Cincinnati Kid vs. Toronto Kid

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: Setting: Scott: And, a look--look at--listen to this. You get married to a woman, you *have* to live with her.

Dave: I just think that's outdated. I just don't. . .

Scott: Well, that's the law!

Dave: I just don't buy it.

Scott: Well, Pinky . . . ?

Dave: If you marry a woman, do you think you have to live with her?

Kevin: Yes.

Scott: Ah-ha!

Dave: What. . .did you guys would this out earlier?

Scott: I told you.

Dave: You work this out?

[Bruce has entered. He is wearing a red baseball jacket with "Cincinnati" on the back. Clears throat; spits on floor.]

Kevin: Can I help you?

Bruce: Yeah . . . You don't know who I am?

Rest: No. . .

Bruce: I'm the Cincinnati Kid!

Scott: Oh yeah.

Dave: Yeah.

[Kevin laughs.]

Bruce: That doesnt' mean anything to you?

Rest: No. . .

Scott: Well, maybe it would if we were in Cincinnati.

[Rest, except Bruce, laugh.]

Bruce: Hey!! Nobody laughs at the Kid! Alright. Listen up you clowns. I'm here . . . and I'm lookin' . . . for the Toronto Kid.

[Rest have blank faces.]

Kevin: Sorry?

Dave: What?

Bruce: I'm the Cincinnati Kid!

Rest: Yeah. . .

Bruce: Therefore . . . I'm here lookin' for the Toronto Kid! Alright, where's that Toronto Kid at?

Kevin: There is no Toronto Kid.

Bruce: What?

Kevin: There's no such thing as the Toronto Kid.

Bruce: There has to be. I came all the way from Cincinnati. I'm the Cincinnati Kid!

Scott: Yeah. We know that. We know.

Dave: Uh, tell me something. How'd you get to be the Cincinnati Kid?

[Scott laughs.]

Bruce: Tss! . . . Obviously, my dad was the Cincinnati Kid. Then, I was born and I became the Cincinnati Kid!

Dave: Ah. . .

Scott: Okay, how would you be replaced as a Cincinnati Kid?

Bruce: Well, If I (A) meet the right woman and impregnate her with my Cincinnati seed. Or (B) move out of the greater Cincinnati area.

Scott: Right.

Bruce: Or (C) shut up! And then start talkin' about the whereabouts of the Toronto Kid! Or I'll --

[Shot switches to include Mark, who is seated at a table drinking beer. He is wearing a Blue Jays' hat, a Maple Leaf jersey, a Maple Leaf jacket, and gloves.]

Mark: They'll be no need for that.

Bruce: Who are you?

Mark: [stands] I'm the Toronto Kid.

Scott: Wow.

Dave: Wow, there is one!

Bruce: [clears throat; spits on floor]

Mark: [clears throat; gulps] We like to keep our city clean, eh? Hey, aren't you kind of a long way from your sexist football coachs, your polluted Ohio River, and your third-rate mass transit system, Cincinnati Kid?

[Scott, Dave, Kevin: Yeah! and other reaffirmations of Mark.]

Bruce: Well, Toronto's boring!

Scott, Dave, Kevin: Boo. . .

Dave: Kill 'im! Kill 'im Toronto Kid.

[Bruce and Mark mock-fight. They grab each other's jackets, but not throwing a punch.]

Kevin: [holding phone] Hey! Toronto Kid!

Mark: What?

Kevin: Your wife just had a baby!

Mark: What?

Kevin: It's a boy!

Bruce: How big?

Kevin: Eight pounds, three ounces.

Bruce: Yeah, I think I can take him. [leaves]

Mark: Wow, my wife just had a baby?

Scott, Dave: Yeah!

Dave: Congratulations ex-Toronto Kid!

Mark: I didn't even know she was pregnant!

Scott: Tss. . .C'mon. How's that possible?

Mark: Well, we don't together.

Dave: Mm-hmm!!!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video