Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.comSetting:
- Bruce: Cincinnati Kid
- Mark: Toronto Kid
- Kevin: Pinky the Bartender
- Scott and Dave: Two guys at the bar with Kevin.
Scott: And, a look--look at--listen to this. You get married to a woman, you *have* to live with her.
- In a bright bar. Scott, Dave, and Kevin are together. Mark is seated at a table, but not shown. Bruce enters later. Various other customers at tables.
Dave: I just think that's outdated. I just don't. . .
Scott: Well, that's the law!
Dave: I just don't buy it.
Scott: Well, Pinky . . . ?
Dave: If you marry a woman, do you think you have to live with her?
Kevin: Yes.
Scott: Ah-ha!
Dave: What. . .did you guys would this out earlier?
Scott: I told you.
Dave: You work this out?
[Bruce has entered. He is wearing a red baseball jacket with "Cincinnati" on the back. Clears throat; spits on floor.]
Kevin: Can I help you?
Bruce: Yeah . . . You don't know who I am?
Rest: No. . .
Bruce: I'm the Cincinnati Kid!
Scott: Oh yeah.
Dave: Yeah.
[Kevin laughs.]
Bruce: That doesnt' mean anything to you?
Rest: No. . .
Scott: Well, maybe it would if we were in Cincinnati.
[Rest, except Bruce, laugh.]
Bruce: Hey!! Nobody laughs at the Kid! Alright. Listen up you clowns. I'm here . . . and I'm lookin' . . . for the Toronto Kid.
[Rest have blank faces.]
Kevin: Sorry?
Dave: What?
Bruce: I'm the Cincinnati Kid!
Rest: Yeah. . .
Bruce: Therefore . . . I'm here lookin' for the Toronto Kid! Alright, where's that Toronto Kid at?
Kevin: There is no Toronto Kid.
Bruce: What?
Kevin: There's no such thing as the Toronto Kid.
Bruce: There has to be. I came all the way from Cincinnati. I'm the Cincinnati Kid!
Scott: Yeah. We know that. We know.
Dave: Uh, tell me something. How'd you get to be the Cincinnati Kid?
[Scott laughs.]
Bruce: Tss! . . . Obviously, my dad was the Cincinnati Kid. Then, I was born and I became the Cincinnati Kid!
Dave: Ah. . .
Scott: Okay, how would you be replaced as a Cincinnati Kid?
Bruce: Well, If I (A) meet the right woman and impregnate her with my Cincinnati seed. Or (B) move out of the greater Cincinnati area.
Scott: Right.
Bruce: Or (C) shut up! And then start talkin' about the whereabouts of the Toronto Kid! Or I'll --
[Shot switches to include Mark, who is seated at a table drinking beer. He is wearing a Blue Jays' hat, a Maple Leaf jersey, a Maple Leaf jacket, and gloves.]
Mark: They'll be no need for that.
Bruce: Who are you?
Mark: [stands] I'm the Toronto Kid.
Scott: Wow.
Dave: Wow, there is one!
Bruce: [clears throat; spits on floor]
Mark: [clears throat; gulps] We like to keep our city clean, eh? Hey, aren't you kind of a long way from your sexist football coachs, your polluted Ohio River, and your third-rate mass transit system, Cincinnati Kid?
[Scott, Dave, Kevin: Yeah! and other reaffirmations of Mark.]
Bruce: Well, Toronto's boring!
Scott, Dave, Kevin: Boo. . .
Dave: Kill 'im! Kill 'im Toronto Kid.
[Bruce and Mark mock-fight. They grab each other's jackets, but not throwing a punch.]
Kevin: [holding phone] Hey! Toronto Kid!
Mark: What?
Kevin: Your wife just had a baby!
Mark: What?
Kevin: It's a boy!
Bruce: How big?
Kevin: Eight pounds, three ounces.
Bruce: Yeah, I think I can take him. [leaves]
Mark: Wow, my wife just had a baby?
Scott, Dave: Yeah!
Dave: Congratulations ex-Toronto Kid!
Mark: I didn't even know she was pregnant!
Scott: Tss. . .C'mon. How's that possible?
Mark: Well, we don't together.
Dave: Mm-hmm!!!