Food in Moustache

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Devri Richmond
Cast: [Scott and Bruce are in a conference room. Bruce is sitting in a big chair. Scott is pointing at a poster with green lines representing growth in company sales.]

Scott: So, Don, this green line represents our product. And this green line represents the competitor's product. So what we've got here is a case of-

Bruce: Uh-oh.

Scott: Hmm?

Bruce: See, it's kinda hard to read cuz all the lines are green.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: What I would have done is used some different lines, uh… then it would have been a lot easier to read.

Scott: Oh, jeez, you're right. God, jeez, you know Don? That's probably why you're in the big comfy chair, huh?

Bruce: Well, you work hard, Harris, maybe someday you'll have a chair like this too.

Scott: Ah, yeah.

Bruce: [Shows that he has a cucumber in his moustache.] Now, I tell you one thing. When these guys from the east come in, don't even show 'em that graph, they won't understand it.

[Scott makes a gesture that Bruce has something in his moustache.]

Bruce: What you gotta do is just... look 'em straight in the eye, but not... well, would you like a Kleenex?

Scott: Uh, no.

Bruce: Fine. These guys are brass men. They're all brass, but they're not tarnished. They're not stupid, they don't have these thick heads that-

Scott: Don, I hate to interrupt you, but, uh, did you have a cucumber sandwich for lunch?

Bruce: No. I had a cucumber salad a couple of days ago.

Scott: I see, okay, I get it, you see, cuz you got a little tiny piece of food right there on your upper lip.

Bruce: Oh. [Brushes lip, missing it entirely.] Okay. These guys are brass men. They're all brass, but the thing that-

Scott: Don. I hate to interrupt you again, but you missed it.

Bruce: Where?

Scott: Well, the crumb's still there, you see.

Bruce: Oh.

[Laughing, Bruce tries to get it out again, missing it. Scott mumbles something.]

Bruce: There we go. There we go!

Scott: Okay, yeah.

Bruce: Yeah.

Scott: No, still there Don.

Bruce: I didn't get it?

Scott: No.

Bruce: Oh, these moustaches, you know.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: The women love 'em, they go crazy for 'em, but they collect food like a... food place. [Trying to clean moustache again, doesn't work.] There we go.

Scott: It's still there.

Bruce: I didn't get it. Jesus! [He stands. He wipes at moustache, doesn't get it.]

Scott: Yeah. Yeah.

Bruce: Okay, there we go, there we go.

Scott: Yeah, yeah. [Bruce looks up at him.] Fraid not.

Bruce: Yeah. [Bruce is laughing and brushing his moustache hysterically.] These guys from the east, you know! Ahh! [Looks up at Scott.]

Scott: Nope.

[More hysterical moustache brushing. Bruce points down at the floor. Scott comes over to look at it.]

Bruce: Right down there, right down there.

Scott: You got 'er, you got 'er, you got 'er?

Bruce: There it is, right down there.

Scott: Oooh, you got 'er. Oooh yeah.

Bruce: Yeah, I got that- [He looks up at Scott.]

Scott: Still there.

Bruce: Aaaaaah. [He brushes his moustache quickly.] How's that?

Scott: Jeez, Don, you know, you almost got it, then you missed it completely.

[Bruce grabs at his lip, tries to look at it, and paces back and forth.]

Scott: You go it Don?

Bruce: There she is!

Scott: There you go, that's it!

Bruce: There she is!

Scott: Do it Don!

Bruce: There she is!

[Scott is cheering him on, indistinguishably.]

Bruce: [Takes hand away, looks up.] Bingo!

Scott: Yeah, jeez, Don, not quite. Yeah, it's still there.

Bruce: Aaaaaah!

[Scott says something indistinguishable. Bruce walks across he room and has one hand brushing his moustache, and another brushing his left thigh.]

Scott: Don. Don, Don, Don! It's above your waist.

Bruce: What?!

Scott: It's above your waist. It's just a tiny little piece of food right there on your upper lip.

Bruce: Where?

Scott: It's right here, [Motioning.] Don, [He walks over to stand in front of Bruce.] let me show you. It's right, uh, here. [Motioning.] On your upper lip. [Bruce brushes moustache.] Yeah. There we go. [Bruce starts brushing face with the inside of his right arm.] Don. Don. Yeah. No. No.

Bruce: Did I get it?

Scott: No, Don, think of me as a mirror, okay? [Bruce starts brushing all over his face.] Right here, above the lip. Lower, lower. [Bruce sticks a finger in his ear.] No, no, Don. Left, right. No, no, Don, on the face-

[Bruce pulls his finger out of his ear, thrusts it between their faces.]

Bruce: Got it!

Scott: That's not it.

Bruce: Well what's that then?!

Scott: That's somethin' else!

Bruce: Aaaaah!

Scott: [Placing hands on Bruce's shoulders.] Don you're thinkin' about it too much, okay? Let's relax, let's cool out let's start fresh from the beginning as if this never happened.

[They go and sit down.]

Scott: So, what I'm talking about with these green lines is our product and-

[Bruce touches his moustache real quick, holds his hands out, and smiles.]

Bruce: I didn't get it.

Scott: Don, I really want you to get this.

Bruce: Me too.

[Bruce grabs a pile of papers from the table and rubs all over his face. Puts them down.]

Scott: Not even close.

Bruce: [Leaving room.] Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Scott: Go for it Don! [Form outside the room comes the sound of a squeaking faucet, water, squeaking faucet. Bruce comes back, wet.]

Bruce: I got it, right?

Scott: You got it, Don.

Bruce: Yeah that's what I thought. [Bruce sits down and takes off his jacket to reveal a whole slice of pizza stuck to his shirt.] So when these guys get in here, the first thing you gotta know is-

Scott: Don.

Bruce: Yeah?

Scott: You got a little stain on your shirt there.

Bruce: Where?

[Bruce looks all over shirt, brushes his face, gets up and looks at the chair.]

Scott: Right there.

Bruce: Where?

Scott: Right there.

Bruce: I don't see a stain.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video