Gavin Pestering Mom

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[Mark, as Gavin's mom, is standing at the kitchen counter, talking on the phone and stirring batter for chocolate chip cookies.]

Mark: For God's sake, Marnie, calm down, will you? Listen - will you do yourself a favor and get yourself a bit of a drink? Okay? Thank you.

[Mark picks up a bottle and glass and pours himself a drink. He raises the glass near his mouth as he speaks, then puts it back on the counter without drinking.]

Mark: And l-listen, for God's sake, have a cigarette.

[Mark picks up a cigarette, puts it in his mouth, and lights it. He takes one drag, then holds the cigarette in his hand for the rest of the sketch.]

Mark: Yeah, mm-hmm? Mmm. But listen, hon, I can't understand you, your words are all melting together.

Bruce: Mom.

Mark: [on the phone] So is Hank alright?

Bruce: [more insistent] Mom!

Mark: Yeah, just one - had he been drinking? He had.

Bruce: Mom!

Mark: Wha- drunk on a forklift, get out of here, Marnie!

Bruce: Mom!

Mark: Hang on a second - [holding the phone aside] yes, Gavin?

Bruce: Are you on the phone?

Mark: Yes, I am.

Bruce: Oh, alright. Then therefore, may I have some chocolate chips?

Mark: No, you cannot. Alright?

Bruce: Alright.

Mark: Okay. [into the phone] Hi- yeah, I'm back. Listen, did he get fired because he was drunk, or was he drunk because he got fired? I don't understand.

Bruce: Mom!

Mark: [into the phone] Hang on [holds the phone aside and looks at Bruce expectantly].

Bruce: Did the school nurse call?

Mark: What?

Bruce: Because today at school, the school nurse took a sample from my ear, and she didn't like what she saw. And she said that, I need some chocolate chips.

Mark: Gavin, I'm on the phone.

Bruce: Alright.

Mark: Thank you.

Bruce: Alright.

Mark: [into the phone] Alright, now listen, did they charge him? Well no - look on the paper, it'll say.

Bruce: Mom!

Mark: [into the phone] Yeah - hang on [holds the phone aside, looking at Bruce expectantly].

Bruce: This kid at school, Raymond Snepts, the guy I told you about many times? D'you know what happened when he went away to the Soviet Union and was supposed to come back? He didn't. And d'you know who was in his desk? Another kid. And when they called out his name, when they called out "Raymond Snepts" at roll call, this new kid put up his hand. Scary, eh?

Mark: [holding up the phone] Gavin, what's this?

Bruce: A phone.

Mark: And what am I doing?

Bruce: You are talking.

Mark: Therefore I am?

Bruce: Talking on the phone.

Mark: Thank you [holding the phone back to his ear].

Bruce: Mom, in France, kids are drunk.

[Mark holds the phone aside and looks at Bruce.]

Bruce: Mom, it's true, in France, every kid is forced to drink a bottle of wine with every meal, and also they just stare off because, because, there are no TV sets there. So logically, some chips might be a very fine thing -

Mark: Gavin, you cannot have any chips, they are for baking, alright?

Bruce: Alright.

[Bruce walks over to the fish tank and crouches in front of it.]

Mark: Thank you. [into the phone] Alright, go on, Marnie.

Bruce: Then can the fish have some chips?

Mark: [into the phone] Alright, say again, Marnie?

Bruce: Well, look Mom, if you care to, they're swimming very sadly.

Mark: [into the phone] Well, Marnie - listen, do yourself a favor and have another drink, okay?

[Bruce reaches into the fish tank.]

Mark: [into the phone] Would you do that? Alright. [holding the phone aside] Gavin, are you playing with the fish?

Bruce: No.

[Bruce grabs one of the fish.]

Mark: Gavin, is that a fish in your hand?

Bruce: No.

[Bruce puts the fish in his mouth.]

Mark: Ga-Gavin, did you just put that fish in your mouth?

[Mark sets the phone down on the counter and walks over to Bruce. Bruce swallows the fish.]

Mark: Did you just swallow that fish?

Bruce: No Mom, he swam his way inside me.

[Cut to a brief shot of the fish inside Bruce's stomach, swimming around.]

Mark: [yelling back over his shoulder] Marnie, I'll have to call you back, Gavin ate a fish. [to Bruce, yelling] Whatever possessed you to eat a fish? Alright, listen, you are going straight upstairs, and you are gonna sit on that toilet until that fish swims out!

Bruce: Will you come with me?

Mark: [sighing] Alright.

Bruce: Good, then I can dye your hair, right?

Mark: No, no you - alright.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video