The Heavy Pen

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Dave: [indifferently] Alright people. People. People, can we quiet down please. Alright, we all know why we're here and I assume you're all as excited as am I. We're here, of course, for the reading of Thomas Piper's new novel. Now this is his second novel, and his first in ten years--his first novel, of course, being "The Grains of Sands of Time of Destiny"--a novel which turned the literary world, literally, on it's ear. Hmm, that was very very similar to a joke; I wonder how that got in my brain. Anyway, let's welcome Mr. Thomas Piper, please.

Kevin: Thank you. I'm sure it comes to no surprise to anyone that following the success of my first novel, I fell victim to what is commonly referred to as a "writer's block." Now there are two ways one can deal with this condition. One--ignore it, forget it, it's over, stop writing. Two--write through it. I chose to do the latter, because writers write. I'm a writer. I would now like to read to you from my novel. It is semi-autobiographical based on my experiences over the past ten years in trying to write this novel. "The Heavy Pen."

[reading from book:] "Chapter One. The Night fell like, uhhh, uhh, oohh, let's see, like umm-umm, umm, umm, ooooooo. . . [turns page] . . .oooooo. Oh, the night can fall so many ways. Well, umm. Well, um. I know. Write whatcha know. Write whatcha know. What do you know? What do I know? I don't know anything. Oh! Lunchtime! Chapter Two. Umm, umm, umm. C'mon, c'mon. Umm, umm. You're the writer. . ."


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video