Retelling a Complicated Italian Movie

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Laura Cihocki
Cast- [Scene opens in a bar. A man is playing pool. Scott and Dave sit at the bar, eating chicken wings and drinking beer.]

Scott: I saw a great movie last night.

Dave: Oh, yeah?

Scott: Yeah. It stars Francesca Fiore and Bruno Puntz Jones. Bruno Puntz Jones plays this, uh--thanks [he takes a fresh beer from the bartender]--like an this powerful Argentinian general, 'kay? The general falls in love with Bruno Puntz Jones, and they have an affair.

Dave: Mm-hm.

Scott: And then the general's wife finds out, and she tells Francesca Fiore. [He pauses to sip his drink.]

Dave: Who is Francesca Fiore?

Scott: Oh, well, she plays this aging movie star who's having an affair with the general's wife. Oh, and they're also having an affair.

Dave: Who? Francesca Fiore and Bruno Puntz Jones?

Scott: [nodding] And, she's also seeing the senator.

Dave: she's screwing everybody.

Scott: Yeah. There's this incredible scene, where Francesca Fiore confronts Bruno Puntz Jones about the affair.

Dave: Which one?

Scott: Huh?

Dave: Which affair? The affair between Francesca Fiore and the senator's wife, or the affair between, uh, Bruno Puntz Jones and...uh, Francesca Fiore, or the affair between the, uh, general and the senator's--

Scott: [interrupting] I don't know, I don't know. You see, 'cause they only talk in movie metaphors, right? It's all subtext.

Dave: Oh.

[Cut to the balcony of a large house, with a party going on inside. Scott (as Francesca Fiore) is on the balcony, whispering to the general. The general walks away, and Scott stands at the rail. Dave (as Bruno Puntz Jones) approaches, and stands behind Scott, just inside the door. The camera moves in closer.]

Scott: I see this fantastic American movie last night, Bruno Puntz Jones. [Dave lights a cigarette.] It was about these two guys who see movie, ah? And..and one of them, he like this movie very, very much. But the other one, he no see. Or so he say, ah? But I think they both see the same movie, ah? What do you think?

Dave: Ah, Francesca Fiore, you know...uh, you know I don't like American movies. Always the car chase, ah?

Scott: Mm. But you know, I think you would laugh at the part where he mixed [pronounced with two syllables] up the plot.

Dave: But...what do you say?

Scott: I say what I say, ah!

Dave: [with an I-give-up hand gesture] Ah!

[Cut back to the bar.]

Scott: Francesca Fiore's pet alligator gets loose the night of the big party and eats Bruno Puntz Jones.

[Cut back to the party. Close-up of Scott as Francesca Fiore.]

Scott: Bruno Puntz Jones! Don't be eat by alligator, ah? Is bad! I be mad!

[Cut back to the bar.]

Scott: Maybe it was Francesca Fiore who got eaten by the alligator?

[Cut back to the party, and a close-up of Dave as Bruno Puntz Jones.]

Dave: No, no, alligator! Don't eat Francesca Fiore! What, you think is good? Is bad! Ah!

[Cut back to the bar.]

Scott: Oh, there wasn't even an alligator at all; it was a car chase!

[Cut to Scott as F.F. driving a car. Then, cut to Dave as BPJ driving a car. Then, a wider shot shows both of them driving the same car, together; the car has two steering wheels.]

Dave: I hate the car chases.

[Cut back to the bar.]

Dave: Well, what about Bruno and Francesca?

Scott: Oh, this is amazing. She's totally destroyed, right? So she goes down to the beach to have a cigarette and reflect.

[Cut to Scott as F.F. standing on a beach. He lights up. A beach ball hits him on the head and knocks him down. A group of noisy people in bathing suits runs by. Scott stands up and brushes himself off. Cut back to the bar.]

Dave: Wasn't that Spring Break?

Scott: Mm, you're right! But it doesn't matter, because the ending is unbelievable. She--[he sips his beer]--she disguises herself as a man, right, and she goes down to the bar and she gets really drunk. And she's sitting there, and then all of a sudden she hears this song, and...and it reminds her of her girlhood in Uruguay. And it touches her in a place that she thought was dead, and she feels her senses start to stir, and it pulls her up off the bar stool. [Scott stands and begins to dance slowly. The bar patrons clap in slow rhythm to the Spanish music that has started to play.] And she gets up, and she begins to dance. And she's no longer Francesca Fiore but a little flower girl in Uruguay, selling flowers to the tourists. And she dances, and dances [Francesca Fiore's accent begins to creep into Scott's speech], and there is nothing but dance and wiiiiiiiiine. She's just a young girl and everything is nice and everybody loves her...

[Dave, as BPJ, walks into the bar. When the camera looks back at Scott, he has become Francesca Fiore. Scott turns to face Dave/BPJ. The clapping stops. Most of the patrons have become South American characters; one is the general.]

Dave/BPJ: Francesca Fiore.

Scott: Bruno Puntz Jones.

[Dave, wide-eyed, leans over and puts his glass on the bar without moving his gaze from Scott and Dave/BPJ.]

Dave/BPJ: Stop your dancing; you are making a fool of yourself.

Scott: No. [Dave/BPJ backhands her.] Aie!

Dave/BPJ: And say good-bye to your American lover. [He pulls out a gun.]

Scott: What?

[Dave/BPJ shoots Dave, who's still chewing on a chicken wing.]

Scott: No!

Dave: Wow. What a complicated plot!

Scott: Oh, nooooooooooo! [He watches Dave fall backward off his bar stool, holding a chicken wing in one hand and his stomach with the other. He is still chewing.]

Scott: [to Dave/BPJ] They would never kill hero in American movie, ah?

Dave/BPJ: No. With them, it's always the happy ending.

Scott: Yes. Always the football player throw the ball for the big win, ah?

Dave/BPJ: Ah.

Scott: Come. [They dance, smiling.]

Dave/BPJ: Yes. Always the puppy, licking the face.

[They laugh and dance. The bar patrons resume clapping.]

Scott: Bruno, let us go kill ourselves.

Dave/BPJ: Yes, Francesca!

[Camera switches to an overhead shot of the two of them dancing. The view begins to spin as "Francesca" and "Bruno" call out each other's names. The spinning view becomes a drain with water spinning down. The word "fin" appears, then spins down the drain.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video