Child Molester's Jam

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Characters: [close up of hands shaking]

[screen flashes as if a camera went off]

Mark: Barney Grimaldi, good to see ya, thanks for coming out.

[cut to Mark hi-fiving an old guy]

[screen flashes]

Mark: [talking to two guys] It's not a good policy, it's a policy my party opposed, it's a policy that we intend to reverse when we're elected in the fall. Yeah.

[screen flashes]

Mark: [giving a blue ribbon to a little boy] And I think we all know how important reading is, don't we?

[screen flashes]

[close up of jars of jam]

Mark: [tasting first jar of jam] Mmm, mmm, mmm.

[close up of woman, looking on expectantly]

Mark: [tasting another jar of jam] Mmmm, mmmm, mmm [offers a taste to woman standing behind him, then takes it away and tastes it himself] Mmmmm, mmm, mmmm, mmmm.

[Mark walks to podium, and Scott stands behind him]

Mark: Well ladies and gentlemen, it's been an honor to come out to the fair grounds today and serve as the judge in the jam-tasting contest. I thought all the jams were excellent, superb [Scott claps], and I think we should give a hand for all our contestants. [Everyone claps] But if I have to make up my mind, and as a politician I hate to do that [everyone laughs] - I just hate to make up my mind because I'm a politician [everyone laughs again] - I'm so damn indecisive as a politician [cut to audience standing silently], then I'll come straight to the point. I thought all the jams were excellent, but if I have to make up my mind and I do, I thought number eight had a tiny little edge there.

[audience gasps]

Mark: [Aside, to Scott] What's going on?

Scott: I don't know sir.

Woman: You chose a child molester's jam!

[audience parts to reveal Kevin, handcuffed, in a prison uniform. He clasps his hands and raises them in victory, with a goofy grin.]

[cut to Mark at podium, with Scott behind him grinning broadly]

Mark: Well, that's pretty ironic, I think, considering my heartfelt opposition to child molesters and their craft. I think that's ironic...does anyone else...see... [aside to Scott] Jack, how did a child molester get within 500 miles of my campaign?

Scott: [still grinning] He's on a day pass. He makes jam as part of his rehabilitation.

Mark: You knew and you didn't tell me?!

Scott: [grinning] Oops!

[Kevin walks up behind Mark and bumps into him]

Mark: Oh, sorr... [gasps]

[screen flashes]

[black and white picture appears, with Kevin proudly shaking Mark's hand, while Mark, shrinks away, looking towards the audience, shaken]

[on-screen: 20 Years Later]

[pan to a couple of old men sitting on planks of wood, against a blue wall]

"Mark": [looking at an old, yellowed newspaper] I'm telling you you shoulda told me he was in the competition! It was your job to let me know. And now it's been 20 years. I hate to keep belaboring the point, but you shoulda told me!

"Scott": [struggling with a brown bag] Bah, it was just bad luck. [inhales from bag] Have some glue.

"Mark": I gotta work on my comeback!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video