Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast
Transcribed by: dreambox95
[Kevin and Scott are sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant]
- Bruce- Cabbage Head
- Kevin- Kay
- Scott- Essie
- Mark- Emily
- Dave- Waiter
Scott: Kay, you look wonderful.
Kevin: Well, thank you Essie, so do you.
Scott: Now when was the last time I saw you? Geez, uh...
[Mark enters through double doors]
[They all hug]
Scott: Emily, hi!
Kevin: I can't believe you've cut your hair!
Mark: Well, when I broke up with Tony it seemed like the natural thing to do.
Kevin: You broke up with Tony?
Mark: Oh, didn't you hear?
Mark: Oh, he went bald, we broke up.
Scott: He went bald? Men are so predictable.
Mark: Oh, and there was more too...he started, uh, wearing a driving cap around the house, and he grew a moustache. At the end he was calling me a man-eater...
Kevin: A man-eater? I don't believe it.
Scott: Well, it's his own fault for being so edible!
[They laugh, when Dave comes up]
Dave: Uh, ladies, these fries were sent to you by the gentleman over there.
[They turn around and look at a man with a confused face and a woman sitting with him]
Dave: Oh, no, not him, the man over there. The one with a...I believe it's a, cabbage for a head.
[He is sitting reading the "New Our Bodies, Ourselves"]
Mark: Oh, we don't want them, could you please send them back?
Dave: He also said that if you sent them back, you could have the cash equivalent.
Scott: Just leave them.
[Bruce starts to walk over]
Mark, Scott, Kevin: Ohhhhh...
Bruce: Well, hello equals. [He is carrying a lawn chair with a pillow attached to the bottom, and his cigar] Is this chair taken?
[Assorted Whats? Huh?]
Bruce: Oh, I guess it can't be, I brought it from home. So, ladies... I see you got the french fries. I'm sensitive to a modern woman's needs.
Kevin: I'm sorry, I can't eat them, they go straight to my hips.
Bruce: Yeah, so will I.
[Scott and Mark look skeptically at each other]
Bruce: I don't mean this to sound like a come-on line, but does anyone here want to have sex?
Mark, Scott, Kevin: Excuse me? I beg your pardon? Okay...
Bruce: Can you believe guys used to use lines like that? Before women's lib?
Mark, Scott, Kevin: Women's Lib?
Bruce: Yeah, the movement.
Mark: Hey, uh, we're just trying to have a little reunion, just us old friends, okay?
Bruce: Oh. It's my cabbage head, isn't it? This bothers me: if a guy has an English accent, you're all wet; you're a lake. But if a guy has a little green on his head, you puke. THAT'S sexual discrimination.
Mark: That's not it at all, all right?
Scott: Yes, so will you just leave?
Kevin: Yes, please?
Bruce: Okay, I'll go. Buhu, buhuhuhu. [Looks at Kevin] Oh, I just remembered, when I was a kid, I ordered some sea monkeys to love me, and they...never arrived.
Kevin: Yeah, and?
Bruce: Therefore I had a bad childhood, comprendez-vous?
Kevin: Yeah, who didn't? That's how childhoods work.
Bruce: Wow, she's good.
[Goes over to Scott]
Scott: I'm a lesbian.
Bruce: Can I watch?
Scott: [deadly serious] No.
Bruce: Strike two. [Moves to Mark] So, Cinderella...
Mark: So whattaya got?
Bruce: Er, I've got a boogie van..
Mark: No-no-no-no-no. I mean down below, what are you packing?
Scott: Emily, girl, come on...
Mark: Come on, huh? Tell me when to stop...
[Mark starts moving fingers close together, while Bruce has a panicked look on his face.]
Mark: Oh, look not even average. [keeps going] Oh, this isn't funny anymore...[as fingers are less than an inch apart]
Bruce: No, honesty's important...
Bruce: There, stop! It's not a cucumber, it's a gherkin. I'm so embarrassed. Buhu, buhu.
Kevin: There, there, it's not so bad...
Mark: Yeah, there are other ways to judge men, you know.
Bruce: Like what's in their...Cabbage head?
Bruce: Is it possible to stay, and listen to you, fine foxes get drunk?
[The three groan]
[Bruce starts whining, and moving his fingers like how Mark was to show size]
Mark, Scott, Kevin: All right.
Bruce: [picks up book again] Now, tell me about those other ways to please a woman: cunnigulus, [unintellegible, but more terms of that sort]
[All start throwing fries at him]