Firing Chris

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto

Part One

Cast: [Scott is on the phone and Bruce is waiting to come in the door]

Scott: Well I wanna...I don't know, I just think it would be good...take care of the kids. [Sees Bruce] Hold on.

Bruce: Hey, you wanted to see me, sir?

Scott: Chris, Chris buddy! I'm on the phone, ok? Have a seat. Ok. [To the phone] Yeah, you still there? Yeah well just about to fire Chris.

[Bruce gets a horrified look on his face]

Scott: About twenty minutes unless he cries. [Winks at Bruce] No, I don't think he'd wanna come oever for *dinner*! Well would you? Ok, ok, ok, ok, I'll ask him. [To Bruce] Uh, Chris, you don't wanna come over for dinner, do you? [Shakes head]

Bruce: [Hesitantly] I guess not, sir.

Scott: [To the phone] Nope....Yeah those potatoes's be nice. Ok, great! [Puts the phone down, but doesn't hang up and addresses Bruce] You know you're doing great work here.

Bruce: [Relieved] Oh really? I wasn't sure.

Scott: Lots of pencils, lots of pens. Hey! I got a new pair of shoes; you wanna see 'em?

Bruce: I guess so.

[Scott puts his feet on the desk. The soles of his shoes read "YOU'RE FIRED". Bruce looks like he's gonna puke]

[Scott walks behind his desk to the window]

Scott: You know it's a big city out there. Lots of oportunity. Man oh man.

[Scott closes the blinds on one of the windows, revealing "YOU'RE FIRED" written on it]

Scott: People coming, people going, me with my new shoes. What's it all about.

[Scott turns around and leans forward on the desk. He closes his eyes, and written on his eyelids is, you guessed it: "YOU"RE FIRED"]

Bruce: I understand, sir. I'll clean out my desk by Friday.

Scott: What? You're leaving us?

Bruce: Not unless you w--

Scott: Hold it right there. [picks up the phone] Honey, I gotta get back to ya. Chris just droped a bombshell on me. OK?

Bruce: Well I can stay if you want, sir.

Scott: [Holds hand up] No Chris! I'm not gonna talk you out of this. [Holds phone out] Will you say goodbye to my wife? She always liked you. [He hands Bruce the phone, then turns around] Ooh I'm bad!

Bruce: [To phone] Hello. Yes he fired me. He did it pretty well I guess.


Part Two

Cast: [Dave is seen sliding a plate that says "Chris Bellamy" onto a door]

Dave: Well Bellamy, this is your new office.

Bruce: Wow!

[They both enter.]

Dave: Step in! Come on, what do you think? I mean you got your own chair. Got your own desk, uh, your own telephone. Incoming or outgoing calls. It's up to you.

Bruce: Tape.

Dave: Tape! Sticky one side not on the other. And you have a window for gazing out of.

Bruce: Wow, it's everything I hoped it would be. [Starts to unpack his briefcase]

Dave: That's great. And if you should need it, down that hall you'll find coffee and every Monday the company spings for donuts. Sort of a launching pad for a good work week.

[They shake hands]

Dave: Well, welcome aboard. I just want you to know it's a real team here and....it's not working out.

Bruce: What?

Dave: You see, Bellamy, you're just not doing well enough.

Bruce: But I've only been here five minutes.

Dave: Aw, my hands are tied though Bellamy. I'm sorry. Oh! I almost forgot. [reaches into his jacket pocket and hands Bruce a card] Here's your security pass which you'll have to return to me immediately. [Bruce gives it back] Thanks Bellamy. Welcome aboard; you'll really be missed.

[Dave leaves and on his way out removes the name plate from the door. Bruce starts to pack his briefcase up.]

[Mark and Kevin run in]

Mark: Bastards, man! I can't beleieve they let you go.

Kevin: We just heard! [Gives Bruce a hug]

Mark: Hi, I'm Terry, PR department. How are ya?

Kevin: I'm Sandy, accounting.

Bruce: Hi, I'm Chris Bellamy.

Mark: Man! [Knocks papers off desk] They just don't get it here, they just don't get it, you know?

Kevin: Take some time off, Chris.

Bruce: Thanx, nice meeting you. [walks out]

Mark: [calls after him] Don't lose hope! [to Kevin] I knew he'd get it.

Kevin: Better him than us. [Goes to pick up the papers on the floor]

Mark: Yeah...[Shuts the door and stares intently at Kevin]

[Kevin straightens up, sees Mark staring at him/her and jumps. Then he/she fixes his/her hair.]


Part Three

Cast: [Kevin and Mark are looking through blinds]

Kevin: I don't know....it's hard to tell.

Mark: [Agreeing] Yeah...

Kevin: Uhh...number two? [becoming more confident] Yeah, yeah, definitely number two. Oh yeah, it's definitely number two.

[Mark presses a button to make his voice audible in the next room.]

Mark: Number two? You're fired!

[Cut to shot of a police line-up. Bruce, who is number two, gets angry and walks out.]

Mark: Sorry, our hands are tied.


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video