Head Crusher in Physical Therapy

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
Cast: [Outside a graffiti-stained building. Bruce is hanging out with three other guys]

Bruce: So I didn't like the record he's playing, right? So what am I gonna do, but Sock him! So I sock him and he's giving me that look, so I rocked him one, and then I rocked him again...

Mark: [Heard offscreen] OK boys, summer's over, time to punch in! I'm crushing your head, I'm cruching your head! I'm cruching *your* head. Crush, crush.

[Thug dude notices that his head is being crushed.]

Thug: Hey! What are you looking at?

Bruce: Yeah...

[The four thugs come over and Mark keeps crushing very apathetically. The thug grabs Mark's hand.]

Thug: What's that you said about my head?

Mark: [scared] I said it was flat.

Another Thug: What did you mean by that?

Mark: Nothing...

Thug: You're a menace.

[The thugs start laughing as does Mark, although nervously. Then the thug snaps Mark's hand back and a crack is heard.]

[Mark screams and the thugs find this very amusing.]

[A hospital. Violin music and crying is heard. Kevin wheels Mark around the corner in a wheel chair. Mark has a cast to the shoulder and two braces on his crushing fingers.]

[Kevin is mumbling stuff to keep Mark quiet.]

Mark: I'll never crush again...

Kevin: I'm serious stop crying.

Mark: I want more dimedab.

Kevin: You mean Demerol?

Mark: Yes...

Kevin: You say dimedab again I'll hit you.

Mark: Take me to the morgue I'm useless. You hate me!

[Kevin wheels Mark into a hospital where Scott is sitting at a desk waiting for him.]

Scott: Thank you orderly, that will be all.

[Kevin leaves.]

Scott: I'm Miss Unloop. We'll be working together. And how are we today?

[Mark just cries louder.]

Scott: Mr. Tiscic, are we a little depressed?

Mark: Please...shoot me!

Scott: Oh no, Mr. Tiscic! We don't shoot people here. This is rehab.

Mark: It's hopeless.

Scott: [gets up] I'm wannna try something. Mr. Tiscic, I want you to repeat after me. You can do it!

Mark: *You* can do it.

Scott: No...*I* can do it.

Mark: I *can't* do it.

Scott: Drop the "T"; I can do it.

Mark: I can't do it.

Scott: No, drop the "T" I can do it.

Mark: I can't do it.

Scott: Drop the "T"; I can do it.

Mark: I cannnnnnn....

Scott: Drop the "T"

Mark: ...do it.

Scott: I can do it.

[Scott kicks the desk scaring the crap out of Mark.]

Scott: Let's do it!

[Sad violin music is heard. Mark's hands are wallking across a table, only they're limping. Then, they trip and fall over. Miss Unloop just shakes her head at him.]

[A big pile of rubber bands. Pan over to see Mark's hands with a little rubber band around them, struggling to stretch.]

[Mark's finger trying to Karate chop a pencil in half to no avail.]

[Mark's finger trying to dial a rotary phone, but then shakes and gives up.]

[Mark's hand at the edge of a tray full of ice and water. He "tests" the water.]

Scott: Into the pool.

Mark: No...

Scott: And into the pool.

Mark: No, it's too cold!

Scott: I want to show you something.

Mark: What?

[She slaps him. Mark's hand jumps right into the pool.]

Scott: Good! See, easy, wasn't it? And into the pool.

[Scott's hand goes in too.]

[Opera music starts playing, it gets more and more happy sounding at it goes on.]

[Mark's fingers with two rubber bands around them, having no problem stretching.]

[Mark's finger dialing a rotary phone with no problem.]

[Mark's finger karate chopping a pencil in half]

[Mark's fingers jumping hurdles and when he jumps the last one, they start flying. Scott folowes them with his/her eyes.]

[Mark is standing in front of Nurse Unloop's desk.]

Scott: Try.

[Mark slowly picks his hand up.]

Scott: Try.

[His hand is shaking. He starts mumbling.]

Scott: Do it!

[Mark crushes his head and then looks at his hands. They both start laughing for way too long. When the laughter dies down Mark kisses Scott.]

[Fade to the four thugs outside the same place. Western showdown music is playing. Mark gazes at them intently, getting his fingers ready.]

Mark: Hey tough guys! You three! Move away from him. I've no quarrel with you I just want to get even with the lanky yo-yo boy.

[Bruce and the other two thugs step back.]

Mark: [laughs] I'm crushing your head! I'm cruching your head! I'm cruching your head! You're a flathead! [Lifts up his fingers and blows them.]

[Mark picks up his lawn chair and kinda saunters off...although it looks like he's wiggling.]

Thug: That's him again!

[Mark walks faster.]

Thug: Let's get him. Stop him!

[Mark drops his chair and starts running. The thugs run after him.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video