Daddy Drank

Transcribed from: HBO
Transcribed by both: and
Cast: Dave: All right now, son, I want you to get a good night's rest. And remember, I could murder you while you sleep. It's easy, son, all you have to do is be quiet and willing to do it. And son, I am *willing* to do it. And, I've got *quiet shoes*. Good night, son. Sleep well.

Kevin: Daddy drank...

Dave: Oh, son! Son, how many girls called you today? Zero? And how many girls called you yesterday? Lemme guess -- zero? Well, you know what they say, son. Zero plus zero equals FAG! Zero times any other number always equals FAG! Think about it, ya little mathematician.

Kevin: Daddy was a salesman. Daddy drank...

Dave:Son! Son, wake up! Wake up! It's midnight Christmas eve, and I just wanted so say thank you, son. I don't deserve this, son. I don't deserve anything to be honest with you. I just don't deserve this. [opens present] What the hell is this? Tap shoes? I don't dance. I can't dance, ya little bastard!

Kevin: Daddy couldn't dance; oh, Daddy could *drink.*

Dave:Hey son, you know how you've been bugging me to go and get you a puppy? Well today after work, I went out and I bought you one. But on the way home, I got hungry and I ate him! I'm joking. I'd never buy you a puppy.

Kevin: Why didn't Daddy give up drinking? He couldn't. Daddy drank for the government!

[Son wakes and turns on his lamp, to find Daddy poised with his hands inches away from throttling him to death]

Dave: Oh, did I wake you, son? Geez, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up there. I'm just looking for my mocassins. I don't know where...they seem to have disappeared oddly. Well, you just get a good night's sleep. I'm going to go out and buy a lot of carpeting. You know what, I sell the crap, don't I?

Kevin: Oh sure, I drink a little, but I'm not my Daddy. He was older and had children like me. Oh, I drink before I go to bed when I sleep; it's not a drinking thing, it's a sleeping thing. a drinking thing, it's a sleeping thing.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video