Decorator Demon

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:

Part One

Scott: OK now keep your eyes closed Mr. Cherry.

Kevin: I'm very, very excited.

Scott: OK, now watch the step.

Kevin: OK.

Scott: I think you're really going to love what I've done with your living room.

Kevin: OK.

Scott: OK, now open your eyes and look at this [shows "before" picture of living room].

Kevin: Yes.

Scott: And remember that this is before.

Kevin: OK.

Scott: And this is after [lowers picture to reveal "new" living room]. Huh, well, what do you think eh?

Kevin: Well...I think it's exactly the same. Yeah, it's exactly the same. So what I'm wondering is, why I'm paying you?

Scott: Uh-huh. You don't like it?

Kevin: Oh no. I like it. I like it fine. That's why I kept it this way for 7 years.

Scott: Uh-huh.

Kevin: But when I paid you to change it, I expect you to change it.

Scott: Change, change, change, change. Cherry wants a change. You know there is a change Mr. Cherry, but it's very subtle. It's not a question of *where* you look, it's more a question of *how* you look.

[Scott opens closet door.]

Dave: You are doomed, forsake all hope!

Scott: Huh? Huh?

Kevin: What is it?

Scott: Well, what is it? It's a demon, that's what it is, don't you love it?

Kevin: Well, jeez, I expected something more like...track lighting?

Scott: Track lighting? Track lighting, Mr. Cherry. Oh, we can get you track lighting, I'll just hop in my time machine and set it for 1979.

Kevin: Look, I don't want a demon in my house.

Scott: You don't want a demon.

Kevin: No.

Scott: Is that because it add too much flare? Too much pizazze? Too much colour? Seperates you, Paul Cherry, from the common herd? Mr. Cherry, this demon, as you so disparagingly described it, takes this room and changes it- from a place where one sits, passively watching television to a space where one does battle with the dark forces. AND it's an antique.

Kevin: Oh, an antique.

[Opens Closet]

Dave: Paul Cherry, your head is a boil, you suck worms, I hate your feet.

[Confused Kevin look]

Dave: You don't like?

Kevin: No no. I like. I like fine. Very good. Very good.

Dave: Oh, good. Then red ants shall devour your eyes while snakes constrict your bowels and a burning, flaking rash shall form all over your...

Scott: Pace yourself.

Dave: Gotcha.

Scott: So?

Kevin: Well, what does it eat, live rats?

Scott: Live rats very amusing. No no. It eats fear, pain, anxiety, whatever negative scraps you've got lying around your psyche. Mr. Cherry, how are you doing at work?

Kevin: Oh, don't ask... *mumble, mumble*

Dave: Ummm. Tasty. Ah.

Scott: I think he's going to need a Lifecycle. You know, he really likes you. David, can I call you David?

Kevin: Well, my name is Paul.

Scott: David, Dave...How do you do with the ladies?

[Kevin sobs]

Dave: Waitress, can I have some coffee with this?

Scott: Dave, would you say you're uglier than, let's say, Jack Nicholson?

Kevin: God no.

Scott: Well, yet Jack Nicholson does well with the ladies right?

Kevin: Yeah.

Scott: Why would that be? Because he has a demon.

Kevin: And now I have a demon?

Scott: I don't know, do you?

Kevin: I have a demon!

Scott: Yes! You do.

Kevin: I feel sexy!

[Kevin shakes Dave's hand]

Scott: Let's get a shot of that.

[Picture of Kevin and Dave]

Part Two

[End of show over credits...]

Dave: Are you asleep? Are you sleeping? [AHEM!] Are you asleep?

Kevin: What is it?

Dave: I can't sleep.

Kevin: Well try.

Dave: I tried, I can't.

Kevin: Why don't you watch TV?

Dave: Oh, there's nothing good on TV.

Kevin: Well, read for a while.

Dave: Well, I don't want to read. Let's talk.

Kevin: Well, I don't want to talk. I'm tired.

Dave: Oh come on, talk to me, talk to me.

Kevin: Alright, we'll talk.

Dave: Oh good. Your liver will explode, and your brain will swim in bile and goblins will feast on your buttocks. Your gums will become diseased and ulcerous and your teeth shall turn to glue...glue!

Kevin: Yeah? And?

Dave: Oh, well let's talk about your day then.

Kevin: Well, OK. I went to work and everything seemed normal...

[Dave falls asleep immediately]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video