Evan: Shoe Salesman

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
[Scott is next to a cloth backdrop painting of a car and meter. He takes a quarter and puts it into the meter. It falls to the floor.]

[Cut to inside the shoe store. Bruce is fixing a display of shoes in the middle of the set. Scott enters through the door.]

Scott: Excuse me, do you work here?

Bruce: My answer to you is "yes." I. . .doubt I'd be fixing this display in my spare time. Ha ha.

Scott: [laughs] Yeah.

Bruce: [laughing, then stops] I see you've noticed my name tag; I guess I'm Evan to you now. And, if you had a name tag it would read?

Scott: Paul.

Bruce: So, Paul, why have the Gods brought us together?

Scott: Well, Evan, umm, I'm looking for a pair of shoes.

[Bruce turns to face away from Scott's face, to think. Scott would be looking over Bruce's shoulder.]

Bruce: And how fast are you thinking of going in these shoes?

Scott: Umm, walking speed, I suppose.

Bruce: Yet be able to. . .run, in the case of an emergency?

Scott: Sure, yeah.

Bruce: I understand. Right this way.

[Bruce walks in a circle around the display. Scott follows him. Accompanying music: The "Bellini" whistle theme.]

[Bruce picks up a shoe and the music stops abruptly.]

Bruce: [animated] This might be the shoe you have just described!

Scott: Ooo. Uh, do you have it in a ten?

Bruce: [fake laughter] Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Scott: [confused, laughs along.]

Bruce: Your curiosity pleases me. The fates are our friends this day; this happens to be a ten.

Scott: Great.

Bruce: [Stage whisper volume, yet enthusiastically] Try it on!

Scott: Okay.

[Scott sits down in a chair and starts to put on the shoes. Bruce pulls up the shoe bench and sits down on it.]

Bruce: It is at this point that your old shoes might rather seem pathetic.

Scott: Okay.

Bruce: So, how's the fit?

Scott: Well, seems okay.

Bruce: Seems, Paul? I have been faithful to the things that seem to send my soul soaring in the past: The music, the music that people made; the cultures that made mine seem beige in comparison; the laughter; the sea, always the sea that left me here seemingly to sell my shoes. How's the fit?

Scott: Well, it's a little big. D'you have it in a. . .nine and a half?

Bruce: No.

Scott: Could ya check?

Bruce: No.

[Scott kind of turns to the audience in confusion. . .what should he do?]

Bruce: I see my answer displeases you.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: See, as you are to your body, so am I to my stock. You have no tail?

Scott: [checks behind himself] No.

Bruce: I have no nine and a halves.

Scott: Ah, d'you, do you have it in brown?

Bruce: Brown?

Scott: Uh-huh.

Bruce: I am well stocked in the color of cowards.

Scott: [confused]

Bruce: Then, [slaps his hands on his knees and rises] brown it shall be?

Scott: Yes.

Bruce: [is turned away from Scott] Then I have made a sale?

Scott: It would appear so, Evan.

Bruce: [evil] I sell shoes!

[Audio: thunder clap. Cut to Mark.]

Mark: [evil laughing] And so you always shall!!

[Cut back.]

Bruce: [holding shoe up to his face and grimacing] Thank you Satan!

[Audio: Thunder clap.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video