Getting Fired

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Laura Cihocki
Cast- [Close-up of a TV screen titled "TODAY'S TEMPERATURES" and showing weather reports for various cities--New York, Pittsburgh, Tampa, Montreal, Washington, Toronto. Camera moves back so that we see Scott sitting at the table in the Wilsons' kitchen, watching the TV.]

Scott: Oh, my! Thirty-five degrees in Tampa Bay! Sheez! [Bruce enters through the front door] Oh, hi! Hi, Gordon! You know what? It's thirty-five degrees in Tampa!

Bruce: I got a little news as well.

Scott: Oh, really? [Turns off the TV]

Bruce: I was fired today. [Takes a can from the fridge and opens it]

Scott: Oh! Fr--from work?

Bruce: Yes, that's where men usually get fired from, Fran.

Scott: Oh, what'd you do? Chase some customers out of the store with a lamp?

Bruce: I went crazy, I...I put cheese in my coffee.

[Sits down at the table.]

Scott: What? They fired you for putting cheese in your coffee?

Bruce: Well, that was after I called McNeill a buttock-smoocher.

Scott: Oh!

Bruce: And I sort of...acted it out. [Makes smooching faces]

Scott: Oh, Gordon, why? You know, why? Oh, anyways, don't worry. [Takes Bruce's arm] You know, you may have lost the job, but we are in this together. Mm-hm!

Bruce: Together, really?

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: Well, how come I blame you? [Gets up]

Scott: Me?

Bruce: Yeah. That lunch you packed me, it was so horrible, made me wig out. I went crazy! I went all wiggy, Fran!

Scott: [Whimpers] It was a perfectly good lunch.

Bruce: Soup in a bag, Fran? Soup in a bag? A man works all morning, and he's subjected to soup in a bag?

Scott: Yeah, well, you never bring bowls back!

Bruce: Don't kick me when I'm down, Fran.

Scott: Oh, okay, not to despair, Hon. [Bruce sits again] After all, you and I lived through the depression. [Takes Bruce's arm]

Bruce: Yeah.

Scott: It will be a piece of cake.

Bruce: All right, then, you'll have to get a job.

Scott: Ou--outside the home?

Bruce: That's where people usually find their jobs, Fran.

Scott: [Gets up] Oh-ho, well, haha, that's all right; I'm highly skilled!

Bruce: Uh-huh.

Scott: Yeah, lots that I can do!

Bruce: Right.

Scott: Oh, my God. I suppose I'm gonna have to learn how to operate a computer.

Bruce: Fran, a woman your age? A computer'd eat you alive! Nope, we're gonna have to sell the roof.

Scott: The roof?

Bruce: Well, I don't want to sell the whole house, Fran!

Scott: The house?

Bruce: Okay, we'll sell the house.

Scott: Gordon, no, not the house!

Bruce: Yeah. All because of a bag of soup.

Scott: Ah! Oh, my God, I'm going to lose my home! I'm going to have to say good-bye to my spice rack! [Touches spice rack lovingly] Oh, we'll end up living in a refrigerator box. I'll have to wash my hair in a puddle! We'll have to wear plastic bags on our feet for boots, and we'll get those teeth that street-people have! I'm already starting to itch!

[Dave enters through the front door.]

Dave: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. I'm going to my room; I'll see ya later. [Walks straight across the kitchen and heads out other door.]

Scott: Brian!

Dave: What? What?

Bruce: Get back here!

Scott: Come on, get out here!

Dave: Oh, what?

Scott: Sit down. [Dave sits] Yeah. Your father has an announcement.

Bruce: Brian. It's thirty-five degrees in Tampa Bay, Florida.

Scott: [Hits Bruce] Gordon!

Bruce: Well, it is.

Scott: Your father was fired from work today.

Bruce: [disgusted] Oh, Fran!

Scott: Well.

Dave: Oh. Okay, well, I'm going to my room. See ya later! [Gets up and heads out door]

Scott: Brian! Come on!

Bruce: Brian!

Dave: What?

Bruce: March back here!

Dave: Oh, what? [Comes back]

Scott: Oh, come on, come on. Don't you realize what this means?

Dave: Oh, no! You mean, Dad's gonna be around the house more?

Bruce: Yeah, a lot of quality time on my hands...[Dave sits again] watch you like a hawk, friend!

Dave: Oh!

Scott: [Touches Dave's arm] No. You and I are going to have to get some jobs. Start pulling our weight around here.

Bruce: Yeah, you're gonna look pretty good in a hairnet and a McDonald's hat!

Dave: A hairnet?

Bruce: Yeah, minimum-wage-earner, a hairnet! [Gets up]

Scott: Oh, my God, it's happening already. Just like Lord of the Flies!

Dave: Oh, man, a hairnet!

Scott: Oh, come on! I don't want to listen to this, you selfish little bugger! How about me, hmm? [Bruce starts to pretend he's reeling in a fish on a line] Traipsing around town in one pair of nylons like a war bride!

Dave: Oh, but a hairnet? Come on!

Scott: Yeah? Well, maybe that's where your hair belongs, in a net! [looks at Bruce] Like a fish!

Dave: What?

Scott: Gordon! [Smacks table] Oh! Oh! [Moves to hit Bruce, who jumps up and down with glee] I--oh! [Threatens Bruce with an apple from the table]

Bruce: Ha, ha! Fooled you! I didn't get fired. They'd die without me...and so would you, puppy dog!

[Bruce leans down in Dave's face; Dave turns away]

Scott: You're--[Looks at Dave] Did you see that? [Points at Bruce] That was horrible. That was horrible, Gordon! Not funny, not funny.

Bruce: Not for me; it's kind of fun. See, a man's home is his castle. I just wanted to remind you who was king. [Points to himself with both hands] Bingo-o!

Dave: Well, you can expect a visit from Children's Aid, Dad. [Gets up and leaves]

Bruce: I'm scared!

Scott: You know what that was? That was abuse, pure and simple. Don't be surprised to see Brian and I on one of those daytime talk shows, spilling the beans.

Bruce: Oh, Fran, you're pent-up.

Scott: Oh...

Bruce: Here, why don't you relax, and, uh...pull my finger [Chuckles] Come on, give it a go! [Scott grabs Bruce's finger and holds on] What--well, that's not--Fran, you're hurting me!

Scott: What?

Bruce: Come on, that's not funny!

Scott: [Twisting Bruce's finger] Oh, I'm sorry!

Bruce: Fran, it's not funny!

Scott: Oh, is it? Oh! [Makes a face]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video