Cabbage Head Wants A Date

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: dreambox95
Cast [Kevin and Scott are sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant]

Scott: Kay, you look wonderful.

Kevin: Well, thank you Essie, so do you.

Scott: Now when was the last time I saw you? Geez, uh...

[Mark enters through double doors]

Mark: Hi-i-i!

[They all hug]

Scott: Emily, hi!

Kevin: I can't believe you've cut your hair!

Mark: Well, when I broke up with Tony it seemed like the natural thing to do.

Kevin: You broke up with Tony?

Mark: Oh, didn't you hear?

Scott: No.

Mark: Oh, he went bald, we broke up.

Scott: He went bald? Men are so predictable.

Mark: Oh, and there was more too...he started, uh, wearing a driving cap around the house, and he grew a moustache. At the end he was calling me a man-eater...

Kevin: A man-eater? I don't believe it.

Scott: Well, it's his own fault for being so edible!

[They laugh, when Dave comes up]

Dave: Uh, ladies, these fries were sent to you by the gentleman over there.

[They turn around and look at a man with a confused face and a woman sitting with him]

Dave: Oh, no, not him, the man over there. The one with a...I believe it's a, cabbage for a head.

[He is sitting reading the "New Our Bodies, Ourselves"]

Mark: Oh, we don't want them, could you please send them back?

Dave: He also said that if you sent them back, you could have the cash equivalent.

Scott: Just leave them.

[Bruce starts to walk over]

Mark, Scott, Kevin: Ohhhhh...

Bruce: Well, hello equals. [He is carrying a lawn chair with a pillow attached to the bottom, and his cigar] Is this chair taken?

[Assorted Whats? Huh?]

Bruce: Oh, I guess it can't be, I brought it from home. So, ladies... I see you got the french fries. I'm sensitive to a modern woman's needs.

Kevin: I'm sorry, I can't eat them, they go straight to my hips.

Bruce: Yeah, so will I.

[Scott and Mark look skeptically at each other]

Bruce: I don't mean this to sound like a come-on line, but does anyone here want to have sex?

Mark, Scott, Kevin: Excuse me? I beg your pardon? Okay...

Bruce: Can you believe guys used to use lines like that? Before women's lib?

Mark, Scott, Kevin: Women's Lib?

Bruce: Yeah, the movement.

Mark: Hey, uh, we're just trying to have a little reunion, just us old friends, okay?

Bruce: Oh. It's my cabbage head, isn't it? This bothers me: if a guy has an English accent, you're all wet; you're a lake. But if a guy has a little green on his head, you puke. THAT'S sexual discrimination.

Mark: That's not it at all, all right?

Scott: Yes, so will you just leave?

Kevin: Yes, please?

Bruce: Okay, I'll go. Buhu, buhuhuhu. [Looks at Kevin] Oh, I just remembered, when I was a kid, I ordered some sea monkeys to love me, and they...never arrived.

Kevin: Yeah, and?

Bruce: Therefore I had a bad childhood, comprendez-vous?

Kevin: Yeah, who didn't? That's how childhoods work.

Bruce: Wow, she's good.

[Goes over to Scott]

Bruce: So-

Scott: I'm a lesbian.

Bruce: Can I watch?

Scott: [deadly serious] No.

Bruce: Strike two. [Moves to Mark] So, Cinderella...

Mark: So whattaya got?

Bruce: Er, I've got a boogie van..

Mark: No-no-no-no-no. I mean down below, what are you packing?

Scott: Emily, girl, come on...

Mark: Come on, huh? Tell me when to stop...

[Mark starts moving fingers close together, while Bruce has a panicked look on his face.]

Mark: Oh, look not even average. [keeps going] Oh, this isn't funny anymore...[as fingers are less than an inch apart]

Bruce: No, honesty's important...

Mark: No.

Bruce: There, stop! It's not a cucumber, it's a gherkin. I'm so embarrassed. Buhu, buhu.

Kevin: There, there, it's not so bad...

Mark: Yeah, there are other ways to judge men, you know.

Bruce: Like what's in their...Cabbage head?

Mark: Yes.

Bruce: Is it possible to stay, and listen to you, fine foxes get drunk?

[The three groan]

[Bruce starts whining, and moving his fingers like how Mark was to show size]

Mark, Scott, Kevin: All right.

Bruce: [picks up book again] Now, tell me about those other ways to please a woman: cunnigulus, [unintellegible, but more terms of that sort]

[All start throwing fries at him]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video