Scott: English

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Shira
Scott: I speak English. Believe or not, there's a lot of people out there who don't. I find that sad. Why . . . why don't they speak English? Is it `cause they find it too difficult? That's ridiculous -- it's easy. I spoke it my whole life and I never had any problems. Is it because they don't like it? That's ludicrous. It's a great language. Whyyyy . . . Shakespeare's in English . . . barely. Maybe they don't speak it `cause it's not their first language. So? I mean, where were their parents? Why, why did they teach `em a language that nobody speaks?

And, and it's not like they speak just one other language -- no, no, there's tons of `em like Spanish, or German, or check this one out: Hindi. In France, everyone speaks French `cause they think it's cool. Gives `em, gives `em an excuse to smoke.

I was in this country, I don't want to say its name cause I don't want to be called racist, so let me just call `em . . . "they." Anyways, my theory is they don't even understand each other, they just run around jabberin' away in gibberish pretendin' to understand each other just to make you feel like a jerk! You know? This happened to me. I'm in this little store in Holland and I asked the guy behind the counter for razor blades. He looks at me real funny like I'm a fag or somethin' and says, "Donna speakah eenglaize" in this really weird accent. I . . . I don't know what to do, I mean, what's wrong with this clown? So, so, I repeat it real slowly like I would to a dog and then he says it again, "Donna speakah eenglaize." So I don't know what to do, so I reach over the counter, grab the blades and walk out. Uh, what would you do? The guy overreacts, you know, Europeans. Runs after me yelling at me in some weird accent, Hollandaise, I guess, and an old woman in wooden shoes comes clompin' up to see what the problem is. So I tell her to go back to dipping candles or whatever it is they do. She pretends not to understand me. So I hit her. She overreacts. Dies. You know, Europeans.

Voice over: Lights out, _____.

Scott: What did he say? Why doesn't he speak English? See what I'm tellin' ya?

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video