The Governor and the Hooker

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Andrew Greenberg
Cast: [Shot of Architectural Digest cover with the picture of Paul Cherry and his demon. The magazine is being read by Dave.]

Dave: Governor? Are you okay in there, Governor? You've been in there for a while.

[Flush sound, door opens, Kevin comes through holding glass of foamy liquid and rubbing his stomach.]

Dave: You all right?

Kevin: What? Oh yeah, yeah. Maybe I should just pay you now, we'll call it a night. [at window look through blinds.]

Dave: Oh, what's wrong?

Kevin: I got the trots. Nervous stomach. I always get this way a couple days before election and I'm a little down in the polls.

Dave: Oh, well I'm gonna vote for ya.

Kevin: Thanks, I got the hooker vote. Doomed doomed doomed doomed.

Dave: Oh come on. Come back to bed. I'll make you forget your troubles.

Kevin: Yeah.

Dave: You want me to pretend to be your wife again?

Kevin: No.

Dave: Want me to pretend to be a Democrat again?

Kevin: No but thank you.

Dave: Come sit down. I know how you feel. Come on, sit. I'm gona tell you a little story, ok? You know, when I was just a little girl all the other boys and girls would make fun of me because I was dif-fer-ent [said oddly]. Well, one day on the way to school the other boys they were like playing a game, throwing snowballs at me when one of the snowballs turned out to be a brick. Well, when I awoke a few hours later in hospital with a slight concussion the most extraordinary thing happened.

Kevin: Let me guess. Let me guess. People you thought didn't even know you existed came to your aid. Am I right?

Dave: No, that would have been nice. What actually happened was someone threw another brick through the hopstial window with a note saying they were gonna finish the job. But it was there and then that I decided to become a nurse.

Kevin: But you're not a nurse.

Dave: Oh, no. Do you know what a nurse gets paid? ooo.

Kevin: Heh heh. Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh. Oh ho ho. Oh ho. Oh nurse! Nurse! I'm feeling a certain pain in this area! [uses hands to indicate...] Perhaps, I need a checkup?

Dave: But I just told you I'm not a -- Oh, I get it. ok. Just a second. Let me change.

[Mark is off in some secret room hid behind a picture on the wall in the hotel room, taking pictures. Scott is behind him recording the sounds on tape]

Mark: That's it governor. Keep it up. This is great.

[Still of governor on hands and knees on bed. Hooker above him holding something]

[Still of governor holding paddle and wearing a lifevest. Hooker dressed as indian greeting him]

[Still of governor as goalie and hooker as hockey player]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video