Freak Show

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Scott: Come one, come all. Come see the world's scariest freaks. Thrill to the might by the four-armed man. "Ooh" in wonder at the the eggs of the Chicken Lady. Accidental step on the world's shortest man. Give a perm to world's hairiest guy. Come see this and many more freaks, if you dare!! Ha ha ha. . .

[inside. Dave and Bruce are kids eating ice pops and Kevin is the Nosebleeder eating a sandwich in front of his cage. There is a sign that labels him as "The Man Whose Nose Bleeds at Will."]

Dave: C'mon.

Bruce: Okay, start your nose bleeding.

Dave: Yeah, make your nose bleed, huh.

Kevin: No.

Dave: You have to, you're a freak.

Kevin: I don't have to do anything, thank you very much.

Dave: Oh, come on. We came all the way in from the country for this.

Bruce: Yeah, we made our Uncle Tony drive us in a truck to see the nosebleeder.

Dave: Yeah, so make it bleed.

Kevin: I don't care; I'm on my lunch break. [waves sandwich in front of them.]

Dave: Wow, what a bad freak show.

Bruce: It is so lame.

Dave: Rotten.

Kevin: Look kids, you're not going to guilt me into nosebleeding for you. If you're not enjoying yourselves at the freak show, it's not my responsibility. My only responsibility is to myself--to make sure I'm a healthy, functioning person who doesn't live in a state of denial.

Dave and Bruce: What? What?

Kevin: Listen up kids, maybe you'll learn a thing or two. There are three steps to a good life. One--live and let live. Two--live one day at a time. And three--I am number one. You see, I've done some pretty good nosebleeding today and right now I'm on my lunch break. To nosebleed for you now would be denying my rights as an individual.

Bruce: I bet you can't even make your nose bleed.

Dave: Yeah, I bet that's it.

Bruce: Yeah.

Dave: I bet you're a fraudulent freak; that's what you are. I'll call the Better Business Bureau, freak.

Kevin: Oh, c'mon kids, is that a frontal attack on my vanity? "Oh no, they don't believe I can nosebleed. Well I'll show them. I'll bleed and bleed and bleed."

Dave and Bruce: Yay!!

Dave: It's about time.

Kevin: No! No! Look, I don't have to impress anyone anymore. Oh sure, when I was young and I was desperate to make friends, I'd nosebleed at the drop of a hat. But now I accept myself for what I am--a 30ish bachelor whose interests include model airplanes and pottery, and whose *profession* is nosebleeding. And if you can't accept that then I'm afraid your friendship isn't needed here.

Dave: Friendship?!

[Bruce giggles]

Dave: Who wants to be your friend? You're a freak!

Kevin: Piss off! Just piss off.

Bruce: You're the most bitter man I've ever met.

Dave: Yeah.

Kevin: No, I'm the happiest.

Dave: No, you're sad and bitter.

Kevin: No, as a matter of fact I'm happy and joyous if you want to know the truth.

Bruce: You're pathetic. You're a pathetic freak who sleeps in his own filth in a cage.


Kevin: [lunges at them, upset. His nose starts to bleed heavily] Oh great! Oh great. Nothing like a major dose of stress to get my nosebleeding, right on my new mandarin jacket. Thanks! Thanks--

Dave: That's not so hot.

Kevin: Get out of here. Go see the Chicken Lady. You'll like her. She's an emotional dependent who has to please anybody she happens to be with. Go watch her lay her eggs.

[cut to Bruce and Dave in front of Mark's cage.]

Mark: [trying to lay egg] Ahh!!

Bruce: Are you going to to it or not?

Mark: I can do it, I-I-I can do it.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video