One of These Five Men. . .

Transcribed from: Comedy Central with captions on
Transcribed by:
[Kevin, Scott, Dave, Bruce, and Mark are seated on stools, each under a hanging light on an empty stage. Bruce has glasses on.]

[Dramatic music]

Voice-Over: One of these five men has something interesting to say. [camera pans by each one. When it gets to Bruce, he takes of the glasses and passes them Mark who then puts them on.] One of these five men has something interesting to say. That's right, one of these five men, assembled here, has something interesting to say. Why tomorrow at work you'll say, "Hey I heard something interesting last night. Yeah, one of those five men said it." Oh, c'mon, one of the five men must have something interesting to say, I mean, what are the odds--there's five of them. I don't think it's fair to leave me hanging like this. For God's sake, I'm only a Voice-over; I can't even run away, I have no legs. And that's something I have to live with everyday of my life. Okay, fine. Fine! None of these five men has anything interesting to say! Nothing whatever! Okay. What do I care? I can always do game shows. It's good money! Well, what do you do that's so precious? How do you serve mankind, huh? [Mark gets up with his hand raised, to say something] Oh! It's too late. Fuck off!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video