Cathy/Kathie: De-caf

Transcribed from: HBO
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Scene: The break room at A.T.& Love. We see Cathy/Kathie shaking each other to wake up]

Bruce: It didn't work. I still feel logy!

Scott: Me too, Kathie. I just can't get started this morning, and it's already 11:30.

Bruce: And Friday!

Scott: Oh. Clearly we have no excuse.

Bruce: I know what it is.

Scott: What?

Bruce: It's the time of the month.

Scott: Kathie, our periods? Are you crazy? You know we're both in synch.

Bruce: Not that time of the month... Payday! We haven't been paid in weeks. [a weak Kathie giggle]

Scott: More coffee.

Bruce: I don't know. I've already had six cups.

Scott: Have a seventh.

Bruce: All right.

[Caption: "The morning they switched to De-caf." Enter Mark]

Mark: Morning Cath. Morning Kath.

Bruce/Scott: Morning Tanya!

[Mark opens the refrigerator and looks inside. He falls asleep with his head on a shelf.]

Mark: [snores]

Scott: Oh my God! Tanya! Wake up!

[Scott & Bruce rush over to Mark]

Mark: What?!?

Scott: You fell asleep in the frige!

Mark: Oh, God, what's wrong with me. I can't concentrate this morning.

Scott: You too?

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: That's just like us. I can't even count.

Bruce: I can't lift my arms off the desk.

Mark: What's with me? I can't even flirt.

Bruce/Scott: Oh my God!!!

[Enter Kevin... barley able to walk]

Kevin: Morning. [walking toward the coffee machine]

Other 3: Morning Kim.

Kevin: Make more coffee. Must make more coffee... must make more coffee. [He screams as he reaches into the trash] Oh my God! We've been drinking de-caf!

[Caption: "The morning the coffee was switched to de-caf."]

Other 3: Oh, my God! Let me see that.

Mark: Look she's right.

[Dave enters]

Dave: Morning!

Kevin: Elizabeth. We've been drinking de-caf.

Dave: [completely calm] I know. I switched it.

Other 4: What?

Mark: Are you kidding?

Dave: I thought it made better health sense.

Scott: Elizabeth, very funny, but we need our real coffee.

Other 3: Yeah.

Dave: Well, if you must know, the reason I switched it is that you were making too many mistakes and gossiping too much.

Other 3 (without Scott): Gossip, I don't gossip.

Scott: [over the top] Listen, Bitch, are you for real!

[Caption: "The day Cathy snapped because she was drinking De-caf." Everyone stares at her in amazement. Scott is terrified.]

Dave: Yes, Cathy, I am for real. And I intend on staying very real. So, why don't you clean out your work station seeing that you're fired!

Scott: Fine.

Dave: Fine.

Scott: And get my holding pay ready. And don't try to cheat me... remember, I am the bookkeeper.

[Scott turns to leave. Mark runs after him.]

Mark: Cath!

Bruce: Elizabeth. I think what Cathy meant was, whatever beverage people prefer, it's really a nice idea to let them sip it. I know the United Nations...

Dave: [snapping] Kathie! I like you. You're fast on the keyboard, but you can be replaced.

Bruce: Well, if Cathy's fired, then I'm quitting too... shortly there after. [he walks up and joins Scott]

Kevin: Me too... as soon as I pay off my student loans. [Kevin joins Scott, Mark & Bruce]

Mark: Hey, I'm a temp. I can quit at lunch.

Dave: Fine.

Other 4: Fine!

Dave: Fine.

Other 4: Fine!

Dave: Fine, then you're all fired. I'm firing everyone. I want you all out of here. I'm firing my entire staff! [realizing what he's saying] Oh my God. I'm firing my entire staff... what the hell am I doin'?!? Let's face it, I need some decent coffee! [crying] I'm sorry. I don't know what the hell I could have been thinking.

Other 4: [move toward Dave] HUG!!!

Scott: I'm so sorry. You know what I think would do us all a world of good is some espressos.

Other 4: Oh yeah.

Dave: You know, you're right Cathy. Tanya, would you mind running out and getting us some espressos?

Mark: Sure. [Mark leaves]

Other 4: Thanks, Tanya.

Scott: Temp.

Kevin: Temp.

Bruce: Temp!


Dave: Temp.

[Scene fades to black.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video