sleep. And, I think you'll find me a little more attractive with my new lighting system. [An open fridge is being rolled in by a stagehand.] Hey! Speak of the devil! [He kneels down beside it.] Yep! I'm sure the cards and letters will come pouring in now!

Stagehand: They already have. You got a letter.

[He hands Kevin a business-size envelope.]

Kevin: Gee, thanks Smoky. Hey, it's from my old school--Humber College. I'm gonna use this lighting system a lot from now on. [reading it: ] "Dear Mr. McDonald, this letter is in reference to the five-thousand dollar student loan you still owe us." Wow--my first fan. . .and she goes to college.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video